Dear Eva,
Back in August I met a guy on Tinder and things moved really fast: he was really into me, pursued me, and I went along with it. After a couple of dates we were sleeping together and that was cool, until three weeks into it when he texted me and said that he thought I was amazing, but he’d realized that his life was too complicated for him to be in a relationship with me, etc.
His life was complicated, so I wasn’t too upset. We had only been seeing each other for three weeks and I’d always suspected he wasn’t relationship material. That said, the whole thing upset me enough that I took a break from Tinder for a while, until yesterday when I decided to start using it again. And because I hadn’t deleted him off my profile, I can see that he’s still active. Now I’m kind of pissed off. Do I have a right to be? Should I say something to him?
I think I hate Tinder now.
•••
Hey, you.
It is OK to hate Tinder. I repeat: it is OK to hate Tinder. I don’t hate Tinder myself, but I do kind of hate the way that it has come to dominate the dating scene among people of a certain age, to the extent that if you’re not actively using it, the implication is that you’ll become some kind of Miss Havisham-like character, clutching desperately at your uncharged first-generation iPhone.
So, first of all: if you don’t want to use it, you don’t have to.
It does genuinely astound me, though, that if anyone starts telling an anecdote about a first date (if you live in a major US metropolitan area), it’s safe to assume that the date is the result of some swiping.
Has Tinder entirely changed the concept of what a first date is? I think it may have. So I also understand why people who have been stung by a bad experience sometimes feel the need to come shuffling back.
Anyway, to your particular case. Tinder is, in essence, like a giant world of single people in your pocket. So it doesn’t surprise me that this guy didn’t quit even though he quit you. If he’d met you in a non-digital way, I’m sure you know that the declaration that he didn’t want a relationship with you would not have precluded him from attempting to meet other women in bars or on the subway or whatever. The crucial difference, of course, would have been that you would have been very unlikely to witness his efforts.
That’s what’s insulting here, right? That he’s still on the prowl for other women when he claimed that he wasn’t in the market for a relationship. It’s not that upsetting that he didn’t want you in the long term, is it? Going out with someone who describes themselves as “complicated” tends to lead to that person blaming bad behavior on their complications. It is not a sign of maturity or, indeed, preparedness for love.
So you could send him a message saying something arch like, “I see you got over your complications”, and that would be not be hugely mature, but maybe it would be a little satisfying. But do you know what I think is going to make you feel even better? Knowing that you’re free to devote your uncomplicated heart to someone who deserves it. And that you have better ways to spend your time than checking how often some guy you once knew signs on to a dating app.
Love,
Eva
