THAT KIND OF LUX JUST AIN’T FOR US
The Fiver isn’t one for courage. We’re usually too deep in our pit of despair to get involved in any of that caper, generally too afeared to emerge from our Tin-strewn bedsit for more than 10 minutes, lest we find ourselves in a place with no Tin. The outside world is a frightening place, you know: if you go out for too long, you might have to face terrors like muggers, stabbers, shooters and everyday human interaction.
So hats off to Reading, who have had the stones to announce that Jaap Stam has been given a culturally sensitive Dutch Do One-cycle and invited to pedal all the way back to Amsterdam. Results were poor, attendances thin, the cold hand of relegation on their shoulder – a change was needed. The trouble was, finding a volunteer to pluck up the courage and shuffle down to Jaap’s office, P45 in hand, to tell him they were putting him in the big ‘You’re Not Our Manager Anymore’ bin, was understandably tricky. Word is one errand boy made it as far as the doorway before his soul was melted by Jaap’s terror stare, while another two simply burst with fear halfway down the corridor.
Finally they found a brave heart to deliver the news. “Majority shareholders, Mr Yongge Dai and Ms Xiu Li Dai, had wanted to give Jaap every opportunity to turn around what has been a difficult and challenging Championship campaign,” stammered a club suit, checking over their shoulder after every second word. “Jaap has not wavered in the time, effort and sheer determination he has put in to try to steer the team away from the position we find ourselves in. However, after careful consideration, the decision has been made that a change is now necessary.” As for Jaap: “We talked to each other in a good way and came to the conclusion that it would be better if the roads would separate,” he boomed, causing the suit to nod frantically and flinch a couple of times, mumbling something that sounded a lot like: “Please don’t hit my face.”
Reading, after managing one of the most curious promotion campaigns of all time last season when they came within a penalty of the Premier League despite not, at any point, at any stage, in any way, being any good, have come crashing back to the mean this term. Three points off the relegation zone and with one win since the start of December, Stam had looked more and more like a haunted version of the robot from the cover of Queen’s News of the World album every week. Discussion now turns to who will replace him, and the cupboard looks bare. Steve Cotterill, inexplicably appointed by Birmingham then very explicably sacked, has been mentioned, as has Paul Clement, last seen dunking Swansea into the relegation quicksand before someone better dragged them out. But The Fiver reckons it knows the new man: it’s going to be Laurent Blanc, appointed in haste before the majority shareholders later admit that, without question, they made a mistake there.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He was one of a kind in dealing with it. He had to go through everything but he just took it like it was a walk in the park. He was my hero. For 28 years, I am very privileged and lucky to have had him in my life” – do read: Doncaster Rovers’ Matty Blair talks to Ben Fisher about the death of his brother.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Can you please find out some obscure, yet encouraging fact about Sunderland to cheer me up? Please?” – Paul Mabley.
“I would point out to Rafa Benítez (yesterday’s C64 User of the Day) that MS-DOS is an operating system and Basic is a programming language but, being a Fulham fan, maybe it is better as 10 PRINT ‘Thank you for Mitrovic’ 20 GOTO 10” – Hugh Fordham.
“I’m still wasting hours on the C64, not on Jetset W1lly though, instead playing The Double. A game so of the time, the ball was square and they had an ‘innovative’ banana kick, probably due to coding issues of making a pixel move in a straight line” – Lee Richardson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Hugh Fordham.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Burnley keeper and new England call-up Nick Pope has been reflecting on his teenage years. Unlike The Fiver’s they don’t seem to include Chaka Demus & Pliers and two litres of White Lightning. “I worked on a milk round, on an electric float, a 4am-er in a village round the corner from Soham; and in Next,” he reminisced. “But it allowed me to play 150 non-league games in three years. It also got me into the men’s game, which helped me grow as a player.”
Ryan Giggs reckons he’ll be more nervous than at any time during his playing career when he takes charge of Wales for the first time, against China on Thursday. “As a player you are quite selfish and you are just making sure you are doing your job in the team,” he tooted.
Manchester United are consulting with fans over how to improve the atmosphere at Old Trafford. Song sheets? Reducing ticket prices? Releasing the bus handbrake?
Former Liverpool, Real Madrid and Spain midfielder Xabi Alonso faces a possible five-year jail sentence over alleged tax-knack.
And Fifa says the stadium in Samara needs more than a lick of paint or three if it’s to be ready in time for the Ethics World Cup. “Obviously we would expect further progress than this,” sniffed its chief competitions suit. Yes, it has one of those.
STILL WANT MORE?
Morientes, Fuchs and the nearest as the 19th century came to a liveblog. It’s the Joy of Six: loan deals.
Brentford’s Chris Mepham talks to Stuart James about going from the Sunday league to a Wales debut in four years.
How Iran became Asia’s best World Cup hopes.
Which football manager has had most spells in charge of the same club? The Knowledge has the answer.
The Ethics World Cup needs to save international football from crisis, gulps Barney Ronay.
Take a trip inside Real Madrid’s academy.
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