Things didn’t get off to the best of starts. The Supreme Leader had wanted to spend the last day of campaigning proving she was at least half alive, only to be largely ignored by everyone at the Southampton bowls club where she had dropped in for a morning cup of tea. “It’s nothing personal,” the club captain told her. “It’s just that no one actually realised you were here.”
Her next stop, in a windowless shed on a Norwich industrial estate, didn’t go a whole lot better. “I believe in Britain,” she said in her trademark Maybot tone that suggested she believed in nothing whatsoever. Behind her, there wasn’t even a flicker of interest on the faces of the few dozen Tory activists who had been press-ganged in as extras. Just a studied resignation.
“There are great things we can do together, you know,” the Maybot continued. There was a pause as she tried to think of what they might be. Nada. Ah well. “Who has got the plan to get on with the plan?” she continued, clearly hoping someone might remind her that it was meant to be her. They didn’t. Instead there was an awkward silence. The Supreme Leader then remembered she had a 12-point plan. Point one was to have a plan. Point two was that point one should be followed by point two. She didn’t get to point three.
The Maybot went to her default settings. She doesn’t have any greatest hits so she has to settle for night-time, middle-of-the-road filler on a local radio station. “Coalition of chaos. Jeremy Corbyn.” The Labour leader’s name was followed by an elaborate grimace. One that was intended to be endearing and personable but merely made her look as if she was experiencing a terrifying power surge. After one of her software engineers had gone round the crowd with a cattle prod, there were eventually a couple of dry laughs.
“One of the best things about this campaign is getting out and meeting people,” the Supreme Leader concluded. It was just a shame the people couldn’t say the same thing about getting out and meeting her.
Luckily there was never going to be any danger of her meeting any real people at her final rally of the campaign, at the conference centre next to Birmingham’s National Motorcycle Museum. Outside, the logo read: “Where legends live on.” It should have added: “And where deadbeats go to die.” The whole cabinet had been forced to make an appearance, many of whom may find themselves out of a job by Friday. Philip Hammond, Liz Truss, Liam Fox and Andrea Leadsom all performed gratuitous acts of self-harm by applauding their own imminent demise.
Boris Johnson came on first. Arms waving, hair askew and with a profound sense of relief that he had some purpose in life after all. He may not be much good as foreign secretary but he makes a half-decent warm-up act. “Do we want Jeremy Corbyn to be the next prime minister?” he said. “Nooo,” everyone cried. The Tory campaign had come down to this. Vote for the Maybot. She may be rubbish, but she’s a bit better than Corbyn. “Please give a warm welcome for our wonderful prime minister.”
It took a while for the Supreme Leader to realise Boris was talking about her, but eventually she bounced up on to the stage, followed by her husband, Philip. That little run seemed to use up all her battery reserves because she spent the next 15 minutes sucking all remaining energy out of the room. There was no sense of euphoria or inspiration. Just relief that the whole thing was coming to an end. Intermittently she would get arbitrary rounds of applause mid-sentence – no one really knew when they were supposed to clap – as she spoke with the same sense of despair as she had done for months. “We have the vision, we have the plan and we have the vision,” she concluded. Though not the vision to know she had already had a vision.
With one last call for everyone to vote on Thursday, the Supreme Leader made her final exit. Next time she had to speak in public, she would almost certainly be prime minister once more. Quite some achievement, she thought to herself. It’s not every politician who can win a general election by being so mediocre. God stand up for Maybots.
