LES BOOS
In football, there is nothing quite so thrilling as watching the team you support succeed. The luxury of strolling to a match unburdened by fear, confident that the rollercoaster you are about to board will travel only upwards, delivering entertainment and pleasure without fear or even tension. The thrill of watching your team take to the field in the knowledge that not one of its members will let you down. And then, as it plays out, the goals: moves that gradually build in excitement and intensity and finally explode into joyous celebration, each – and there are, of course, many – as delicious as the last.
But failing that, it’s nice to have someone else to laugh at.
And so to France (population 64,987,246) who last night played Luxembourg (population 585,521) on home soil and failed to win. Paul Pogba (with a stretching header) and Antoine Griezmann (with a wildly optimistic long-range free-kick) both struck the woodwork but Luxembourg’s luck held, as it jolly well should given their coach is called Luc Holtz. “It is a day of glory for Luxembourg football,” he beamed. And also for embittered and jealous followers of average international sides everywhere.
Didier Deschamps insisted it wasn’t his team’s fault. “I would like to congratulate Luxembourg who, like their goalkeeper, have been heroic,” he stumbled. “We created opportunities but lacked lucidity. There was always a foot, a leg, a post. It is annoying to have so many chances and not score, but we have to accept it. That’s football.”
Pauvre Didier. The France coach sounded like a man who had finally scraped through the bottom of the big barrel of excuses and found a gaping black space underneath. Of all the supposed reasons for footballing failure, the fact that “there was always a foot” must rank among the least convincing. It’s akin to criticising a bicycle because it only has two wheels, or taking against Portsmouth because there’s a port. And a mouth.
Besides, Fiver didn’t even spot that many chances. Not unless you count every one of Pogba’s infinite weak curlers from distance as a chance for anything other than Jonathan Joubert, Luxembourg’s 37-year-old (38 next Tuesday) goalkeeper, to make an eye-catching but profoundly facile save. Though there was certainly one for Luxembourg’s Gerson Rodrigues, who ignored the pleas of two centrally-placed team-mates to shoot across Hugo Lloris and against the far post 12 minutes from time.
Luxembourg thus become the second team to humiliate the French with a goalless draw in Uefa’s qualifying Group A, after Belarus – now bottom of the group after losing in Luxembourg on Thursday – almost exactly a year previously. In the bowels of Toulouse’s catchily-titled Stadium de Toulouse on Sunday night Olivier Giroud said there was “a lot of frustration and disappointment”, while Kylian Mbappé described “a great disappointment” and Samuel Umtiti admitted “we know we can do much better”.
And, of course, they will. They need only to beat Bulgaria away and Belarus at home next month to be absolutely certain of qualifying, while second-placed Sweden must still travel to Holland. And, once in Russia, they will almost certainly do better than England or, indeed, the representatives of most of those sniggering childishly over their latest result.
But still, for now, ha, and also ha.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Congrats to Wales! What A game! And Ben Woodburn! Nice goal!” – well at least David Hasselhoff is finding international fortnight exciting.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join Max Rushden, Barry Glendenning, Ed Aarons and Paul MacInnes for a discussion about, er, passion in this week’s Football Weekly Extra.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Good to see Petr Cech forging out a new career for when his Arsenal days are over. He’s hit the ground running starring opposite Annette Bening” – Mark Judd.
“Re. hatstands: thank you to Sam Carpenter and the 1,056 others (Friday’s Fiver letters) for pointing out my mathematical error! Of course there’s a fourth option! How long can he stand on one leg though?” – Andrew Tate.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Mark Judd.
BITS AND BOBS
Diego Costa will be free to attend the Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain’s Jazz Café gig next Tuesday having been left out of Chelsea’s Big Cup squad. Vincent Janssen will similarly be able to get his mosh on at the Dead By April show in Islington after Spurs did the same to him. Zlatan Ibrahimovic, on the other hand, has been included in Manchester United’s but could still make either show after José Mourinho said he would not be fit for any of the matches.
Gareth Southgate has taken aim at $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver and other England fans who suggested his side don’t get as hot and bothered about the flag of St George as they do. “The notion the players aren’t proud to play is outrageous, really,” he yelped, before tonight’s spiritless 1-1 draw with Slovakia. “They’re unbelievably proud to play.”
Uefa has shrugged its shoulders after La Liga chief suit Javier Tebas, perhaps after scratching his brass neck, demanded that they get busy investigating Man City for a breach of FFP because, he claims, they benefit from state aid that “distorts European competitions”.
Wayne Rooney, who appears to have taken the Weird Uncle Fiver way home at the weekend, reckons he could be a decent manager when he hangs up his boots because he actually watches football. “I’ve always studied it to try to see different things during the game, and I know a lot of players I’ve played with don’t do that,” tootled Rooney. “They’re more into watching tricks on YouTube, and stuff like that. But I watch games and try to work how teams are going to try to break the other team down, and vice versa.”
Is Wee Gordon going to rest any of the five players on a yellow card when Scotland face Malta? Naw. “Stand up and be counted. Don’t be bullied by anyone for the sake of not getting that yellow card,” he roared, as Scott Brown made growling noises behind him.
Joachim Löw has let rip at Germany fans who sang Nazi-era chants during the 2-1 World Cup qualifying win over Czech Republic. “I am not so much upset or sad as I am full of rage,” he said. “I think that describes my feelings better. I am really very angry about what happened, that some so-called fans used the stage of an international football match to bring shame on our country.”
Meanwhile, Germany’s Sami Khedira is so bloody nice he’s bought 1,200 tickets for tonight’s World Cup qualifier against Norway in his native Stuttgart so that socially disadvantaged kids and children fighting cancer in the area can go to the match. “It was important not just to give money, but that the kids themselves could get something from it,” he said. “Most wouldn’t have had the chance to attend a game for various reasons.”
And Hoff favourite Ben Woodburn can follow Gareth Bale to the top, according to John Hartson, who completely ignored Wales boss Chris Coleman’s advice not to get carried away after the teenage debutant’s winning goal for Wales against Austria. “We’ve found one. We have found another one!” cheered Hartson. “We found a Giggs, we found a Bale and now we’ve found a Woodburn!”
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
“I made my debut in Diyarbakir, in the south-east of the country towards Syria and Iraq. I had a stomach ache all day and when I needed to go to the toilet in the dressing rooms it was just a hole in the ground. I was concerned that I might fall in” – Darius Vassell’s adventures in Turkey are a must-read.
Good news for Arsenal fans – your team isn’t quite as hopeless as the US sides owned by Stan Kroenke. Yet. DJ Gallo has more.
Lionel Messi’s 2011 pearler against Neymar’s Santos encapsulated the brilliance of the Pep Guardiola era. Lawrence Ostlere takes a look back at better times for Barcelona.
Mrtn Skrtl is still a fearsome defender at Fenerbahce, and is ready to shut out England/get sent off for a reckless two-footer at Wembley tonight, says Lukas Vrablik.
Supporters of all 20 Premier League clubs give their transfer window verdicts. Manchester United and West Brom fans are delighted, Brighton and Newcastle fans not so much.
Crystal Palace are struggling to become the ‘English Ajax’ after an Allardyce-fuelled relegation escape – but a director of football would have helped them manage the tricky transition, argues Jacob Steinberg.
By the Fiver’s crude calculations, Carlos Tevez has cost Shanghai Shenhua £47m per league goal. John Duerden has more on what went wrong.
Exeter and Newport are two community-minded clubs with managers that have been on board for over a decade each – and both are riding high in League Two. Jeremy Alexander went down to Devon to find out more.
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