My cracked iPhone screen jaggedly lit up. A Telegram notification. Then another. And then one more. “Come out of Warren Street tube and walk towards Euston Square. There’s a church on the corner. Walk down that road. The hotel is on the right.
“Come straight up. Room 22.
“And hurry up. Don’t keep me waiting.”
I followed my instructions and, 10 minutes from receiving the messages, gently tapped on door 22.
“M”, the 35-year-old man I’d met on Twitter and then several times IRL (Google it, Grandma) opened the door. Topless. His was a chest you’d propose to – but instead I just gasped. And then took his hand as he pulled me into the suite and pushed me against the wall.
Let’s put the rest of that night/early morning and, yep, mid-morning in the “a lady never tells” drawer. But let’s also just say room service never tasted so good.
Welcome to sex in your 50s. Less “Oh, God. Again?”; more “Oh, God! Again! Again!”.
This is not what 53-year-old single me thought sex in my 50s would be like. I once had a man ask: “But what is sex like at your age?” – I was 40. I feared even the word “fifty” would be a huge turn-off for men and my libido would go the way of my boobs.
But no. I am still “visible” and, yes, buoyant.
The visibility is interesting. Men my age seem to notice me again, and younger men appear to see me as a Mrs Robinson fantasy. (Or chubby, freckly women do it for them.) No matter. Either way, I get to rub my face on those chests.
If it’s good news that sexual partners haven’t dried up, it’s great news that you care. I hated the thought of not wanting pleasure-affirming, joy-affirming, body-affirming, life-affirming, affirming-affirming sex. Screw that. Whoever wrote the adage “use it or lose it” knew.
And if wanting sex – and people wanting to have sex with you – is fabulous news, prepare yourself for the actual sex. Jeez, Louise.
Sex in your 50s is about freedom. You’re free from the debilitating self-consciousness about your body that meant sex when you were younger was an embarrassing 15 minutes holding your stomach in and regretting not doing the whole damn thing by candlelight. Now? If I turn over during sex and my tummy hits the mattress a full three seconds before the rest of me does, I do not care. Because experience has taught me my beau doesn’t care either – and, believe me, his focus is not there.
You’re free from self-doubt and performance anxiety. Younger me would treat my man to my entire “sex repertoire” to make him orgasm/like me/come back. Now I have the confidence to do what I want to do and to ask for what I want. From a gentle hand-place, to encouraging words, sex now is about me too.
You’re free from raging hormones, which means you’re likely to make more measured decisions. If you want to. Younger hormone-and-Jack-Daniel’s-fuelled me got herself into all sorts of sticky situations. I’ll spare you the “car park at a wedding” story, the “crowded bed” and “comedy club” ones, too, and instead recall the morning I woke up in a flat in Covent Garden next to a man I hated every single thing about. That trouble is over in your 50s. If you want it to be.
You’re (most likely) free from the possibility of getting pregnant – and those who did have children no longer have the kids in bed with them. Although, with the cost of renting …
You’re free from the noise. The “you should be” or “he should be” or “this should be” internal and external din that can drown out quiet intimacy. In your 50s you care less about opinions and more about experiencing moments. And this can make sex feel deeper and more precious.
You’re free from self-imposed restraints (unless that’s your thing) of what sex was before. Sex in your 50s can be anything you want it to be. If you’re not going to explore your sexuality – who you like, what you like, when you like it, how you like it – in your 50s, when you’re confident, assured and give few fucks, when will you?
Sex in your 50s is finally the time to get the sex you want.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, these DMs won’t answer themselves.
Covering sex, love and everything in between – watch Sex Education on Netflix. Available on the NOW TV Smart Stick. Learn more at nowtv.com
