Name: Megan Ellison.
Age: 27.
Appearance: Essentially an Oscar statue in human form.
Glittery? Prestigious? Bald? Yes, yes and – barring any elaborately secretive wigwork that has previously gone unnoticed – no.
Why else, then? Works in movies? Made of gold? Right on both counts. Megan Ellison is Hollywood's newest darling. She has been touted as the "new Harvey Weinstein" for a couple of years now, but this week her status was confirmed: films she produced and financed were nominated for a staggering 17 Academy Awards.
Oh really? Which are hers? American Hustle, Her and The Grandmaster. And in previous years, movies such as Zero Dark Thirty, The Master and True Grit.
A woman of impeccable taste! What's her secret? She has two. First, an eye for ostensibly uncommercial work by acclaimed directors.
The second? She's LOADED.
Aha! I knew it. Megan's father is Larry Ellison, recently named as the third richest man in the US.
So this is just the story of a little rich girl playing at being a bigshot producer? Don't be daft. On top of all the critical acclaim, her films have made almost $300m at the box office. And at least she's doing something worthwhile.
What would you do if your dad was a billionaire? Sit on your bum all day eating gold-crusted pizza? Well, yeah. But not the Ellisons. Even Megan's brother David is in on the act. He's produced films such as Jack Reacher and GI Joe: Retaliation.
And how many Oscars were they nominated for? Oh, shush. My point is that 2013 was an incredible year for movies, and a lot of that is down to Megan's discerning tastes and deep pockets.
Sincere congratulations to her, then. What's her next film? Terminator 5.
A three-hour, arthouse meditation on society's changing relationship with euthanasia, directed by Abdellatif Kechiche from a recently discovered screenplay by David Foster Wallace? No, a film about Arnold Schwarzenegger punching loads of stuff.
That sounds amazing. I know.
Do say: "I've had a great idea for a film, Megan …"
Don't say: "… it's a remake of Digby, The Biggest Dog in the World, starring Adam Sandler and a fat monkey."
