TRANSFER MERRY-WOE-ROUND?
There was a time when the The Fiver used to hate the transfer window because too much was going on. The Man doesn’t pay us by the word, you know. So, even if we filed a lead item and 10 transfer window-related Bits and Bobs at 30 words apiece, we’d be none the richer. Po’ Fiver. But at least we had something with which to fill an unfunny tea-timely football email.
Back in the summer of 2015, when the Premier League transfer window merry-go-round was whizzing off its axis, we were chained to our desk knocking out nonsense on loads of stuff: Raheem Sterling’s £50m hop along the East Lancs Road, Bastian Schweinsteiger’s £14.4m retirement at Manchester United, Virgil van Dijk’s £11.5m transfer to Liverpool’s south-coast branch and hundreds of other mildly curious signings (Baba Rahman from Augsburg to Chelsea, anyone?) to name but a few. And all we got was a clip round the lughole for spelling Papa Jilobo … hang on … we’ll get there … Papy Djilobodji’s name wrong. Four years later and now we hate the transfer window because there’s sod all happening. Won’t somebody give the merry-go-round a shove?
OK, so if you apply some WD40, you can get Fabian Delph to Everton from Manchester City for £8.5m, but that’s a transfer that seems so mind-numbingly obvious it would have been more interesting had it not happened. “I’ve not come here just to be here – I’ve come here with ambitions to win things.” Thanks, Fabian. If you really put your shoulder into it, you can squeeze out news that West Ham might replace Marko Arnautovic with Eintracht Frankfurt’s Sébastian Haller for a club-record £45m if he can touch his toes and cough for the doctor successfully. What’s your opinion on that one? Exactly, you haven’t got one. It’s not exactly Andy Carroll in a helicopter using Google to find out who his new Liverpool teammates are after leaving Newcastle for £35m, is it? Sam Byram’s looking forward to a fresh start at Norwich after leaving West Ham for £750,000. Excited much?
All the players we’ve actually heard of like Neymar, Paul Pogba, Bryan Robson and, erm, Kevin Keegan, look like they’ll be staying put this summer after sending out S-O-S calls. And why? Because no one can effing afford them! Even the Steve Bruce du jour, Harry Maguire, is being priced at £75m-plus. Goodness! Stop being ridiculous and give us something to write about. Hang on a minute, though …
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It is very disheartening for everyone as many people gave up their time on Sunday 30 June to come in to help with the Palmerston tidy-up, which involved the cleaning of seats. Unfortunately, with the number of [them] that have taken up residency, the hard work carried out that day has been undone. Football grounds are a great attraction for them and we have already tried playing birds of prey noises over the sound system as well as flying bird of prey kites above the stands but they eventually get wise and come back” – Queen of the South appeal for fan patience over their ongoing bother with scavenging seagulls, after a number of complaints following the weekend’s League Cup game against Motherwell.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on the sporting story of the moment: a dog’s swipe.
FIVER LETTERS
“Arsenal fans who accuse Stan Kroenke of treating the club as an ‘investment vehicle’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) may not know how incredibly on the nose that is as a metaphor. I was once the owner of an investment vehicle, specifically a 1999 Jaguar XK8. Bought for a mere £4,000, how could I possibly lose on this $exy, massively powered purchase? Well, the road to hell began there. The first time I closed the door, the handle cracked like one of Jack Wilshere’s joints, the rear seat or back line as it were could not accommodate any mature adults (see all recent back fours), and the final straw was when a front headlamp was knackered, rendering the car an appearance of being half-asleep (hi there Mesut Özil!) and gruesomely expensive to replace. Deciding to sell, I found no eager buyers so I moved it on at a massive loss. Should I own a car again, I shall buy a Morris Minor that will live forgettably yet dependably in the mid-table of historic vehicles. I shall name it Everton” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“That’s amazing. If you Google HHAGTFABM (yesterday’s Fiver letters), you get a single link back to The Fiver” – Mark Jeffries.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day prize is … Hubert O’Hearn, who wins a copy of Here We Go: Everton in the 1980s – the players’ stories.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Marc Batchelor, who played for Kaizer Chiefs, Orlando Pirates and Mamelodi Sundowns, has been shot dead outside his home in Johannesburg. “He was attacked by two men who were driving a motorbike,” said a police spokesman.
Gareth Bale has been in the news over the last day or so, with rumours suggesting he might be returning to Spurs – but his Mr 15% insists to the contrary. “I don’t comment on rubbish,” commented Jonathan Barnett to two separate news outlets.
Arsenal aren’t taking up their option to re-sign Ismaël Bennacer, who’ll now make his way to Milan from Empoli.
Frankie Lampard’s Chelsea’s Frankie Lampard says relax.
Cameroon coach Clarence Seedorf is set for a booting after going out of Afcon 2019 in the last 16. “When you consider all what was done and the poor results obtained, in all objectivity, there’s no need to continue having Clarence Seedorf as head of Cameroon’s men’s football team,” sniffed sports minister Narcisse Mouelle Kombi.
And here’s some beach football madness.
STILL WANT MORE?
Senegal side stand one win from Afcon greatness. Nick Ames reports.
A selection of our writers’ favourite kits.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
