CSI: CESC SPITTING INVESTIGATION
The pitch-side area at Arsenal Emirates Stadium was a hive of industriousness this morning, unlike last night whenever Hull City goalkeeper Boaz Myhill had to take a goal-kick. No sooner had the FA announced that they would investigate accusations that Cesc Fabregas spat at Hull assistant manager Brian Horton, than a crack team of impossibly glamourous, wise-cracking CSIs in designer shades, baseball caps and ridiculously tight T-shirts taped off the scene of the alleged crime and got to work with cameras, those extra long cotton buds, Splatter Patterns For Dummies and that fluorescent spillage detector gizmo that lights up the Fiver's bedroom like a Jackson Pollock painting on a canvas of blue neon.
"I categorically deny that I spat at anybody after the match. I have never done this in my whole career on the pitch, so why would I do it when I am not even playing," spat Arsenal skipper Cesc Fabregas, while being interrogated by a cynical former stripper in a moodily lit interrogation room, while a hard-bitten police chief with a heart of gold and an alcoholic forensic entomologist watched proceedings through a two-way mirror next door.
Meanwhile back at the "crime" scene, the Arsenal midfielder's manager claimed to have seen even less than the disillusioned young lab technician left staring into a microscope despite his ambitions to work out in the field. "I didn't see anything," declared Arsene Wenger, tapping his white cane on the floor to emphasise his point. The Fiver didn't see anything either, but then an anonymous tip-off directed our attention to this.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I don't deserve something like this, such treatment. I think my CV is worthy of respect" - it seems Theofanis Gekas's former employers - Toxotis Larissa x 2, Kallithea, Panathinaikos, VfL Bochum (loan), Bayer Leverkusen and the Greek national team - have yet to provide Portsmouth with a he's-better-than-David-Nugent reference.
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WORST LYRICS (NOW WITH ITS OWN TEMPORARY SECTION, WHICH MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO WRITE A SECOND STORY)
"I have to raise the issue of Junior Senior's Move Your Feet. They say throughout the song that they 'can't stop the beat', then insist they 'won't stop the beat', an assertion that I feel is redundant, given that they claim to be unable to stop it in the previous line. But then, around three minutes after the beat starts, what happens? It stops. How do you explain that, Junior Senior? You lied to us" - Philip Smith.
"Led Zeppelin have this classic: 'Made up my mind, gonna make a new start. I'm going to California with an aching in my heart.' Who the hell gets on an airplane in the middle of a heart attack?" - Mike Wilner.
"The Tamperer feat. Maya: 'What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her'. A house?" - Ray Hanc0ck.
"Re: 'Professor' John Zarnecki's statement about Elton John's lyric that Mars is as cold as hell being 'factually correct'. Could the Professor be so kind as to refer me (and 1,056 other pedants) to the peer-reviewed scientific journal which detailed the average temperature of hell?" - Matt Allen (and 1,056 others).
"Perhaps you could convince £0.90 Big Paper to run a series called 1,000 Songs Everyone Must Hear That Have Rubbish Lyrics. If successful, please include the Bonnie Tyler song Tyre Tracks by rock legend Jim Steinman and Leyton Orient fan Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber. It includes pearls about push-up bras, satin sheets, real rich foods and succulent sweets. But my favourite lines are 'Tyre tracks and broken hearts, that's all we're leaving behind' and 'I want it bad and I want it now, we were born going faster than the limits allow'" - Giles Bolton.
"I propose the ubiquitous 'put your hands in the air, like you just don't care'. Irrefutable evidence that all hip-hop is rubbish" - Alan Baxter.
Send your worst lyrics to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also Tweet the Fiver.
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THE RUMOUR MILL
The Special One reckons £100m will be enough to buy him Didier Drogba, Obi Wan Mikel, Ricardo Carvalho, Abou Diaby, Jermaine Jenas and Nemanja Vidic, and still leave change for his BFH.
David Beckham will rejoin Real MadOHSWEETLORDPLEASEJUSTTHISONCEMAKEITSTOPrid
And the Corinthians Retirement Home hope the lure of playing alongside Ronaldo will tempt Zinedine Zidane to remove his boots from the peg on which they currently hang.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
Kuddly Ken Bates admits Nasty Leeds could take legal action in the Tevez affair because, hey, everyone else is doing it and anyway, Sheffield United's relegation cost them £500,000 in sell-on fees. Poor Nasty Leeds.
Macclesfield boss Keith Alexander has returned to work after undergoing a brain scan in hospital on Saturday. "You get on with it and don't make excuses," he said, taking a refreshingly northern view of his misfortune.
Karel Bruckner, former coach of the Czech and Austrian national teams, has announced his retirement from the game. "This week I'll officially join the ranks of the retired and I will benefit from reductions on the railways and the tramways," he boasted with the breezy confidence of the recently-retired who hasn't realised those discounts only apply between midnight and 6am.
The Professional Footballers' Association has revealed that former deputy chief executive Mick McGuire was dismissed following allegations of bullying. "On Wednesday 11 March after serious allegations of bullying, which I found to be substantiated, I regrettably had no alternative but to summarily dismiss Mick McGuire for gross professional misconduct," said PFA mouthpiece Gordon Taylor.
And knack-prone striker Craig Bellamy has been ruled out of Manchester City's Euro Vase last-564 second leg match against AaB Aalborg tomorrow night.
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STILL WANT MORE?
This blog about spitting was 1,674 words long before the lawyers got their hands on it. Now it's considerably shorter. Bah!
Able to see out your car windscreen when it's raining? The Knowledge explains why you have Newcastle United to thank for that.
Polish football chiefs have been dialling up Ray Parker Jr and two men with 'taches and tight shorts, and been given Howard Webb's number, according to Jonathan Wilson.
And in tomorrow's £0.90 Big Paper: ditties about Life and death step up to the oche in the latest thrilling instalment of 1,000 Songs Everyone Must Here before they die (nb: the "before they die" bit is not in the title, but implied, as everyone is unlikely to hear them after they die).
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FIVER LETTERS
"Re: musician neighbours (Fivers passim). I used to live in Streatham, round the corner from Mark King of Level 42. Furthermore, he sold his house to Michaela Strachan. And on the other side of Tooting Common was Ambleside Avenue, where Cynthia Payne lived. Do I win a prize?" - Martyn Wilson.
"Blake Schwarzenbach of Jawbreaker and Jets to Brazil fame lives on my street in Brooklyn. I often see him when I go running in Prospect Park, though I've never spoken to him as I stopped listening to his music nearly a decade ago" - Damien Neva.
"Miki Berenyi has slept in my bed. I'm not sure I should offer any further information than that" - Michael Hann.
Has your bed ever played host to a scarlet-haired temptress who fronted a once moderately famous Britpop act? Let us know at the.boss@guardian.co.uk.
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WHO CARE'S IF THEY'RE REINFORCING A STEREOTYPE, IT'S THE LACK OF FUNNY GAGS THAT'S SHAMEFUL
