Name: Five Ways to Impress on Your First Day.
Age: Very short-lived.
Appearance: See above … brief.
Some kind of workplace guide? Exactly, published by Reed.
The employment agency? That’s the one. It put out some advice for new employees.
Such as? “Be early/work late,” and “Use your initiative.”
Well that sounds like reasonable advice, if a bit obvious. Hardly worthy of Pass Notes’ attention. What else was in it? Well, there was a section called Don’t Be Yourself.
Very wise. What’s in that? “OK, so we’re sure you’re a very nice person. And no doubt you have many qualities that we would probably like if we got to know you. The point is: your colleagues will have plenty of time to get to know you, so don’t try too hard.”
Again, sound advice. Interesting tone, though. It went on: “Try finding the most popular person in the office, then follow them around for the rest of the day.”
Stalk them, in other words! Probably best not follow them into the toilet. Also, “Get everyone in the office lunch,” and “Laugh at everything.”
I always ask a candidate that question in any job interview: you will buy me lunch, won’t you? And laugh at your jokes.
But this is clearly meant to be humorous. It may not quite be The Thick of It, but it’s still quite funny (for a recruitment agency, at least). Not everyone thought so.
Oh, dear. Who didn’t? People online. “That’s the worst advice I’ve seen,” said one person. “People suck.”
Oh, God. People online suck, more like. What else did they say? “This should be titled: How to Make Sure Everyone Thinks You’re a Serial Killer.”
A bit better. But surely no one took it to-the-letter seriously. And, if they did, they probably didn’t deserve the job in the first place. Well, you’d think it was obvious which bits were supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and there were loads of links to sensible advice, but after the backlash Reed decided to take it down. RIP Five Ways to Impress on Your First Day.
Oh, no. I wondered why it was in the past tense. Maybe they sacked the person responsible for trying too hard.
Do say: “On your first day, punctuality is the key to making a good impression from the get-go.”
Don’t say: “I’m new here, you seem to be well-respected and important. Fancy a quickie in the stationery cupboard?”
