Some people suggest it’s your “patriotic duty” to celebrate the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee.
This is absolutely right. It’s not enough to have a street party. You should have a picture of Her Royal Highness tattooed on your lip, and if you can’t afford to get it done professionally, do it with ink and a pair of scissors.
Some people will sing the National Anthem all weekend, but this isn’t enough. What about during the night when you’re asleep? You could go several hours without bellowing “God save our gracious Queen”, which is deeply insulting to Her Majesty, so we should all learn to snore the National Anthem.
A reporter on Sky News will tell us excitedly: “I’m in Maidstone with local resident Mary Nibworth, who spent all week up a tree painting blackbirds red, white and blue for the Jubilee weekend.”
She’ll say: “Sometimes the little beggars flap about while I’m clinging to a branch, so I get the colours the wrong way round and they look French. I get my husband to shoot those ones.”
BBC News will report from a village in Wiltshire, in which everyone has agreed not to go to the toilet all weekend. Parish councillor Isobel Pringle will tell us: “Platinum Jubilees don’t come round often, so it’s not too much to ask that we hold it in for four days just this once.”
To display how the monarchy moves forward with the times, everyone under 30 will be required by law to stand in their street rapping: “I see republicans, I flatten ’em, ’cos Her Majesty’s Jubilee is Platinum”.
Schoolboys will have their heads shaved, as it’s their patriotic duty to not have more hair than balding Prince William.
And every family must have one person who falls out with the others so much that they change their name and move to America, and do an interview explaining how they’re sick of the rest of them. Because it isn’t patriotic to have a family that’s less dysfunctional than the Royal Family.
Our monarchy has proved they’re a family born to rule, with finer values and ethics than the rest of us. For example, only one of them was close friends with an international sex offender. In most families, there are several of us who pay £12million to a woman who accuses us of sex offences, but not the Windsors.
They represent all of us. Who could be a greater symbol of the common man and woman than Prince Charles? When he makes statements such as, “Hnnn, yaaa, uhu, one considers hnnn awful ghastly” he speaks for all of us.
So we must all kneel in the road, chanting; “O’ mighty royal specimens of unimaginable magnificence, who art wondrous in all thy do, including gardening, pilates and snooker. We are eternally grateful to be your subjects, and that we don’t live in a batty country where everyone has to cheer their leader all the time like North Korea”.
