Is this it?

What's new pussycat?

I'm filming a new HBO comedy drama series called 12 Miles Of Bad Road, I play the matriarch of very rich Dallas real estate family, Amelia Shakespeare.

Is there life on mars?

There's life but there is no lifestyle.

Who let the dogs out?

Probably the burglars.

Where's your head at

Well, infamously, I've been losing it on YouTube with David O Russell. All I can say is we're quite friendly. I would work with him again in a minute. I'm sure he regrets his behaviour as I regret mine. I agree with what Dustin Hoffman said about him, that his style was like Jackson Pollock except he was throwing us at the canvas instead of paint. We didn't quite know how we were going to splatter but we figured it would be interesting.

Where's the party?

Wherever it is, it should end up in a hammock.

What's love got to do with it?

If love is the answer can you rephrase the question?

Who's fooling who?

The same people who've been fooling us for the last six years. The monkeys in the Whitehouse.

Who the fuck are the Arctic Monkeys?

Well, they're a pop band and we know they're not bound by the strictest conventions of the English language.

How deep is your love?

It's fairly shallow.

Are you being served?

No, I had to get up and make coffee for myself. I'd like very much to have been served.

Do you believe in magic?

I do. I believe both in the illusion of it and of the mystery of it. There's also the magic of just being part of the species.

Are you a hypnotist?

Yes. I went to this guy years ago to stop smoking - he was an MD and a concert pianist. It worked so I started using him for all kinds of things. But then one day I go in and he says "Ms Tomlin, do you mind if I tell you a joke" and he says, "Two men are walking down the road and they go past a dog scratching and licking his balls. One guy says to the other I wish I could do that and the other guy says well you better make friends with him first." You can imagine my reaction. There's this doctor and he's about to put me under. Needless to say I never returned to his office. I learned self-hypnosis. I heard that to be good at it you need to roll your eyes right back. The thing is you can't see yourself do it in the mirror so I would lie down and take a photo of myself and indeed I could roll them back pretty far. I was in this hotel and I took a Polaroid, it was pretty gruesome looking. I left the photo on the side of the bed and the housekeeper must have reported it because the whole time I was there they were asking, "Is everything alright, is anybody bothering you?"

What lies beneath?

Davy Jones I guess.

What difference does it make?

Well, in the long run it doesn't make much difference to you because you won't be here, but I guess it could make a good difference to those that come after.