I have been with my boyfriend for five years, but am not sexually attracted to him. Even thinking about sex with him repulses me. The last time we were intimate, a thought went through my mind that it felt like I was having sex with my brother, and I was really disturbed. I have episodes of mild-to-moderate depression, but I don’t know if my relationship is the primary cause of my stress, or vice versa.
Stress and depression are known to have a detrimental effect on sexual interest, but they are unlikely to cause actual repulsion. Your strong feelings of distaste are more likely to be caused by love than hatred.
Although “closeness” is generally considered a positive relationship attribute, some partners are just too close. If a couple gets to the stage where they do everything together, where each tends to know what the other is thinking, then their sexual connection can suffer. When a partner feels too much like a member of one’s family, the incest taboo is engaged in one’s psyche, which can create a strong aversion to sex.
This problem can often be corrected by achieving a greater level of individuation within your relationship. Paradoxically, spending time engaged in separate activities, and interacting with others without one’s mate can help. The best sex is usually enjoyed by partners who are individuals within a strong and bonded relationship.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments).
