Title sequence: It's raining. Bond walks slowly along a desolate coastal path. The camera pans to show Blofeld walking slowly in the same direction 100 metres ahead of Bond. They don't meet. A gunshot doesn't ring out.
Cut to … M's Office
M: How was Suffolk, Bond? Invigorating, I hope.
Bond: Not really, M. I couldn't shake off ...
M: Your tail?
Bond: No. This overwhelming sense of existential ennui.
M: Tell me about it. Can you imagine what it's like to be just known as a letter of the alphabet? I'm a person, 007.
Long pause. They turn towards the window as a pigeon flies past.
Bond: What's happened to us, M? Where's the carefree James that used to run around blowing up villains and having casual sex? I look in the mirror and see a man in his mid-30s, but inside I feel about 80. I can't carry on like this.
M: Pull yourself together, Bond. Spectre has threatened to unleash a virus that paralyses the global banking system. Only you can save us.
Cut to … A remote hideaway in northern Sweden. It's snowing heavily. Blofeld is sitting in the corner of an empty room, stroking a cat.
Blofeld: Why?
An avalanche sweeps through the forest to leave only a crucifix standing.
Blofeld: (louder) Why?
Cat: Why what?
Blofeld: Why do I always come up with these ludicrous plans that I know Bond will thwart? What is it about me that I can't accept?
Cut to … A semi-detached house in Blackburn. The curtains are drawn but the traffic noise is still audible.
Pussy: Well hello, James!
Bond: I can't go on calling you Pussy. Objectifying you demeans us both. Can't we just sit and talk instead of exchanging sexual innuendo. You see, I've realised Kitty, that is your real name isn't it?, that shooting guns and sleeping with women is just my way of trying to compensate for having a tiny cock.
Cut to … A deserted cabin on the Kamchatka peninsula. A single light flickers.
Blofeld: (sobbing as he presses the button) Why?
Cut to … M's Office.
M: Brilliant, 007. Doing nothing ensured the EU could paralyse the banking system before Spectre could get to it. Blofeld's lost again.
Bond: We're all lost.
Cut to … It's raining. Bond walks slowly along a desolate coastal path. The camera pans to show Blofeld walking slowly in the same direction 100 metres ahead of Bond. They don't meet. A gunshot doesn't ring out.
