'It looks wrong and feels worse' – Tim Dowling tests menswear styling techniques

Tim Dowling shoulder robes like a street-style star. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

According to the Guardian’s fashion desk, I could become instantly more fashionable without adjusting my wardrobe, or spending any money. It’s not even about what I’m wearing – it’s about the way I style my clothes. The trick, apparently, is to take my cues from the sort of men who get photographed outside fashion shows. These men - I’ve seen pictures of them - have developed a secret uniform of styling eccentricities: they wear their coats like capes, and go through life sockless. So, here I attempt the top five street-style trends for men this season. All clothes and accessories are, for better or worse, the model’s own.

1. Shoulder-robing

A real-life street-style star during New York fashion week. Photograph: Timur Emek/Getty Images

Putting your coat over your shoulders like a cape isn’t new, but no one used to call it shoulder-robing. The only thing new about it is that apparently it’s no longer stupid.

Tim Dowling tries to nail the shoulder robing look. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

The best thing I can say about shoulder-robing is that size is not an issue, because you are not actually wearing the coat in question. However, as a result, it’s a highly unstable arrangement; when I shoulder-robed my way down to the shops, my coat blew away. Anyway, I think I lack the insouciance required to carry this look off; it looks as if I have broken one of my arms. People hold doors open for you, but that’s about the only benefit I can see.

2. Complex scarf drapery

A street-style star at Paris men’s fashion week: never knowingly underscarved. Photograph: BFA/Rex/Shutterstock

At first, I couldn’t find anything generous enough to replicate this look – you can’t do it with an old QPR scarf – so I ended up using a big pashmina I found in a cupboard. I also struggled to get the right casual draping; I think you want it to look as if the scarf fell out of a tree and landed on you. I ended up somewhere between shawl and bib.

Tim Dowling attempts the complex scarf look. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

3. The man clutch

A street-style star during Milan men’s fashion week, clutch in hand. Photograph: Melodie Jeng/Getty Images

The problem is obvious from the name: I don’t want to have to walk around clutching something all day. I want both hands free – that’s why I have pockets. If my pockets fill up, I have also got a rucksack. I suppose I could keep my clutch bag in there.

Tim Dowling does the man clutch. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

4. Sunglasses in winter

Tim Dowling wearing dark glasses – in winter. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

You see a lot of men outside fashion shows wearing sunglasses and looking at their phones. When I wear sunglasses in winter, I can’t even see my phone. Are there special lenses for this?

5. Naked mankles

Oliver Cheshire, second from left, shows how to do the naked mankle at London Collections Men. Photograph: Tristan Fewings/Getty Images

I understand that wearing brogues without socks is trendy – even, it seems, in winter – but to me it looks wrong and feels worse. I think you are meant to put on little socklets first, but I don’t own any, so I went commando. The trend seems to be to combine this look with rolled trousers, in order to show off as much ankle as possible. Perhaps there’s a general feeling that men’s ankles get better as they go up. Mine are a ghostly white, and still bear indentations from the socks I was wearing all morning. There’s no way I’m going outside like this in February. People will think I don’t own any socks.

Tim Dowling fashion flashes some skin. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian