It doesn’t take much convincing to get a bunch of footballers to dive into a crate of prosecco. The England women’s team finished third at the World Cup this summer. Now they’re up for a stack of awards, so the Lionesses are raring to go on the celebratory fizz.
But mince pies? Not so much. Striker Eniola Aluko admits defeat before we’ve even started. “I just really don’t like mince pies,” she says. Forward Lianne Sanderson agrees: “It’s like having to eat your crusts as a kid.” “No one likes mince pies,” shouts left-back Claire Rafferty, “but you just have to have them, it’s tradition.” That’s the spirit!
We decide the best way to warm up is by getting a few glasses of something cold and bubbly down these Super League necks. “It’s definitely right for us to be drinking prosecco,” grins Aluko. “We’ve had a good year.” The team clink glasses in celebration of one hell of a 2015. Until, that is, the taste of the first offering kicks in …
Prosecco
Co-operative Prosecco Special Cuvee £9.99
“That’s what you get free at cheap events!” shouts one of the panel. Goalkeeper Siobhan Chamberlain winces as if she’s been on the end of a hairdryer team talk. “Oh God, I wonder if it’s gonna give me one of those cheap booze hangovers?” ponders Sanderson. “I would not serve that at Christmas,” gags Aluko. Under no circumstances? “No.” Not even if someone you hate came over? “We don’t hate anyone that much,” she replies, giving it 0.5. 0/5
Morrisons Signature Prosecco Spumante £10
“Look at us! Drinking prosecco in Hackney Marshes!” chuckles Sanderson. “We’ve made it.” Then the flavour hits and the women start croaking. “It’s dry!” squawk half the panel. “I think it might go OK with KFC,” says Aluko. “Although it tastes a bit cheap.” “Yeah, and we don’t even mind drinking cheap drinks,” says Sanderson. “I’m all about that £2 buck’s fizz for celebrations – in fact, I’d drink that over this.” 2/5
Waitrose La Gioiosa Prosecco DOCG Superiore £13.49
Faces tighten like a beleaguered back four as this hits the women’s tastebuds. “This has a sharp taste!” complains Sanderson. “Too champagney!” groans Aluko, “although it does taste … shiny.” Five minutes later, glasses are still full. “See how slowly I’m having to sip this? It needs orange juice,” someone complains. “Did we drink prosecco to celebrate our World Cup win?” ponders Sanderson. “Oh God, I don’t know. There was a lot of alcohol. At one point, the hotel had to send someone to tell us to be quiet.” 2/5
Vallednoma Italian Fine Foods Bisol Crede Valdobbiadene Prosecco 2013 £16
“Ooh! It’s sharp! I don’t like sharp,” winces Chamberlain. “It’s not too sharp, though!” retorts Sanderson. “Too bubbly,” complains Aluko. Frankly, the team are all over the place. Thank God this isn’t a World Cup match. “Well, I personally wouldn’t drink that at Christmas,” grimaces Chamberlain. ”I’d probably drink it on a hen do, though.” 3/5
Lidl Conegliano Valdobbiadene Prosecco £7.49
“My tummy’s feeling a bit warm,” chuckles Sanderson, as they pour. “I’m gonna be on the floor at this rate, I haven’t eaten a thing!” laughs Aluko, before justifying said statement with her verdict. “It’s bubbly! I like that it goes down my throat nicely,” she announces to a chorus of cackling. “More bubbles, less calories!” shouts someone. We point out that this seems unlikely to be true. “I’m sticking to my guns,” comes the retort. It is declared the diet option, and we move on. 3/5
Tesco Finest Prosecco DOC Brut £8
“Urgh! It tastes like nail polish!” complains Aluko. “When have you ever drunk nail polish?” chuckles Chamberlain. “She does it all the time,” claims Sanderson, “I’ve seen her!” Overall, it is declared “too sharp” or “too bitter” by group consensus. “I’d drink about half a glass of that, max,” groans Aluko. So one to palm off on that family member who will drink any old rubbish? “Does that person even exist?” asks Sanderson. “People always say they do, but I’ve just never noticed that person in my family. Although I suppose that means it might be me.” 2/5
WINNER Moonpig Botega Gold £30
It’s light, it’s fizzy and it’s “easy to drink”. The fact that it comes in a gold bottle so blingy that it could have been forged from melted-down Oscar statuettes doesn’t hurt either. One player thinks it “looks totally designer”, Sanderson decides it’s “definitely worth £30” and Aluko exclaims: “I would buy this just for the bottle! I feel like I’m in a rap video!” Which prompts Sanderson to add: “Just so you know, her nickname used to be 50 Cent.” Which doesn’t make a lot of sense, but seven bottles in, not much does. 4/5
Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference Conegliano Prosecco £10
Major tactical error: giving eight bottles of prosecco to people whose training regime means they barely ever drink. “Oh God, I’m such a lightweight! It’s going straight to my head!” giggles Aluko. “Ooh! It’s fruity! I like that about it!” announces Sanderson, before Aluko makes it a game of two halves by declaring herself “not blown away”. We finish our taste test and Sanderson announces a judges’ summary: “Oh my God, I need some water now.” Our work here is done. 3/5
Alexi Duggins
Mince pies
We’re a player down inside the first five minutes as star defender Lucy Bronze subs herself off, declaring that a deal with Sainsbury’s means she can’t comment on products from rival supermarkets. That doesn’t stop her commentating from the sidelines: “Ooh! This is just like watching the Bake Off!” Thankfully, Chamberlain takes one for the team. Despite her upcoming wedding on Saturday and worries about how the pies might affect her dress, she bravely dives in.
Heston from Waitrose spiced shortcrust mince pies £3.50/6
Chamberlain gives these a red card: “They’re cheating,” she says, “they’re not really mince pies.” But for some, they are a godsend. “I like it because it doesn’t look or taste like a pie,” says Sanderson. “It reminds me of Jamaican carrot cake – I could eat two of these!” Rafferty reckons she’s “getting a lot of cinnamon” and likens it to fruit cake. “They’re for people who like exquisite foods,” says Chamberlain. “They look nice, but they’re not.” 3/5
Fortnum & Mason traditional mince pies £13.95/6
Even with a hefty price tag, there is almost unanimous agreement that these are the Marta of mince pies. Chamberlain is so enamoured she loses the power of speech: “Mmm, mmm, MMMM!” Rafferty embarks on a technical analysis: “There is a little special pastry layer between the top of the pie and the lid. It’s like a little air bag!” Even the most avid mince-pie hater, Aluko, admits “the pastry is actually really nice”. 4/5
Waitrose deep-filled shortcrust mince pies £1.70/6
“I like Waitrose,” chirps Chamberlain. But as soon as the pies come out of the box, they are relegated to bottom of the league. “Ooh,” she says, disgustedly, “I don’t like the look of these. They’re not well presented. They’re crumbly, and they’re quite thick and dry.” After a single bite, there is an emergency request for water and napkins. “I didn’t even manage to bite through to the mincemeat – that’s not a good sign. They’re £1.70? You can tell. They’re awful.” 2/5
Selfridges speciality mince pies £7.99/4
These are the golden boots of mince pies … in appearance. But as they say on Hackney Marshes, “all the kit and still shit”. So while the players ooh and aah at the fancy presentation box and the absence of a “tacky foil wrapper”, one bite and these are roundly panned. “The pastry has a nice crumble,” starts Chamberlain, hopefully, “but ooh no, the filling’s dry! Look how dry that is!” “Urgh!” agrees Rafferty. “The other ones are more … oh God, I don’t want to say ‘moist’. But, erm … damp.” There is collective horror at the price tag. “Wow, that’s a rip-off,” concludes Chamberlain. 3/5
Co-operative Truly Irresistible Luxury all butter mince pies £2/6
“Overpriced”, “dry”, “I feel like I’m going to be sick” is the verdict. But the game was over before it even kicked off as the players struggled to get the pies out of their containers, the lids decapitating themselves from the rest of the pie. “I’ve just never really understood mince pies,” says Aluko, now emboldened in her anti-pie stance. “Christmas is meant to be a celebration of food; in my house we have turkey, lobster, fried rice, everything. But definitely not mince pies.” 2/5
Lidl luxury mince pies £1.15/6
Chamberlain gamely soldiers on, the last woman standing. “The inside is nice,” she concedes of the cheapest of all the pies on the table, “but the outside is hard, more like a biscuit. Still, it’s not bad value if you’re doing Christmas on a budget.” The conclusion? Solid second tier, not quite your top flight, but at least you’re not getting stung on an away ticket. And, of course, you get a pie. 3/5
WINNER Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference mini all-butter mince pies £2.50/9
These are the biggest crowd-pleaser on the pitch. “You know how your nan goes: ‘Ooh, go on, have a mince pie …’” says Bronze, who has subbed herself back on for extra time. “Well, you could actually have one with these because they’re small.” Chamberlain likes the overall package: “They’re so Christmassy, like a star on top of the tree, cute and dainty.” Sanderson nods. “I could eat more of these,” she says, “the filling tastes … fresh. A small pie is encouraging, it’s bite-size; a big pie can be a bit overwhelming.” 4/5
Anna Kessel
