The Gary Ablett(s) Award for best player in the league
The way he fared in the first half of the season, Fremantle’s midfield ace Nat Fyfe could have played the rest of the season blind-folded and still almost taken out the Brownlow medal. His lung-busting, leg-buckling efforts took a physical toll in the end, but to streak away from the field so convincingly while missing four games says a lot of his dominance when he was fit. Rough, tough, skilful and dazzlingly athletic for a player of such imposing size, Fyfe’s talent makes any football ground shrink around him. No other player was a more compelling sight in full flow.
The Matthews-Voss ceremonial shirtfront in honour of total football domination
If you support one of the 17 AFL clubs that aren’t Hawthorn and feel like engaging in some sports fan self-harm, go and pay a visit to Hawthorn football club’s lovingly curated museum out at Waverley Park, where guernseys belonging to generations of flag-winning Hawks proudly hang. There you’ll see what happens when a keen sense of history and tradition is wedded to ruthlessness and dedication. But three on the bounce is rare air, even for supporters as drunk on success as Hawthorn’s. What a football club.
The Peter Daicos Boot for goal of the year
With no disrespect to Eddie Betts’s freakish left-foot effort, which won the official league award, the mark and goal of the year awards shouldn’t be decided until after the grand final, where the heightened stakes of the game can lift miraculous feats of skill into the realms of legend. Such was the case in this year’s decider, where Luke Hodge kicked a 40-metre checkside wondergoal to put his side 25 points clear in the second term and almost single-handedly crush West Coast’s remaining hopes. Off one step. Incredible.
The Tony Modra Commemorative Comb for mark of the year
Even granting the points above, it’s hard to disagree with the league’s choice of West Coast ruckman Nic Naitanui for this season’s mark of the year, in which the Eagles star flew over team-mates and Geelong opponents, hauled in the ball and then went nose-diving to the turf. What really makes it for us is Bomber Thompson’s high-pitched squeak of appreciation once he’d seen the replay.
The Allan Jeans Memorial Sausage Tray for coach of the year
As perverse as it was to consider as he bounded up onto the presentation dais to receive his fourth premiership medal in the last eight years, Hawks boss Alastair Clarkson is still yet to take out the league’s annual coach of the year award. Not that it probably matters to the man himself, but the Hawks might have erected a statue in his honour before the league finally gives him one. Recount?
The Angry-Meatloaf Golden Microphone for crimes against musical entertainment
The unfortunate thing for British pop star Ellie Goulding during her now infamous pre-grand final performance wasn’t so much that her backing track cut out mid-song, but that when it kicked back in it was still playing an Ellie Goulding song. Honourable mention: James Blunt, whose Brownlow Medal performance we can’t honestly appraise because we hit live pause when he walked on stage and then sped it up again to be greeted by the far more exciting sound of names being read out for three hours on end.
The diamond-encrusted top hat in honour of Bishop Don ‘Magic’ Juan
Another gong for Nat Fyfe, who turned up to Crown Palladium on football’s night of nights with the most genuinely intriguing company of all; a cane to take the load off his broken lower leg. If it’s not already sitting next to Graham Teasdale’s velvet suit in the National Sports Museum, somebody’s not doing their job properly.
The Microsoft Excel celebratory spreadsheet for the shadiest Brownlow leak
The league itself takes the cake here for the Sam Mitchell “2015 Brownlow Winner” memorabilia offer that did the rounds in the lead-up to the count and caused a late betting plunge on the Hawks veteran. The mock-up image proved a red herring in the end, so the Armaguard bag man ended up having a sound night’s sleep.
The Ben Holland giant novelty cheque for requesting a king’s ransom with a jester’s resume
With no disrespect to Harley Bennell and his Richmond medical examination no-show, the wayward Suns midfielder is, on talent alone, actually worth the kind of money that his management is seeking from rival clubs. Establishing the contractual worth of Melbourne’s thrill-seeking defender Jeremy Howe is proving far more puzzling. Reports this season have ranged anywhere from $300,000 per year to $650,000, which seems a little rich for a guy who often follows his highlight-reel speccies with artless clangers. There’s “testing the market” and then there’s testing the bounds of common sense.
The Brian Lake Bronze Fist for well-timed free agency moves
To be honest, Brian Lake could have won it himself after another stellar grand final effort, but his backline comrade James Frawley takes out the gong this year after blanketing Eagles spearhead Josh Kennedy in the decider. A year ago he was playing with such luminaries as Luke Tapscott, Sam Blease and Dom Barry and doubts lingered that his lack of high-stakes experience would eventually hurt him when he turned in a shocker in the Hawks’ first final. On the weekend made this and many other pundits look like fools.
The Ken Sheldon Poisoned Chalice for making something from nothing
Well, perhaps they both had a bit of talent to work with but co-winners Adam Simpson and Luke Beveridge took their respective lists from zeros to heroes this year, injecting life into the competition and providing us with some of the most exciting football of the year. Here’s hoping that both the Eagles and Bulldogs push again in 2016 because at their best, both sides are a joy to watch.
The Michael Tuck Zimmer Frame for longevity
You can’t really split Dons stalwart Dustin Fletcher, who departed the league scene with 400 games to his name and North’s Boomer Harvey, the footballing Benjamin Button who is now 409 appearances deep and showing no signs that he’ll ever stop. Tuck’s monumental 426-game mark should be ticked off with ease if Harvey backs up with another season like this one. 450 isn’t out of the question either.
The Bill Clinton presentation cigar case for unconvincing public sentiments
This one goes to the entire Essendon playing list, who looked on with the ashen faces of pall bearers as James Hird gave his final press conference as Bombers coach, a full 925 days since the Asada supplements scandal had first reared its head. Sharing in the spoils are the club board, who orchestrated this bizarre display of player “support” and then continued to insist that Hird had not been sacked but departed amicably. That was about as convincing as Essendon’s on-field performances in 2015.
The Sanford Wheeler hair-tie for American project player of the year
Who knows if Saints big man Jason Holmes will really cut it at league level but on the strength of his round 21 debut against Geelong, which started with the young ruckman almost leaping clean over his Cats opponents and ended in a draw, you’d say he’s well on his way. An articulate and grounded individual, Holmes’s athletic prowess offers a further glimpse to a frontier that has the league and some recruiters licking their lips.
The Jason Akermanis Award for poorly-timed tell-all interviews
With his tales of drug abuse and post-career struggles, troubled former West Coast Premiership star Daniel Chick didn’t so much rain on his old club’s parade during grand final week as lob a grenade at the team bus. For a man vaunted by ally Dermott Brereton as the consummate team man, it was a puzzling move, though Chick has since apologised for the less than ideal timing of the story’s release. “I’d give up my premiership medallion for another 100 games with the Hawks because of the way I’ve been treated,” Chick had said. Josh Kennedy’s manager is believed to be deep in negotiations to get the deal done.
The Denis Pagan gold watch for systematic assault on a coaching legacy
It was perhaps a greater challenge than he’d anticipated when he took on the job, but AFL coaching legend Mick Malthouse soon found that his decades of service to the game and its players were no match for the dithering, excruciatingly public machinations of Carlton’s board, who ousted him as senior coach midway through a disastrous 2015 campaign. Next into the tumbrel is Brendon Bolton, who’ll needs all the luck he can turning around such a mess and dealing with the administrative chaos.
The Gavin Exell Shield for retirement that nobody actually noticed
Never particularly beloved of anyone outside a small, hardcore faction of Melbourne supporters, Colin Sylvia ended his brief flirtation with Ross Lyon-style football in April this year, when he and the club parted ways after six ill-starred appearances. This after he was banished to WAFL side Peel Thunder during his first pre-season at the Dockers. “I look forward to focusing on the next phase of my life,” said the former Dee. Lyon’s probably forgotten his name already.
The Snoop Dog commemorative decorative vase for unlikely celebrity fan of the year
Previous title winners here include West Coast diehad Barack Obama, Port Adelaide nut Steven Gerrard and Sydney Swans cheer squad regular Chris Rock, so the standards are impossibly high, but there was a winning awkwardness to the way Danny Frawley recruited US comedian Amy Schumer to the Saints cause, forcing a club jumper on her and posing for a photo in scenes that for all their repetition down the years, never quite lose that effortless glow of cultural cringe.
The Shaw-Riewoldt Perpetual Goblet for best grand final smother
Of all the symbolic moments that rang out in the wake of Hawthorn’s premiership win, none was more wince-inducing for Eagles fans than the sight of Brian Lake desperately smothering through a dribbled shot on goal from indecisive West Coast forward Josh Hill. When you’re being shaded for agility by big Brian, it’s time to admit it’s not your day.
The Joaquin Phoenix Statuette for most bizarre creative offering of the year
It would be a hard-hearted footy fan who held it against broadcasting doyen Sandy Roberts for too long, but his half-hour “Sandy Roberts Presents: The Wordsmith” mockumentary special that aired on Fox Footy in the lead-up to the grand final worked neither as comedy nor infotainment.
Focusing on the lifetime work of fictitious speechwriter Jimmy De Fanti and his work crafting the great oratories of the likes of Kennedy, Jeans and Sheedy, it was an idea that perhaps sounded far better around a meeting room table than it ended up on film. Poor John Kennedy. Here’s hoping Sandy’s considerable talents and extensive contact list are put to use on something a little closer to “30 for 30” docos than the sort of head-scratching dramatic material that Andy Kaufman would have baulked at.
The Matthew Richardson Spray for best late-career renaissance
A man of letters, panel show bon vivant and football survivor, Bulldogs defender Robert Murphy entered this season with his club in turmoil. The Dogs had shed their coach, captain and any outward sense of stability in the off-season, but along with new boss Luke Beveridge, Murphy took the reins with aplomb, peeling off arguably the best season of his career and leading the side towards a finals appearance that seemed eons away when the season kicked off.
The Final Word
“It’s probably not going to sink in until I retire and end up a fat old man sitting at a bar somewhere, telling everyone how good I was.” – Hawks triple-premiership defender Brian Lake looking forward to being released into the paddock.
The Jackson Award not-entirely-logical team of the year
Who better than the late Phil Walsh, who wanted the game to be played in joyful spirit and put his money where his mouth was (and his Dangerfield where their Fyfe was), to coach a side full of players whose mere presence makes football endlessly enjoyable?
An annual reminder: if some of these selections seem nonsensical, they’re only a reflection of this blog’s aesthetic preferences.
Backs: Jeremy McGovern, Alex Rance, Bachar Houli
Half-backs: Luke Hodge, Robert Murphy, Shaun Burgoyne
Centre: David Mundy, Sam Mitchell, Andrew Gaff
Half-forwards: Shaun Higgins, Jarryd Roughead, Jeremy Cameron
Forwards: Eddie Betts, Josh Kennedy, Tory Dickson
Followers: Nic Naitanui, Nat Fyfe, Patrick Dangerfield
Interchange: Jake Stringer, Patrick Cripps, Taylor Walker, Luke Shuey
Young emergencies named on Thursday night as part of ludicrous eight-man bench: Jack Lonie, Jesse Hogan, Dom Sheed, Touk Miller
Coach: Phil Walsh
