X Factor is a theatre of absolute cruelty (We knew this. But, really ...)
Wow. Welcome to the world of The X Factor (ITV1, Saturday, Sunday) – or, as Cheryl puts it, “the world of Simon Cowell”. It’s a world where when you’re 27, you are in the Middle-Aged category. And where if Simon doesn’t like you, he says: “Well, this is easy” – lazy pause for effect – “no.”
The chairs of doom have seemed particularly cruel this year, with neither audience nor judges coming out of it well. The judges seem indecisive and arbitrarily hurtful in this part of the show, and the audience comes across like something out of The Hunger Games, but less kind. Even Cowell at one stage was saying of the audience: “Can’t they just go away?” Er, no. You created this monster, my friend, and now you live off it.
I’m sure it’s all tricked up and exaggerated for the cameras (like Cowell’s supposed hatred of his category, which is no doubt designed to elicit sympathy votes for his contestants), but the effect on the singers is very real. This is much more brutal than any of the audience rounds. Cowell: “They tell me what to do and then they start booing me.” It’s impossible to believe that Cowell isn’t entirely in control of all this, and that he wouldn’t know exactly who he would choose. Then again, he’s not that good an actor ... Either way, the Six-Chair Challenge is unpleasant. And Judges Houses’ looks even more soul-destroying.
Shock, horror. Strictly needs Brucie back
I never, ever thought I would say this but ... is it possible that I miss Bruce Forsyth? Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1, Saturday) has reached the cosy stage of the competition, perhaps after the excitement of Jay’s amazing jive last week. There are some interesting narratives developing. What’s going to happen to Anton, now that he doesn’t have a dud contestant? Has Jay peaked too early? Can Jamelia turn it around after surviving her early dance-off? Could Jeremy’s legs grow any longer? Will Peter Andre’s “effort vein” on his forehead explode? But somehow there’s something missing. And possibly it’s Brucie. I’m just saying. It might not be. But it could be. Tess and Claudia are great at providing a combination of glamour and laughs. But Bruce did provide a peculiar, old-fashioned light-entertainment quality with his random dancing, rubbery face and bad jokes. Now that we’ve got over the excitement of the launch, the show feels as if it needs something extra to break it up a bit. Bruce is at home on bed rest after a recent fall, but perhaps he can phone a friend. How busy is Ronnie Corbett?
It’s painful to realise how many monarchists there are out there
It’s easy to find your allegiances to Gogglebox (Channel 4, Friday) shifting constantly. On the one hand, it’s a phenomenon like nothing else on television, showing human reactions at their most genuine and intimate. On the other hand, it’s a load of wannabe celebrities hamming it up for the camera while pretending that this is how they behave when they’re just hanging out normally at home (I am looking at you, Steph and Dom – although actually I’m not, because they haven’t been seen much this series). OK, this characterisation is a bit unfair on the Goggleboxers who are natural – such as Scarlett, the Brighton hairdressers and the Siddiqui family. But, still, when the fakery creeps in, it can be distracting and off-putting.
Another problem was showcased this week: Gogglebox reveals uncomfortable truths about the British populace. The toadish faces of servility displayed by absolutely everyone watching the footage of Princes William and Harry, as they did a momentary bit of plastering on DIY SOS, were pitiful. Indeed, this is a nation of forelock-tuggers. But I had hoped that at least on Gogglebox we might find a touch of irreverence. It was not to be.
Never mind the shark, Downton has jumped the ocean’s marine population
For more on Downton Abbey (Sunday, ITV1), see the full review on the blog. But just one more thing, now that it has aired (I watched the preview): there’s no one – but no one – saying that this series is getting better, or that it is any fun at all. Any goodwill that Downton had built up over the years with its staunch defenders is rapidly eroding. This week’s ridiculous bloodbath (dubbed on Twitter “the most entertaining thing that has ever happened”) will not have helped. Forget Lord Grantham’s ulcer. Someone put this thing out of its misery.
