A lively week in the reality formats, as ’Allo ’Allo! legend Vicki Michelle is hospitalised after being caught in the crossfire of an on-air brawl on Celebrity Big Brother’s Bit on the Side. And police charge another reality TV personage with attacking Sinitta with a napkin.
The latter incident took place in a sushi restaurant in London’s appalled Belgravia and, according to reports, saw Real Housewives of Cheshire operative Dawn Ward discharge a napkin in the face of X Factor spare part Sinitta, after the pair met for what are described as “peace talks”. A trial date has been set for 2 February next year at City of London magistrates.
Over at Elstree Studios, meanwhile, another force was called to investigate a fight between panellists on the Celebrity Big Brother discussion show. I don’t know if you’ve seen the legendary saloon-bar brawl from Dodge City, but those aforementioned panellists were former porn star Jenna Jameson, former Big Brother contestant Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, former model and former Celebrity Big Brother contestant Janice Dickinson, former ’Allo ’Allo! star and former I’m a Celebrity contestant Michelle, and former Teen Mom star and former Celebrity Big Brother contestant Farrah Abraham.
So when I tell you that Jameson blames it on that “whacked-out hasbeen”, you’ll understand how that doesn’t exactly clear things up. None of it seems to have been the fault of Michelle, however, who was injured by a flying champagne glass and, after a trip to A&E, has vowed to press charges.
Could this get any less edifying? Yes, is the answer. It was barely minutes after Michelle announced this that Lost in Showbiz received a press release from a certain firm of ambulance-chasing lawyers, whose name we shall obscure to spare them the publicity. “The guys at [name redacted] can provide a comment,” this tempted, “on how much she could be owed for post-traumatic stress, how much Vicki could be owed if she was blinded or suffered a minor eye injury.”
Thanking you, ambulance chasers. What an exciting cultural moment we have reached when lawyers are encouraging celebrity guests to think in terms of the sort of emotional damage one might incur in a war zone. Whether Help for Heroes should consider allocating a portion of its funds to people returning from tours of the reality spin-off shows is sure to be a hot topic in weeks to come. For now, Lost in Showbiz has but one thing to say to the Vickis and Sinittas of this world: thank you for your service.
