SWANNING OFF
When Francesco Guidolin bounded towards Huw Jenkins’s office on Monday morning, carrying a balloon in one hand and a caterpillar cake in the other, the Italian must have thought he was about to be greeted with a slap on the back, hearty good wishes and a bottle of fizzy pop. What other reason could there possibly be for Swansea City’s chairman asking to see his manager first thing? What a lovely, caring, generous club Guidolin worked for. Imagine, a boss who not only knew when his employees’ birthdays were but who went out of his way to make them feel like part of the family by organising surprise parties for them. The Italian’s excitement levels rose as he approached the door. He steadied himself, taking care not to drop the cake, and chuckled at the thought of Àngel Rangel and the gang sitting in the dark, hiding behind pieces of office furniture and preparing to leap out and shout “SURPRISE!” when Guidolin walked in.
At this point, however, The Fiver cannot help but remember the story Simon Jordan tells about sacking Trevor Francis as Crystal Palace’s manager. “Trevor Francis didn’t take it very well,” Jordan wrote in his book. “He just sat there quietly and said: ‘But it’s my birthday’.” Which is not dissimilar to how things panned out for Guidolin, who was left clutching his P45 instead of a birthday card after being told that his services were no longer required by Swansea, who have reached for the panic button in the wake of Saturday’s defeat by Liverpool. “Surprise!” Jenkins yelped. “You’re sacked. And what’s with the cake? Who has cake at this time of the day? You want to pull yourself together, Francesco. It’s exactly this kind of bizarre behaviour the board had in mind when it made its decision. Off you go.”
And off poor old Francesco did go, blinking back the tears as Heartless Huw shooed him out of his office. In comes former USA! USA!! USA!!! boss Bob Bradley, who is charged with pulling Swansea clear of the relegation zone. Bradley becomes the first American to manage in a major European league and in case you’re wondering, his birthday is 3 March, the day before Swansea host Burnley in what is likely to be a crunch clash near the bottom of the table. The other contender for the job, Ryan Giggs, turns 43 on 29 November. What if he had turned out to be too inexperienced? Sacking one manager on his birthday is bad enough – but two in the same season? Swansea couldn’t afford to take that risk.
All in all, it’s not been a good day for Italian managers, with former European champions Aston Villa giving former European champion Bobby Di Matteo the old heave-ho. Villa are in desperate straits in the Championship, one win in 12 matches leaving them in 19th place, and Di Matteo has paid the price for that awful start. Turns out this management lark isn’t quite as easy when you don’t have Petr Cech in inspired form in goal, Didier Drogba in battering-ram mode up front and opponents who level the playing field by tying Mario Gómez’s shoelaces together and whose world-class forwards suddenly forget how to take penalties at crucial points in knockout matches.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Journalism I see as a little difficult, it’s a difficult world, like being a footballer or in fashion, but I can’t see myself in [journalism], no, no” – The Fiver can breathe a little more easily as He rules out a lucrative move to Big Website.
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Penalty of the weekend. By far. And Juan Mata: gent.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: ‘Postcards from the Edge’ (Friday’s Fiver). ‘Dear Adam, Larry and Bono, having a great time. Wish you were here’” – Dermot McDermott.
“Re: ‘who sends postcards?’ (Friday’s Fiver). It’s another bit of England tat to be kept and later sold as a collectible item when enough time has passed to make them worth selling. Surely, when the FA is monetising everything it can, this token ‘freebie’ could help the players line their own pockets. Then the FA will start selling collectors’ books and cards to the public. Fiver, you still have a measure of innocence so you couldn’t see venality at work in this ploy. Perhaps they only hired Sam to make the cards more valuable (this US election is making me doubt everything)?” – Lynda Akin.
“I cannot help but wonder what Gerard Deulofeu (Friday’s Quote of the Day) would do with three wishes. A couple of never-ending bottles of Guinness and you can keep the third one, thanks” – Simon McGrother.
“Your use of the phrase ‘knee-oof’ (Friday’s Bits and Bobs) – being outside the oft-discussed knack hierarchy – is an obvious attempt to generate letters from readers. Well, I, for one, am not going to fall for your blatant trick” – Ray in Houston (and others).
“A comment on the international break or the historical origin of The Fiver’s Stop Football campaign? Attached (Parker’s Piece, Cambridge, earlier) is the very ground where the rules of the game were first introduced. Now that’s foresight” – Steve Bennett.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Steve Bennett.
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BITS AND BOBS
Former Liverpool, West Ham and Cameroon defender Rigobert Song is reportedly fighting for his life after being rushed to hospital in Yaoundé.
Gareth Southgate has become the next England manager to drink from that poisoned chalice. “The decision to make Wayne captain is quite simple,” he trilled. Hmm …
Victor Moses is still at Chelsea, apparently, and is proof that persistence pays off, according to Antonio Conte. “Moses played an incredible game in a defensive situation and offensive situation,” he cheered.
Ander Herrera has brushed off Manchester United’s failure to do it on a crisp, autumn Sunday against Stoke. “When you want to fight for everything these days are more painful,” he droned. “But we can take a lot of good things from this game.”
Liverpool are riding high in third place but Jürgen Klopp does want any cake, let alone to eat it, as he closes on a year in the Anfield hot seat. “It’s a year, I’m a year older and all this sh!t, but everything else is good,” he blootered. “Not perfect, but in a good way.”
Hugo Lloris does suave, continental disinterest rather well and he was on top form after Tottenham’s headline-grabbing win over Manchester City. “Of course it is easier to speak after a good performance and a good win but it is too early to speak about this season,” he snoozed.
West Ham have promised to take over the club’s women’s team after accusations that they had been discriminated against. “The day-to-day management of West Ham United Ladies FC was transferred to a third party some time ago, and unfortunately it is an arrangement that has simply not worked,” parped a club suit.
And Sparta Prague keeper Tomas Koubek has said sorry for his pathetic outburst after a female assistant referee failed to flag a key incident in the 3-3 draw with Brno. “My opinion is that women belong at the stove and should not officiate men’s football,” he belched. On Monday he shamefacedly took social media disgrace Facebook: “Immediately after the game, I said a sentence for which I’m sorry and for which I apologise to all women.”
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Like the external acoustic meatus, AC Jimbo and co are all up in your ears. Here’s the latest Football Weekly. And tickets are still available for the next live show in London.
STILL WANT MORE?
Here’s a fascinating excerpt from Howard Gayle’s new book, on the mental resilience he needed as Liverpool’s first black player.
La Liga’s a bit lively, eh? Here’s Sid Lowe.
Barney Ronay waxes lyrical over Son Heung-min’s tireless performance against City, featuring Mauricio Pochettino as a dementedly angry wedding cake figurine. And Michael Cox offers his tactical musings on the game.
Fortune rather fluency was Arsène Wenger’s gift on his 20th anniversary as Arsenal manager.
Premier League talking points … 10 of ’em.
Josh Morris has been in the goals for Firewall FC this season – Alan Smith investigates.
Milan’s fresh-faced whelps are giving the Rossoneri reason for optimism at long last, reports Paolo Bandini.
Jamie Jackson checks in on José Mourinho’s Manchester United story so far.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
