LENS RECAP
There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England. The south-western quadrant of Stade Bollaert-Delelis in Lens, to be precise – scene of a mass pile-on so intoxicating that it drew in Joe Hart, Gary Neville, Fat Les and World Cup W1lly, at the end of a breathless great British scramble, a stodgy, stubborn outlier in the Euro 2016 almanac. Almost a metaphor, for … never mind.
England and Wales took a long look at the fluid formations and technical pressing on show across the tournament and said thanks but no thanks, opting instead for 93 minutes of high-octane hoofball high on tempo, low on tactics, played out in a compact, four-sided arena so close to the Channel you could smell jam and jingoism on the breeze. Gareth Bale’s patriotic banter campaign had clearly got under Hart’s scalp, the England keeper palming his free-kick into the corner to put Wales ahead at the break. Bale thought his plan was working perfectly but he reckoned without two men – Mr Roy, who took the Cosmo Kramer approach to gambling, and England’s valiant banger, Jamie Vardy.
Mr Roy settled on on a bold 2-1-7 system that produced England’s finest display of incoherent aggression since … never mind. As Vardy equalised and Wales tired to the point of hibernation, England’s army of strikers were left playing Wembley – or knockout if you prefer – with Daniel Sturridge finally barrelling the ball in off Wayne Hennessey’s shins, before wheeling straight through the exit gate and home for his tea. In the commentary box, objectivity’s Robbie Savage and slow-witted lion Martin Keown exchanged strangled yelps. On Twitter, Bale got the #treatment from Harry Kane – doing his talking very much off the pitch – as a nation rejoiced that social media afters is now A Thing, and began an online petition for the introduction of a wriggly arms emoji. Mr Roy, meanwhile, stuck to his preferred method of communication – the incongruous soundbite. “I didn’t want to start breaking eggs with a big stick,” he bellowed, face flushed with triumph.
Elsewhere, Norn Iron, er, 2-0 brilliantly answered critics who had labelled them Euro 2016’s worst team, proving that it was opponents Ukraine who are Euro 2016’s worst team. On the day the Premier League came to Europe, a Gareth McAuley bullet header and a late tap-in on the rebound won a game shamefully halted by a hailstorm. At least poor Will Grigg has finally been extinguished. So, with Germany clearly there for the taking, and Russia seemingly doing Uefa’s job for them in Group B, we’re set to see a first in France: three home nations in the latter stages of a tournament that isn’t the Home Nations Championship. Watch out, Europe; football’s coming home.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It doesn’t help build your play and leads to a lot of technical errors. Honestly, when I saw the photos and videos at the end of the concert, I thought I was in another world, but that’s the power of Highway to Hell” – France coach Didier Deschamps bemoans the decision to let AC/DC play a gig at the Stade Vélodrome before the Euros, leaving the pitch all thunderstruck and that for the tournament. Organisers have now responded to the general state of playing surfaces in France, Martin Kallen sniffing: “The pitches should be better and we’re not happy.”
FIVER LETTERS
“So, after one win over decent but unexceptional opposition, Gareth Bale brags about his team’s passion and belittles his next opponents by saying that none of them would get into his country’s team. His team then score with a set piece against said opponents, before throwing away their lead through defensive errors. I guess three years in Spain have turned him English” – Nick Einhorn.
“Yer man Dilwyn Morgan and his town changing name from Bala to Bale (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). What’s this thing, ‘the international map’ he’s on about? Is there only one? What select group of power brokers and kingmakers has access to The International Map and what precisely does Mr Morgan hope to achieve by rectifying the hitherto shameful omission of Bala/Bale? I’m afraid the press release provided to this newsdesk was somewhat vague as to the next stage of his plan. Might I suggest he withdraw and reconsider his plan, and come back round the next time Basel/Basle/Baaarl/Barzuhl get into Big Cup action? Hopefully against Leicester, in which case he could shoehorn in some spurious reference to exceeding expectations or small towns punching above their weight. Stop football please” – Sean Flynn.
“If the mythical beast that is the Welsh dragon helped Wales qualify, then how come Scotland’s official animal – the mythical unicorn – didn’t help them … apart from the obvious that it’s bobbins at heading the ball and is perhaps a bit childish? Never mind, I’ve answered my own question there. Oh, and congrats to all of Thursday’s winning teams – all of whom had God Save the Queen as their national anthem” – Paul Dixon.
“Has anyone else noticed the uncanny resemblance between stalwart Albanian central defender Mërgim Mavraj and the Cambridge Footlights-era John Cleese? I wonder if by any chance they are related?” – Steve Gaw.
“With all the fuss about the ‘early Fiver’ (Fiver letters passim), it must be said that we in India are happy to continue receiving our tea-time email timely, for a change. Just so you know – it hasn’t exactly been enjoyable brewing tea at 10pm” – Yash Anand.
“I too am loving receiving the earlier version of The Fiver. Living in Sydney, arriving just before bedtime, it helps put me to sleep. My favourite part is the letters, but in yesterday’s edition I noted an above-average input from the Fiver Ed in this section. At the risk of delaying publication back to 5pm, would I be able to request less time editing the letters and more time on the other parts of The Fiver?” – Marin Sardelic.
“As a flamin’ Socceroo resident now 11 hours behind European Summer Time, I’m used to reading the tea-timely email, which arrives overnight, over breakfast. Imagine my surprise for the past two days when it is received before 10pm and I’m faced with the dilemma of ruining a good night’s sleep instead of ruining a good breakfast. If other readers can offer advice on the least bad option on when to read, please help” – James Cahill.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Nick Einhorn.
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BITS AND BOBS
The Scottish fitba fixtures are out and the Pope’s Newc O’Rangers are at home to the Queen’s Celtic on 31 December.
Besiktas are the lucky club having Mario Balotelli foisted upon them by his Mr 15%. “I’m quite sure the transfer will happen as the president already assured me in the past that he would do everything he can to sign him,” trousered Mino Raiola.
New Aston Villa boss Bobby Di Matteo is clearing out space on the naughty step. “I have had very difficult dressing rooms in the past and have always been able to sort them out and make them work together,” he thundered.
Alberto Paloschi’s £8m, 10-game stay at Swansea is done and dusted, with Atalanta his next port of call for an undisclosed fee.
Leicester City, Everton and Taxpayers FC are among the Premier League clubs sniffing around Milan forward M’Baye Niang.
And Italy have turned to their very own publicity-hungry space-racer for inspiration in Friday’s early game with Sweden. “I’m not a football expert but I am a fan of the national team,” cheered Luca Parmitano. “Even we, astronauts, are a small team, we train in a rigorous manner and we wear a blue suit.” Thanks for that, Luca.
RECOMMENDED QUIZZING
Know your Lublin from your Lisburn? Your Pecs from your Quelez? Your Rijeka from your Nitra? Of course not, but why not have a go at our fiendish Euro 2016 geography quiz all the same.
STILL WANT MORE?
David Squires on England v Wales. And it even brings the Supa Hot Fire!
The Joy of Six: great European Championship performances, as recalled by Paul Doyle and Michael Butler.
Here’s your England download: Owen Gibson backslaps Mr Roy and his half-time gamble, Barney Ronay cheers the forgotten awkward-genius of Daniel Sturridge, and Dominic Fifield ponders whether Gareth Bale can offer more when Wales meet Russia in his talking points from Lens.
If Mr Roy showed his stones by hauling off Harry Kane at half-time, large t1tfers must be tipped in the direction of Michael O’Neill who ditched Kyle Lafferty, his prolific goalscorer in qualifying, along with four other starters from the defeat by Poland to mastermind victory against Ukraine. Andy Brassell was on hand in Lyon.
For balance, here’s a healthy dose of manager bashing: Jonathan Wilson whacks Marc Wilmots with a big Belgian waffle for a spot of “the grossest negligence”.
Might Robert Lewandowski be linking up with Jürgen Klopp at Liverpool next season? That and other tall tales make up the latest edition of the Rumour Mill.
Remember Zlatan’s leaping scissor-backflick-volley in 2004? Well, Gianluigi Buffon certainly does. Sid Lowe looks ahead to the rendezvous of Ibra and Italy.
Peru are flying in the Copa América, a good reason for Luis Miguel Echegaray to joyride down memory lane to 1975 and their finest hour.
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