PHOENIX BLIGHTS
“Waah!” José Mourinho cried. “Waah! Waah! This pre-season is very bad! Waah! Waah! Why is Luke Shaw still here? Waah! Waah! Where’s my £1bn transfer budget? Waah! Waah! How can I be expected to work in these conditions? Waah! Waah! Waah! How come Pep is allowed nice new toys and I’m not allowed any nice new toys? How come I still have to look at my Anthony Martial figurine? It isn’t fair! Waah! Waah! Waah!” On and on he went. Everyone else looked at the floor, hoping the manager of Manchester United would tire himself out, or that someone would tickle his tummy, but the little guy showed no sign of slowing down.
He’s worried, see. Sure, Alexis Sánchez’s American visa has been sorted out. But new £19m signing Diogo Dalot is knacked till September! Paul Pogba, Romelu Lukaku, Marouane Fellaini, Marcus Rashford, Jesse Lingard, Marcos Rojo, Victor Lindelöf, Ashley Young, David de Gea, Nemanja Matic, Fred, Phil Jones, Fred the Red, Sir Bobby Charlton and the Neville brothers are all on holiday! And to top it all off, United’s opening league game against Leicester City has been moved to the Friday night slot by pesky television companies who make Premier League clubs the richest in the world! “The broadcasters were not nice to us,” Mourinho grumbled, stamping his feet and getting the excuses in so early that the only one paying attention was a tea-time email with a deadline to meet.
But luckily for United, Mourinho will find a way to soldier on. “I go to the Premier League without lots of players,” he sighed. “But it is what it is and we have to try and make the best out of it with the players we have here.” Stirring words. Everyone feeling confident? Happy and fulfilled? Not remotely concerned about what tends to happen when Mourinho’s projects head into the third year? Of course not. Everything’s fine! He was just letting off a bit of steam, that’s all. It isn’t easy leading the plucky little underdogs. It’s not like the great expectation management exercise is going to succeed on its own, is it?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have to change it. They play the World Cup, then the Nations League, next summer is the final of the Nations League which is really crazy. Everything is now so important in football and we have to collect their bones afterwards” – Liverpool manager Jürgen Klopp gets stuck in to the demands of international football, before his team jet off to play three pre-season games in the USA! USA!! USA!!!
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
It’s our shiny transfer window interactive.
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“Another great British success! After the government bought a bank on the brink of collapse and managed to sell it for a loss when markets recovered, the FA has managed to outdo them by building a home in London, and selling for a loss. No mean feat, considering that prices in Brent rose 88.5% in the 10 years since Wembley was completed. I know letters in The Fiver often try to be funny, but this whole situation already feel like one big joke, so I won’t bother” – Harry Gilbert.
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“Beautiful to see Jürgen Klopp turning his attention south, as the Reds secured the signature of Alisson. Jennifer, Phillipa and Sue must surely follow, or it’ll be another season of Salah sailing that ship alone” – Johnny Connelly.
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BITS AND BOBS
Roma’s sporting director Monchi insists his club aren’t showing a lack of ambition by cashing in on Alisson. “We weighed up the pros and cons and decided to speak to Liverpool,” he honked. “For me, ambition is about doing the right thing after thinking everything through.”
Maurizio Sarri is hopeful of keeping Eden Hazard and Thibaut Courtois at Chelsea but wants to meet the pair face to face. “A telephone call without looking them in the eyes would not give me any certainty,” he cheered.
New Spain boss Luis Enrique is talkin’ ‘bout an evolution as he looks to turn their fortunes around. “We will look at all cases individually and analyse what is best for the future of the national team,” he tooted.
Bradford City have snapped up 2007’s Next Big Thing Sean Scannell from Huddersfield for an undisclosed fee.
Everton forward Shani Tarashaj has hopped to Grasshoppers Zurich on a season-long loan.
And Aberdeen striker Adam Rooney is now Salford City striker Adam Rooney.
STILL WANT MORE?
The Premier League transfer window closes in three weeks – three weeks! Simon Burnton examines the forthcoming spending spree.
Everton and Barcelona are among the clubs taking a pioneering lead towards equality, reports Louise Taylor.
Paul Pogba in a sombrero, Franco Baresi’s best bits and Him … it can only be this week’s Classic YouTube.
Pre-season friendlies ain’t what they used to be. Steve Brenner reports.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
