Jamie Carragher

Callum Woods fears Carragher's refusal to return to England duty is just the beginning... Photograph: Public domain

"It's the tale of one man's incredible bid to decipher an impenetrable dialect," explains Gary Burns. Photograph: Public domain

"Forced to the brink of Group E elimination, Steve McClaren must persuade three old defensive cowboys to do one final job," blares Nick Armstrong. Photograph: Public domain

Roy Ward has stumbled across an emotional scene. "Amidst all the tears and wailing about sacrifice, can McClaren persuade St Jamie the Martyr to come down?" No. Photograph: Public domain

"Robbie Fowler may be God to Liverpool fans," honks Howard Jones. "But JC can walk on water." Photograph: Public domain

"23 Carra-t gold," chortles David Sweeney. Photograph: Public domain

Oliver Daly did send us a caption about Scousers stealing cars but frankly there was no way our lawyers would have gone for it. Photograph: Public domain

"Jamie really ought to give up his amateur fortune telling," guffaws Laurence. Photograph: Public domain

"It's the secret behind Jamie's unique 'arse on the grass' defending technique," reveals John Barry after exposing our hero's secret breakdancing past. Photograph: Public domain

David Ellis feels Carra's plight to be a lot like that of the Invisible Man, only with marginally less murderous insanity. And more whingeing. Photograph: Public domain

"Steve just couldn't accept Jamie's 'alternative' lifestyle choices," sighs Chris Aldridge. Photograph: Public domain