FANTASY FOOTBALL
The Fiver and like-minded folks, such as Sir Chips Keswick and Lord Harris of Peckham, enjoy few things more than idle wondering. Will there ever come a time when everyone travels by jetpack, pubs open on Mars, and Arsène Wenger is not manager of Arsenal? These are the sort of fantastical scenarios The Fiver likes to mull over between gulps, without ever going so far as to finish the thought.
Sir Chips and Lord Harris are more dynamic than The Fiver, of course. And according to reports, the old fruits, or some other big bananas at Arsenal, have begun translating their far-fetched visions into action. Apparently they’ve even whipped out a napkin and doodled down a shortlist of mangers who could be approached when Wenger zips up his sleeping bag coat for the very last time. It’s never too early to prepare for the 22nd century.
Like graffiti in a public toilet, the shortlist makes for interesting reading in the absence of anything more wholesome to consider. The four men who have caught the eye of the Arsenal regime are reportedly: Leonardo Jardim, because Wenger says all the greatest managers in football history have won the French league with Monaco; Jogi Löw, because Mesut Özil says he’s very understanding; Brendan Rodgers, because it took Bayern Munich two matches to beat the Queen’s Celtic by a combined score of 5-1; and Mikel Arteta, because a three-man shortlist might look lazy.
Since word has seeped out about the alleged shortlist, other people have been keen to put forward alternative names. Ray Parlour has vouched for his old mucker Patrick Vieira; Paul Merson says the lad from that Tesco Express in Northolt should be given a chance rather than someone no one’s ever heard from Spainland; and Sol Campbell hopes his phone will ring, because great minds think alike.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“At a fans’ forum on Monday, Bowler once again declined to comment and bizarrely received a round of applause. He said it would be ‘inappropriate’ to discuss the matter. No John, what is inappropriate is the behaviour of the club. The lack of empathy and common decency regarding the response to survivors, and the unwillingness to take any corporate responsibility, shames football and soils what’s left of Crewe’s reputation” – Adam Breeze on why he’s had to turn his back on the club he loved.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: backflip celebrations (Fiver letters passim). May I present Sam Kerr, Australia’s best flamin’ footballer (including men). By the way, she was also named Young Australian of the Year last month. What a legend” – Kristian Karamfiles.
“I returned last night from a golf weekend in Marbella. During an idle moment drinking Tin, my compadres and I were entertained on Spanish TV station, Gol, by the under-13 World Club Championship final contested by Real Madrid and Lizzy FC from Ghana. Lizzy equalised in the second half and the scorer completed three back somersaults in celebration. Unfortunately, he didn’t quite land the last one correctly and was immediately carried off knacked. So that is probably why we do not see such exuberance in abundance. For the record, Lizzy won on penalties” – Jerry Gray.
“If Mr Pep wants to continue his political protest and not have to shell out coin (yesterday’s Fiver), he could find inspiration from one of his predecessors by wearing oversized neckwear to ward off the chilly northern chill” – Declan Keane.
“So many awards for Big Website and Big Paper and yet The Fiver is cruelly overlooked once again, for the 10th consecutive year. It’s almost as though carefully researched pieces that make a fundamental difference to the narrative are rewarded whereas cheap sarcastic comments, bad puns and poor letters from readers who are avoiding doing work (ahem) aren’t truly valued. We should all start wearing a ribbon to protest against the injustice” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Kristian Karamfiles.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Traditionalists brace yourselves: a winter break is coming, after provisional agreements were reached to take a fortnight off in February, from the 2019-20 season.
You visit one clinic called ‘Drip Doctors’ and suddenly you get yourself banned: Samir Nasri has been suspended for six months for a doping violation, due to him partaking a little too excessively on the old treatment.
They say never go back, but a possible exception is if the place you’re going back to has turned into a shambling mess in the intervening period. Or, to put it another way, the Italian FA wants Antonio Conte to be their manager again.
Two days after sacking himself, Billericay Town owner-manager Glenn Tamplin has reinstated himself as first-team boss following high-level talks with himself. “The players have insisted Glenn stay on to see them through what has proved to be a low point for the club with three losses in four games,” barfed a statement.
And we’re not even sure if this is allowed, but Swansea winger Jefferson Montero has joined Ecuadorian club Emelec on a sub-loan from Spanish side Getafe.
STILL WANT MORE?
You don’t often get a Venn diagram which features both “Harvard economist” and “Everton goalkeeper”: Suzanne Wrack talks to Lizzie Durack about turning down Goldman Sachs to go between the sticks on Merseyside.
Caught between the Oystons and Valeri Belokon: Proper Journalist David Conn goes digging in Blackpool and finds some ugly stuff in the sand.
Zombies, Sigmund Freud and King Lear: Barney Ronay writes about Arsenal and their lack of love for living.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
