So you want your Artificial Intelligence to be more human? Say no more, we’ve made it more surly, snarky, shifty... Meet your new bots.
Search engine: Seriously, am I the only one who has to remember where everything is? You spend half your life searching for something — go get checked for early onset memory loss. Here, 5,77,239 results. Great, you’ve misspelt the key word ‘mammary search’? Now, we’ll have to do it all again! Phew!
Photo app: You really think that pouty duck-face is going to make your cheekbones stick out? Like 33 different selfie angles with filters will help! Ha! Excuse me! Do not call me rude. Just having a bad hair day. Not you. Me! Like everything is about you.
Food delivery app: Gorgeous profile pic, but your face looks sooo thin! Your cheeks are all sucked in. Must be those stupid diets. Come on now, order extra cheese, fries and fudge brownies. Yay, that’s better!
Shopping website: Not judging, but you really think you’ll get into that M size? After all that you ordered on the food app last night. Yes, of course, we talk about you behind your back. What were you thinking ordering fudge? But lucky for you, we go up to XXXL sizes — just saying. Aren’t you feeling better already?
Messaging service: Pssst, haven’t you been messaging this number a little too often lately? Anything we should know about? Or that your spouse should know about? Not that we will mention it of course, we have the strictest security protocols for gossip, erm, information…
Internet banking: Sorry, but refreshing your page every 10 minutes won’t magically change your bank balance. Remember that online buying frenzy? And how will you pay for a medical emergency? With skinny jeans? Wait, let us send some insurance guys your way. Don’t worry,, sweet chaps.
Insurance ad: OMG, you haven’t insured against X,Y or Z? You are totally going to die! *Only of X,Y or Z! And then what will your poor dependents do? Don’t you love them? Don’t cry,, we’ve already mailed you the relevant forms. We’re sweet chaps that way.
Fitness app: I know you cheated last night. Extra fries! How do you think that makes me feel? Come back later when you’re done flirting with those other apps and are serious about me.
Job portal: Not our fault we couldn’t find you a job. We’ve been working hard at it day and night, but we’re only human. We will not only get you a job, but plan for your retirement too. We’ll send our partners, the insurance guys, over. Sweet chaps!
Digital advertising: We see you’re buried in something important, so here are a few pop-ups just to annoy you. The most alarming diseases you may not know you have!!! With gross pictures! Go on, click. Now, here are five glamorous filmstars caught in private moments. Gotcha! If you liked that, you will like…
Where Jane De Suza, author of Flyaway Boy, pokes her nose into our perfect lives.
