The Platinum Rubik’s Cube for game of the year
Yes, it’s freshest in the memory, but how can you go past Sunday’s decider which was so full of action, subplot and theatre that it captivated in a way few games, of any code, have in recent memory.
Had the previously luckless, winless Cowboys – steered about by the man they call JT, a hero in headgear – not scored that late, late try to level the scores when all seemed lost, we would have still regarded it as a classic grand final. But the Cowboys did score that late, late try (take a bow Michael Morgan, your miraculous match-winning play has almost been overlooked) and it did give our hero a chance to win it with a kick from the sidelines, and though he missed that kick by the cruellest of inches it propelled us into the maelstrom of golden point from which he cooly took his second chance, thereby throwing open the gates to the promised land.
Scarcely believing the parts they’d played in this extraordinary drama, players from both sides embraced and cried and one lonely figure dropped to his knees and prayed for a sinkhole. And 82,000 fans, and millions watching at home, took another breath then wondered how long it had been since their last. And our hero? He commiserated with the gallant losers, he shared pillow soft words with his wife, and he held his young daughter and looked at her in such a way that we were reminded that as incredible as his night had just been it still wasn’t the most important thing in his life.
The Studio 54 Award for club of the year
After ending their 20 long years in the wilderness – and becoming the new poster boys for underdogs everywhere – Paul Green’s North Queensland Cowboys are the club of the year. But it’s a close run thing. The Broncos, with Wayne Bennett back in the saddle, surprised most of us with their sustained excellence and they were a mere 15 seconds away from capping a remarkable season in the perfect way. Such are the margins in this game. Kudos, too, to the Melbourne Storm. Like plantar warts on a kid’s foot they are nigh on impossible to shift. And lastly, up, up the Cronulla Sharks for climbing from last place in 2014 to the second week of the finals. Their porch light is still on, however, but perhaps the Cowboys have given them renewed hope that one day they must just get to switch it off.
The Tina Turner Statuette for player of the year
Who else but Johnathan Thurston? Not because he scored the winning point in the grand final (and, because of it, leap-frogged arguably more deserving players like Anthony Milford, Jason Taumalolo and Jake Granville to win the Clive Churchill Medal) but because of his entire season’s work. Has there ever been a more consistent player, a more driven player, a player more capable of making the right play at the right time when everything is on the line? Nope. Remember that game against the Storm in round four? Trailing by seven points with eight minutes to go the Cowboys scored in the corner through Matthew Wright before Thurston converted from the sideline. In the final minute of regulation time Thurston landed a field goal to level the scores. And then, in golden-point extra-time, he kicked another to give the Cowboys a memorable 18-17 victory. Ridiculous.
Of course Thurston wasn’t the only player to excel this year. As such, book vouchers and copies of The War of the Worlds rock opera double cassette have been awarded to Blake Austin, Anthony Milford, Ben Hunt, Jesse Bromwich, and Roger Tuivasa-Sheck. Keep an eye out for the postie, fellas!
The Steve Gearin Monogramed Blazer for try of the year
One of the reasons we love this game is that it’s always difficult to select a try of the year. Why? Because there are too many to choose from. Oh to be a rugby union supporter, it’d be a much easier job! [I’d put a smiley face emoji in here if I was the emoji type. But I’m not.] Anyway, I was torn between a few leading candidates: another Shaun Johnson Sonic the Hedgehog-effort, this one against the Sharks in round nine; Tui Lolohea’s try for the Warriors against the Storm in Melbourne; and a scintillating 95m Broncos team try in round 12.
That Warriors try sure was something, featuring as it did an upside down, back to front Nathan ‘Look at me I’m Sandra Bullock in Gravity!’ Friend flinging the ball through his legs, but I can’t go past that Broncos try scored by Lachlan Maranta after the half-time siren during Brisbane’s away match against the Raiders. Bennett teams are often efficiently dour but this try, where Brisbane stitched a merry trail from the bottom right corner of the field to the top left, reminded us that, in his dotage, he’s taken to a bit of razzle dazzle. And doesn’t it make one smile? Like seeing your nan fall in love with a new hobby. Like parkour or tantric sex.
The Crash Test Dummy Quality Controller Award for hit of the year
Remember when centres were built like door-to-door salesmen, albeit ones who could run as freely as snow-fed mountain streams? Think Steve Rogers and Michael O’Connor. But then came the likes of Chris Close heralding the coming of the modern centre, minotaurs who might have played in the forwards but for their uncanny ability to propel their hulking frames with nimbleness and a surprising fleetness of foot. Manly’s Steve Matai is one of their number. He may have earned a reputation over the years for grubby acts but he’s got a lot of quality too. And he hits like a piano fired from a catapult. Witness his tackle this year on Souths’ Dave Tyrell, hitting him around about his driver’s door and crushing him like a can. So brutal was it, Peter Sterling, in commentary, let out an involuntary laugh. Not because he found it funny but because he was so grateful he wasn’t Tyrrell. Don’t listen to what anyone says: league is as tough as ever.
The Gilded Dummy for tantrum of the year
In early August the NRL announced a surprise $925 million five-year broadcast deal with Channel Nine that left News Corp out in the cold and scrambling for crumbs. Rupert Murdoch didn’t take it lying down. In fact, he stood up in his pram (or rose up, like Dracula from his coffin) and threw out all his toys. In his next fit of pique he oversaw Foxtel’s six-year, $2.5b deal with the AFL – including free-to-air rights for Seven and digital rights for Foxtel’s other co-owner Telstra. He then claimed he’d always preferred Aussie Rules to league – which perhaps isn’t as laughable as it sounds when you think what Super League did to the game.
The Burst Aneurysm Trophy for angriest performance in a leading role
If Good Friday is a time for solemn reflection James Graham, David Klemmer and a small section of Canterbury supporters (a section the game wouldn’t miss if they surprised everyone by taking up quilt-making instead) clearly didn’t get the memo. In the closing moments of Canterbury’s match against Souths at the Olympic Stadium the Rabbitohs, trailing 17-16, were awarded a penalty in front after Graham charged down an Adam Reynolds field-goal attempt and, in the act of doing so, buckled Adam’s knee (putting him out of action for weeks). Put on report by ref Gerard Sutton for dangerous contact Graham, incredulous, steamed and whistled like an unattended kettle. Then Klemmer joined in, and the two of them got into Sutton’s grille and roared angrily in his face like the Hulk would in the face of a shop assistant after discovering his favourite XXXXXXXXL cut-off stretch-denim shorts with the frayed hem are out of stock. With vitriol thick enough in the air to ladle, Souths kicked the penalty goal to win and, as Sutton exited the field, plastic bottles were hurled at the officials from the stands, with one injured as he slipped when ducking. Life bans were promised to the offenders while Graham and Klemmer – who will have to share the Burst Aneurysm, which may only prompt another wave of rage – were roundly and deservedly chastised.
The Hudson Hawk award for flop of the year
No, not the Roosters for again bowing out early from the finals despite a second-straight minor premiership. And not even Manly for their diabolical early form that, along with Daly Cherry-Evans’s flip-flopping on the Titans, played a part in Geoff Toovey getting his pink slip. No, Penrith it is. Oh, Penrith. You promised so much last year, storming into the preliminary finals fuelled by an intoxicating blend of wise heads and fearless youth. So exhilarating was your performance last year that, back in the innocent, hopeful days of March, many dreamed you’d go one better in 2015. After all, all the ingredients were still there. But then, suddenly, they weren’t. Like the devil catching up with Faust Penrith endured a horror of a year. If you made a montage of their injuries this season it would resemble the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan, and the confidence they’d captured the previous year escaped from the bottle. And try as they might they couldn’t get it back in, finishing just one win (albeit with a for-and-against buffer) from the wooden spoon.
The Susan Boyle award for breakout performance
Look away now Dragons fans for this one is a toss up between three rookies; Manly’s Tom Trbojevic, the Roosters’ Jackson Hastings and Cronulla’s Jack Bird. The latter two, of course, were Dragons juniors but their futures now looks very bright in different colours. Hastings stepped into the Roosters’ halves when Mitchell Pearce was injured late in the season and the Tri-colours lacked nothing for having him there. Bird wins, however, for his mature displays all season in the Sharks’ No6 jersey. His prize, a makeover and an honorary doctorate from the Ponds Institute.
The Ron Casey-Normie Rowe Award for adventures in live TV
To be fair it was one of the more sedate stunts on The Footy Show (brought to you by Mensa), an arm wrestle between former Cronulla Shark Ben Ross and Wendell Sailor’s biggest fan, Wendell Sailor. But the segment became uncomfortably memorable when, mid-wrestle, a distinctive pop was heard and Ross fell to his knees in agony as Sailor turned away in distress. “We’ll go to a break,” host Paul Vautin said, not realising at the time they’d just had one.
The Embalmed Cher award for turning back time
Canterbury’s round 16 home game was a feel-good moment that reminded us of the ramshackle beauty and passion of league before corporatisation ran rampant. After 17 years the Bulldogs returned to Belmore Oval for their match against the Melbourne Storm and a 16,000 sell-out crowd turned up to watch – with others outside watching from the trees. As I said at the time, had that crowd been transplanted to ANZ Stadium it would have ensured the contest had all the atmosphere of a card game in an airport hanger, but it fairly crackled in the suburbs of south-west Sydney. And Belmore, an aesthetically dour stadium, was transformed into a thing of beauty.
The B.A. Baracus & Friends award for team of the year
Time for one more award, and to increase the suspense I’ll thank you all here for your readership throughout the season. Cheers. Roger Tuivasa-Sheck, Semi Radradra, James Roberts, Michael Jennings, Curtis Rona, Anthony Milford, Johnathan Thurston, Corey Parker, Josh Jackson, Wade Graham, Matt Scott, Jake Granville, Jesse Bromwich. Consolation prizes, which includes an historical tour of Kings Cross night spots with Mitchell Pearce, are awarded to James Tedesco, Ben Hunt, Jarrod Croker, Marika Koroibete, Aaron Woods and Simon Mannering.
