Name: Lego.
Age: 65.
Appearance: A rectangular, colourful tool of pure evil, as designed by Lord Satan himself.
Oh dear. More of a Duplo fan? This is no time for petty frivolity, you abominable heathen.
Would I be right in thinking you've just walked across a carpet of loose bricks without any shoes on? No. Well, yes. But also there is the fact that Lego is unquestionably nefarious and will not stop until the Earth is shrouded in darkness, and rivers boil with animal blood.
I'm starting to worry about you. It's not just me. A Polish priest named Father Slawomir Kostrzewa has got my back. He's just claimed that Lego is all about "darkness and the world of death".
Right. We're talking about the same Lego here, right? Plastic? Interlocking? Happy little yellow-faced men grinning at everything, despite their tragic lack of knees? Kostrzewa was specifically referring to Lego's Monster Fighters and Zombie series.
OK, so this isn't so much "A priest hates Lego" as "A priest hates monsters and zombies". That makes much more sense. No, it's Lego he hates. Specifically how the company has designed its monsters to have expressions that show "satisfaction with their evil deeds". If children play with Lego, he says, it will "destroy their souls and lead them to the dark side".
That's absurd. Is it? Wasn't the subtext of the recent Lego Movie that Lego, when used incorrectly, is an aggressive tool for promoting conformity and obedience?
Isn't that the subtext of all organised religion, too? Right, that's it. You're definitely going to hell now. You'll hate it there. Lego bricks as far as the eye can see down there. Rivers of Lego bricks. Millions of tormented souls, all making nightmarish multicoloured houses and cars.
That actually sounds like fun. You would say that, you heathen.
Hang on a minute. I recognise the name Slawomir Kostrzewa. Didn't he have a problem with My Little Pony at one point, too? Yes. He called it a "carrier of death".
Well, I suppose he does have a point there. See? He's a sensible man.
Do say: "In all honesty, Lego probably isn't evil."
Don't say: "Calling them 'Legos', though? Now that's evil."
