Name: The Kennel Club.
Age: 142.
Appearance: A bastion of pure-blooded refinement … until now.
Until now? Whatever does that mean? You might want to sit down for this. The Kennel Club could be about to recognise crossbreeds on its breed register.
What? This is an outrage! I fully agree. The world is a crazy, mixed-up place sometimes, and the only comfort is that the Kennel Club can trace the ancestry of my pedigree spaniel back for a handful of generations.
And now that’s changing? Sort of. For the first time in its history, the Kennel Club is debating whether or not to expand a registry of selected crossbreeds to accompany its detailed pedigree registry.
But I’m a member of the Kennel Club specifically because it doesn’t let in mongrels. Me too. Mongrels are cute, and the Kennel Club is no place for cute animals. It’s a place for weird-looking inbred dogs that cost as much as a house and have stupid names and are riddled with hundreds of genuinely debilitating congenital defects.
Could this be why it is doing it? To counter the inbreeding that has tainted the reputation of the organisation? It’s a possibility. All the Kennel Club representatives are very keen to stress the importance of health.
Oh God, it’s going to be a free-for-all. Maybe not. According to all the reports so far, the Kennel Club is only planning to expand its doors to accommodate designer dogs.
What’s the difference between a mongrel and a designer dog? A mongrel is a dog made of more than one breed. A designer dog is a dog made of more than one breed and owned by a celebrity.
I’m not sure I follow. Trendy crossbreeds tend to include labradoodles (owner: Jennifer Aniston) or maltipoos (owner: Rita Ora) or puggles (owner: Jake Gyllenhaal).
Right, so not any old dog will do? The Kennel Club is still in early stages of discussion, but it seems unlikely that you will be able to sneak into its good books by inventing an alsamatian (alsatian/dalmatian) or a dorgi (doberman/corgi).
Fine. What about a roxer? A cross between a rottweiler and a boxer? Yes, that sounds like something an X Factor judge would own. You’re in.
Do say: “If anything can get Crufts back on the BBC, it’s a cockapoo.”
Don’t say: “Maybe we should start something similar with the royal family.”
