Name: Loneliness.
Age: One day old.
Appearance: A forlorn leaf, trembling alone, crushed by the impossible weight of existence.
Sorry, are you talking about humans here or plants? Plants! Our poor forsaken plants, left all alone, in silent homes, unloved and uncared for.
Is this because I didn’t invite that rhododendron to my birthday party? Don’t make light of this. Plant loneliness is a very real thing, and there’s a wave of it happening right now.
Really? Yes, really. This last year has been amazing for houseplants. Everyone has stayed at home, breathing out loads of delicious carbon dioxide, and creating noise and warmth. Perfect houseplant conditions.
But restrictions have lifted now. That’s right. People are leaving their houses again, and plants will be able to feel their absence. As Prof Denis Murphy of the University of South Wales put it, “It is the vibrations that plants will miss. Plants sense when we speak, but it is the vibration that helps them grow.”
Well, this is a bummer. Wait, I’m not finished. Gardening expert Angela Slater said: “Plants will not fare well in the silence when owners are back at work.”
Oh no, those poor plants. They’re not the only things that will grow lonelier as society reopens. Think of your pets, who were your most faithful companions during lockdown. Now that more offices are open, many are going to be left home alone – with their separation anxiety.
Stop, stop, I can’t bear it. Listen, it’s OK. There are steps we can take …
There are? Of course. If plants are going to miss the vibrations of your voices, why not leave a radio on when you leave for work?
That’s a nice idea. And if they’re missing carbon dioxide, what about giving them a helping hand with extra nutrients and fertiliser?
That’s very thoughtful. And if things are really bad, why not strap a yucca to your chest in a papoose and take it to work?
OK, bit weird. Fine, it may be taking it too far. But we must take loneliness seriously – according to a survey by the Office for National Statistics, an extra 1.1 million people said they felt lonely often or always this year. So we would all do well to try our best to mitigate it wherever possible.
It’s a good job I never get lonely, because I have you. It’s true. Life is better when we have each other. Check in with each other, say hello to your neighbours, call your friends. Tell someone you love them.
Do say: “Leave a radio playing when you leave the house, to keep your plants company.”
Don’t say: “Just whatever you do, don’t request that it plays Isolation by Joy Division.”
