WINDOW SHOPPING
Sometimes The Fiver struggles to believe the horrors that continue to occur in a supposedly civilised society. We are three days away from a new Premier League season, yet still nobody has published the definitive piece that quantifies how much we should expect Jadon Sancho to improve Manchester’s United Expected Goals. There’s no time for such soulful analysis because, although the new season is almost upon us, transfers are still the only thing anyone is talking about.
This is what happens when the start of the season and the closing of the transfer window overlap. Uefa, the FA or whoever runs this thing of ours need to prioritise what’s important. The Fiver has a simple solution: the 2022-23 season must start on 1 September, so that actual football no longer has any chance of impinging upon our maladaptive daydreams about what might happen if such and such sign so and so and play him in such and such a position.
Yep, it’s been another big day for those who have shares in Jim White. (Yes, yes, we know he’s left Sky but he’s still doing the business elsewhere, and it’ll always be Jim White Day, at least in our souls.) There’s only one place to start, and that’s with the news that Romelu Lukaku will soon – possibly by the time you read this, in which case today’s Fiver was an exercise in futility even by our market-leading standards - complete his £97.5m move to Chelsea.
It’s seven years since Chelsea sold Lukaku to Everton for £28m, which means they have effectively received a loan fee of minus £69.5m for giving seven of his peak years to Everton, Manchester United and Internazionale. Not that any of this is Thomas Tuchel’s fault, or lookout. “Romelu is one of the guys like [Erling] Haaland at Dortmund, [Robert] Lewandowski at Bayern Munich, Harry Kane at Tottenham, who is a real No 9 who loves to score and who has a presence in the box,” said Tuchel before bursting into a chorus of “don’t want no false, false nine” while thrusting his hips and throwing his hands enigmatically.
Lukaku’s arrival has extinguished the 0.0001% chance Tammy Abraham had of being allowed within 100 yards of a football on Tuchel’s watch. Instead he must comfort in the warm, loving bosom of José Mourinho, whose Roma side have had a bid of £34m accepted. José’s up to something, but we’ve given up trying to work out what it is.
Another Chelsea forward, the teenage Albania international Armando Broja, has joined Southampton on a season-long loan. Southampton are also hoping to buy Adam Armstrong from Blackburn. He and Broja will act as replacements for Danny Ings, who in turn is one of 47 Jack Grealish replacements signed by Aston Villa.
Norwich have bought the American forward Josh Sargent from Werder Bremen, while Brighton have signed the Japan international midfielder Kaoru Mitoma, who will go straight to Belgium on loan. And former light entertainer John Stones has signed a new five-year deal at Manchester City. We’ve saved the biggest news for last. Leo Ostigard has moved on loan from Brighton to Stoke, where he hopes to prove once and for all that he can do it on a wet, windy night.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Yes, Leo’s gonna sign with Paris Saint-Germain today” – oh yeah, Lionel Messi’s old man, Jorge, reminds us about this little bit of transfer news, too.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I was disappointed to see that it wan’t Mr Messi’s fault that he had to leave his beloved Barcelona. If so, I was going to write a Fiver letter punning about ‘Lionel Itchy’ to leave. But I guess I’ve done that now anyway …” – Gerry Rickard.
“Funny enough, the discussion about Fantasy Football names (Fiver letters passim) came up with a colleague just today with the news Adam Armstrong will play alongside not just Stuart Armstrong at Southampton, but also Che Adams, just to really grate on commentators dealing with Adams and Armstrongs. It could be especially entertaining when they play Aston Villa, what with the dynamic duo of Mings and Ings. You have to feel for Paul Merson if he ends up on that game for Soccer Saturday, don’t you?” – Ferg Slade.
“And in bad luck follows complete incompetence news ...” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Ferg Slade.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Social media disgrace Twitter says the UK was “by far” the main origin of racist posts aimed at England players after the Euro 2020 final.
Real Madrid will launch civil and criminal lawsuits against La Liga head-honcho Javier Tebas and CVC Capital Partners’ chief Javier de Jaime Guijarro over their proposed €2.7bn deal, which would give the private equity firm a 10% stake in the league.
Everton have broken ground on their new stadium at Bramley-Moore Dock. “This is a momentous day. One that we have all been waiting for,” parped chief suit Bill Kenwright to the sound of Unesco plaques being torn down behind him.
Liverpool’s Andy Robertson has been ruled out for around a month with ankle-knack. “I think we got lucky. It could have been worse,” yelped Jürgen Klopp.
And Roy Keane has revealed that he played his worst football for Manchester United after trying to add a little zen into his life. “‘We played Real Madrid at home one time and I was shocking,” he growled. “But I’d just tried yoga at home a couple of days before and I couldn’t get going.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Despite all the cash and adulation swirling around him, Lionel Messi’s Barcelona departure shows players are still at the bottom of the modern game’s dysfunctional power structure, writes Jonathan Liew.
“It’s not about making money”: Will Unwin talks to ex-players turned Mr 15%s Mikkel Beck and Will Buckley about their new careers.
Our latest pre-season previews assess whether Manchester United can become proper title contenders and the tough task ahead for Bernard Cribbins at Newcastle.
It’s grim up north London: David Hytner on the various ills afflicting Spurs and Arsenal going into the new campaign.
Catch up with the latest moves in our women’s and men’s transfer interactives.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
