OFF BRAND
Of all the surprises in the bewildering opening skirmishes of this topsy-turvy first-bit-of-the-season – and there have certainly been a few – this one tops the lot. Apparently Chelsea’s first-team squad is unhappy with their manager, who they believe is, to quote our news story, “scapegoating certain players” as a result of the Blues’ poor start to the season. It was, The Fiver supposes, only a matter of time. After five and a half years over two spells as manager, in which he has expertly fallen out with “criminal” rival players, “voyeur” rival managers, “boring” rival fans, “frustrating” Chelsea fans, “ridiculous” referees, match assessors who “don’t see the games” because “they stay eating and drinking”, “naive” doctors, “stupid” journalists, “parasite” TV pundits and “disgraceful” television stations, warned ball boys that “somebody might punch them”, told Rafa Benítez’s wife that she should “take care of her husband’s diet” and even had the occasional dig at the FA, Chelsea’s players have finally worked out that Mourinho likes to blame other people for stuff.
In terms of discoveries it’s not exactly the Higgs boson. These are people who can spot a pass in a heartbeat through a thicket of bodies, or predict and snuff out a possible source of danger before it’s even worked it out itself, yet it’s taken them 307 games to twig that their gaffer’s fond of a scapegoat. As even his own team now knows, when it comes to frankly revealing the true and genuine state of affairs Mourinho is programmed with honesty-evasion software so astonishingly efficient he seems scarcely human, as if rather than emerging blinking and screaming from his mother’s womb he rolled suavely off the production line at Volkswagen.
There was, it’s true, one time, earlier this year, when he admitted to an interviewer that he is not, in fact, perfect. “I have a problem,” he trilled in April. “My problem is I’m getting better at everything.” Yeah, well maybe it’s time you took a look at the league table … and his squad. The players currently cold-shouldered include Eden Hazard and Nemanja Matic (a bit), John Terry (quite a lot) and the seemingly toxic trifecta of Oscar, Loïc Rémy and Radamel Falcao (loads). And that’s just the list of those considered insufficiently reliable to start Tuesday’s Big Cup tie at Porto, their numbers presumably since swollen with those who were named in the team only to play like planks once they got there.
Before the game in Portugal Mourinho warned about players burdened with “that unstable attitude in terms of motivation, desire and commitment”. And while that doesn’t exactly sound great, the problem with denying footballers actual football is that they might spend some of their resulting free time thinking about other stuff, which is Mourinho’s latest problem. Well, that and constantly getting better at everything, obviously.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We cannot say that we are completely against the TFF’s ruling. Misconduct of any sort is intolerable in soccer and we don’t condone such behaviour. However, we have to get down to every detail of the matter” – an Mbeya City suit is not all that convincing as he says the club will consider appealing against the two-year ban and 2,000,000 shilingi fine handed down to captain Juma Said after his finger got all Gonzalo Jara on an Azam player in a recent Tanzanian Premier League match.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
In the latest of our Football Passport series, we hop over to Lampedusa for a chat with Alberto Urbinati, a diehard Lazio fan so angered by r@cism in Italian football that he founded Liberi Nantes, now a third-division team made up almost entirely of refugees.
FIVER LETTERS
“So there I was watching Countdown on Channel 4 yesterday. Rather surprised that Matthew Le Tissier was on. It wasn’t some ‘celebrity’ episode, but Le Tissier was playing against a Regular Joe. Coincidentally, Graeme Le Saux was in Dictionary Corner. Anyway, as the pundits say, LeTiss dun gud, breaking the 100 barrier” – David Morgans [presumably he faffed about for 29 seconds then pulled a conundrum out of the bag? – Fiver Ed].
“Like Monday’s Bits and Bobs, Scott Henderson (yesterday’s Fiver letters) has misinterpreted José Mourinho. Surely the Chelsea manager was actually claiming to be a ‘surreal’ champion. This explains not only the singular and bizarre behaviour, but the peculiar worldview, and how – to his own dreamlike way of thinking – he will remain a champion, regardless of whether Chelsea win the Premier League title, lose games in Big Cup, or indeed field a team in either competition” – Basile Bailey.
“I do not agree that José will stop being a serial champion if he doesn’t win championships for a certain length of time. I mean, serial killers don’t lose their tag just because they’re in prison, do they?” – Nick Jeffery.
“Is it just by chance that the downfall of English football in European competition has coincided with the retirement of Lord Ferg? Just throwing it out there” – Daniel Makeham.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: David Morgans.
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Crewe and Rotherham player Nathaniel James Kerr has been sent to the big house for a year after intentionally breaking an opponent’s leg with a two-footed tackle that he carried out due to being wound up by a different opposing player in a Sunday League match in Stockport. “All the while Kerr has shown absolutely no remorse for his vicious attack, calling the victim a ‘wimp’ and verbally abusing him as he was lying in agony on the pitch,” said Judge Stuart Driver QC. The victim, 30-year-old Stuart Parsons, needed a pin and plate in his ankle after being airlifted to hospital and has been unable to work for months.
Terry Butcher has been sack-shamed by Newport County.
Danny Ings and Dele Alli have been named in Mr Roy’s squad for the effective dead rubber Euro 2016 qualifiers against Estonia and Lithuania that no one in their right minds would watch. The squad in full: Butland (Stoke City), Hart (Manchester City), Heaton (Burnley); Bertrand (Southampton), Cahill (Chelsea), Clyne (Liverpool), Gibbs (Arsenal), Jagielka (Everton), Jones (Manchester United), Smalling (Manchester United), Stones (Everton); Alli (Tottenham), Barkley (Everton), Carrick (Manchester United), Morris-Dancing Fiver (Fiver Towers), Lallana (Liverpool), Milner (Liverpool), Oxlade-Chamberlain (Arsenal), Shelvey (Swansea City), Sterling (Manchester City); Ings (Liverpool), Kane (Tottenham), Rooney (Manchester United), Vardy (Leicester City), Walcott (Arsenal).
Malmo defender Anton Tinnerholm has revealed he turned his nose up at the chance to swap shirts with Him. “No, the finest shirt is the Malmo shirt,” he parped, oblivious to the money that can be trousered on eBay from such a thing.
Morgan Schneiderlin has wondered aloud as to why Manchester United’s early-season critics have turned the volume down. “People were talking about good results and not very good performances. In the last few weeks I don’t hear this any more, they don’t complain about the style of play or anything,” he ear-cupped.
Olympiakos striker Alfred Finnbogason stated the bleedin’ obvious after ushering Arsenal a little closer to the wormhole that will take them to Big Vase. “They don’t want to defend … our plan worked,” he cheered.
And in the kind of occurrence that would probably even convince Jeremy Corbyn that the world is so jigged it’s worth pressing That Big Red Button, Wales are now ranked the eighth best team in the world.
STILL WANT MORE?
Once upon a time – don’t laugh – The Fiver had promise. Obviously, it failed to live up to it. Theo Walcott is following a similar career trajectory, writes Jonathan Wilson.
Barney Ronay on Robert Lewandowski and Pep’s Bayern 2.0.
Booze, pretzels and lederhosen. It’s only the annual Bayern big jaunt to Oktoberfest. “No training today,” moaned the club’s Twitter account, before stumbling out of the front door, ambling down to the nearest shop and buying all the paprika Crunchips it could carry home.
Paul Doyle and Jacob Steinberg sat down to review the midweek talking points, stats and dead good photos in Big Cup so you didn’t have to.
The rise and rise of Dele Alli, a tale told by David Hytner.
Robin van Persie’s sorry benchwarming at Fenerbahce is proof that Turkish football is getting better, reckons Jamie Jackson.
There are so many scousers playing football that Liverpool needs a new football club. That’s handy, because it’s about to get a brand new shiny purple one, reports Paul Wilson.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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