According to the Chelsea midfielder Sam Dalla Bona, his manager Claudio Ranieri's command of English does not, as we are led to believe, fall somewhere between that of Inspector Clouseau and Stanley Unwin.
"His English is quite good," says Dalla Bona, who could not speak a word himself when he arrived from Atalanta two years ago. "I think he could speak it more but he is perhaps a little shy to use it in a press conference."
It seems a common problem at Chelsea, where not a single senior player was willing to address the detested fourth estate before today's game against Arsenal at Highbury. Not even Dennis Wise, unless, of course, it was a paid-for interview with the newspaper to which his thoughts are contracted.
Chelsea players are a sensitive lot, convinced they are the objects of hatred and envy to all outside Stamford Bridge. Yet many of their recent wounds have been self-inflicted, not least Wise's transfer demand, followed days later by a kiss-and-make-up with everyone from the tea ladies to, perish the thought, chairman Ken Bates.
Wise omitted to mention his manager among those who persuaded him to stay. So Ranieri, though at the risk of gilding the lily, not only expressed his euphoria that Wise was staying but called upon him to help "construct a new Chelsea".
Wise will speak only via his Boswell, though Dalla Bona, 19, was happy to discuss the changes since Ranieri replaced Gianluca Vialli a few games into the season. He says: "We were all disappointed when Vialli went and it takes time to understand what a new manager wants.
"So in the beginning, we were a little confused and we were still adjusting to losing Vialli. But the mood is good now and every day we feel a little bit better. Naturally I am happy because I have become a regular first-team player and there is no problem communicating. I certainly do not have to interpret for the manager."
When necessary that job goes to the Uruguayan Gustavo Poyet, though at half-time, when there is little time for translations, Ranieri uses flip charts with noughts and crosses and arrows to get his message across. Stuff that a genetically modified monkey could understand.
The assistant manager Gwyn Williams says: "There is no lack of communication and there never has been. Some of the training is conducted in English but if the manager is speaking to Gianfranco Zola, it makes sense to do so in Italian. There is also a difference between instructing and joking with the lads and talking into a TV camera, though I am confident he will conduct a press conference in English soon."
Wise's sudden transfer demand was unsettling for the side. But it turned out to be a dissatisfied cri de coeur at being played out of position and left out altogether against Aston Villa on New Year's Day.
The ploy worked; chairman Bates and the chief executive Colin Hutchinson rushed to dry his eyes and assured him that he would remain a pivotal figure at the club. Bates and Hutchinson have since disappeared on holiday, apparently not together, leaving Williams holding the cry baby.
Williams says: "I don't know quite what happened with Dennis. A situation evolved and has now been sorted and though he might have wobbled for a while, he is totally committed to the cause."
Dalla Bona and his team-mates were also kept in the dark by Wise."He didn't say anything to us before or afterwards but we are all glad he is staying because he is a hero to everybody," he said. "If you mention Chelsea in Italy, people will know Ranieri and they will also see a picture of Dennis, because he is the symbol of the club."
Wise has always led by example on the pitch and though Ranieri seemed ready to push him towards the wings, both metaphorical and literal, he has brought in more young players in a hope of replicating that English bulldog spirit.
Remarkably, though, Chelsea will again seek a first away win of the season at Highbury today, where they have an appalling record. Given the swaggering performances at home, their away form is baffling; it cannot just be the absence of the inspirational messages inside and outside the dressing room door at Stamford Bridge that read "Strive To Win and Shun Defeat" and "Never Ever Give Up", the sort of homilies you see framed behind the desk of US middle-management executives.
Dalla Bona says: "It has become a psychological problem for us. We have played well in many away games but when the other team score we seem to lose confidence. Maybe we need to play with more personality away from home."
Williams is also at a loss to explain the side's failures away from the Bridge, though he offers an unusual solution. "I remember Gordon Strachan at Coventry going 18 months without an away win and then he sacked the bus driver and they won three on the trot away. Maybe that's the answer."
