The thing about writing a memoir is that you must relive – in embarrassing, painful detail – all of the mistakes you made as a younger person. And then share those mistakes with the world! In the week after my book, Sex Object, was published, one question seemed to come up again and again – a question that presumed this reliving of past mistakes gives one some special insight: What advice would you give to a young woman?
When it comes to sexism, growing up female, dealing with life in a woman’s body – what’s a girl to do? I don’t know that I have the all right answers for young women and girls – the way we experience sexism is so individualized, so dependent on our various identities and privileges. I do know, though, what I wish someone would have told me. So here’s a bit of advice to my teenage self, with the hopes that it will resonate beyond the life of one 15-year-old in New York.
Dear Jessica,
First things first: Mom is right, that lipstick is too dark. But onto more important things.
Somehow, despite the bravery and unwavering self-confidence you had when you were 10 years old, the last year or so of life has made you feel less-than. You don’t speak up quite as often, and when you do you don’t believe yourself quite as a fully. You hunch over when you walk, so that people won’t look at your body. You question whether you belong in a school with such smart students. You make a lot of jokes at your own expense with the hope that people will like you more for it.
Your adolescent swagger has been replaced with a full-body uncertainty. It’s not that one particular thing happened to make you less sure of yourself; in retrospect it seems that the cumulative impact of living while female made its mark. The entreaties to not be so opinionated, the lingering looks from grown men.
I’m glad you have a sense of humor about it, though – that’s important! But don’t forget to let that shield of jokes and sarcasm down every once in awhile. It helps to tell people how you’re really feeling.
I know you’re very, very interested in boys at the moment and the way in which they suddenly seem to be so interested in you. That’s great! Have some fun. But please know that your worth has nothing to do with how many guys ask you out or want to hook up with you – getting boys interested is easy, keeping yourself interesting is more important.
Oh yeah, and be wary of young men bearing Zima. It’s not a real drink, don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.
Consider riding the subway with a friend.
There is a wonderful Maya Angelou quote: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” When guys tell you they are selfish, or not ready for a relationship, or that they like you but don’t love you – believe them. If a friend shows themselves to be untrustworthy, believe it.
Yes, people can change – but it’s not your job to move them along.
Be nicer to mom, she does all sorts of work that you never notice or give her credit for. Yes, she can be a bit nosy and neurotic. But that’s a small price to pay for a woman who does all she does for you. Don’t be so bratty – you’ll feel bad about those cutting remarks to her for a long time to come.
I promise you are not nearly as ugly as you believe yourself to be.
Don’t listen to anyone who says that being in high school or college are the “best years of your life”. They’re not – the best is yet to come. Because with every year comes more self-awareness, more friends, more don’t-give-a-fuckness. Getting older is glorious.
Drinking can be fun, but trust me when I tell you that having more than two in a row is never a good idea. Smoke pot instead.
You will mess up, fail at things and feel miserable about it. You will do things that make you feel ashamed. From time to time, you will disappoint the people you love and who love you. Though it may not feel this way at the time: there is nothing you can’t come back from. No screw-up so large you can’t move on, no failure so epic that it will define you.
Life is messy, it makes sense that you are too.
On second thought, don’t stop wearing that lipstick. It looks awesome.
