MOVING TO AFCON 31
The Fiver’s African cousin, One Person for a Vast and Varied Continent Fiver, is sick of comically inept goalkeeping, naive defending, barmy superstitions, squabbles over money and interference by evil tyrants intent on hijacking sport to launder their reputations and dupe the masses. So oh, how he needs a break from the Premier League.
Fortunately for the Fiver’s African cousin, to whom, for the sake of convenience, we will henceforth refer by his affectionate nickname, Token Representative, three weeks of blessed relief are about to get under way thanks to kick-off in the latest Africa Cup of Nations. This will be the 31st edition of a tournament that was first held in 1957, when it inspired Europeans to arrange a glorified imitation, and this one looks the most competitive yet. Of the 16 countries to have reached the finals the Fiver has heard of at least 12, and DR Congo has a familiar ring to it too, but we can’t remember whether that’s because he’s the guy who once treated us for a nasty dose of Purple Tinnitus.
Some of the world’s best players, and Wilfried Bony, will be in action, starting in the very first match, when Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang’s Gabon will aim to put down one of the continent’s tiniest underdogs, Guinea-Bissau, about whom so little is known that the first question that was put to their coaching staff at Friday’s pre-match press conference was: “which one’s the manager?” The answer to that, according to Fifa’s website, is Wee Gordon Strachan. No, sorry, our mistake, he’s in charge of the team ranked 67th in the world, whereas Guinea-Bissau are ranked 68th and led by Baciro Candé. But those positions could easily be reversed if Candé and Wee Gordon are allowed to continue working their magic.
Although Gabon are heavy favourites to beat their first lowly opponents, their captain is unlikely to end the tournament lifting the trophy so might as well mark any victory on Saturday with a slurred piano performance at a random wedding. At least eight countries have more realistic chances of being crowned champions, even the one managed by Avram Grant. That is Ghana, for now, but Ivory Coast, Egypt, Algeria and Senegal all look more probable victors. The last of those begin their campaign on Sunday night, by which time the sight of Sadio Mané running through opposing defences will bring either joy or wistful tears to the eyes of Liverpool fans returning from Old Trafford.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s not uncommon that a manager will stop an XI v XI training session to sort out tactics. Some players find that boring because they just want to play five-a-side, 100 miles an hour” – Newcastle’s Jack Colback gives Rafa Benítez’s training methods a glowing endorsement.
FIVER LETTERS
“[Fiver letters passim] Bottom of the table managers saying they and their teams need to get their heads down and work hard. Presumably if they raised their heads, looked at someone decent, and copied them, they might not be at the bottom of the table” – Craig Fawcett.
“Interviewed players are constantly telling us how an experience was ‘surreal’, on the incorrect assumption that surrealism is concerned with surprising things occurring [in fact it is to do with the potential of the unconscious mind etc etc]. It’s nice to know that our Premier League heroes today are reading the works of Andre Breton and admiring the paintings of Salvador Dali but they need to understand it better. This is not just footballers of course, it’s a constant refrain in the media, and I suppose an example of football reflecting society as a whole. Perhaps we will shortly see a rush of Dali works being bought in China” – Nick Cox.
“Any pundit who refers to a player in the plural [‘your Rooneys, your Özils’ etc] needs a good hoof in the clacker bag. Best punditry ever was Garth Crooks and Terry Venables on a World Cup game many beards ago. Terry made some sparkling observation about the lack of goal threat or whatever. Cue Garth Crooks with ‘I’m right in your slipstream there Tel’. What can you say? The man’s a class act” – Peter Gowing.
“Re Doug Anderson’s kit trauma [yesterday’s Fiver letters], I too have been forced to don a kit based on that of hated rivals. At school in Nottingham our football coach was a Derby fan and took the opportunity to source us a new kit. This took the school’s traditional black and white hooped shirts and knowingly bastardised it to become a plain white shirt & black shorts combination. Being a Forest fan explains why, almost 20 years later, I still shudder at the thought of wearing it” – Bill Iliffe
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Peter Gowing.
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BITS AND BOBS
Lyon coach, Bruno Génésio, is mad about Memphis … but José isn’t as mad as Jürgen. Just another day at the Theatre of Dreams.
Bojan is set to swap Stoke for Middlesbrough in an £8m deal that could kick-start a mediocre transfer merry-go-round, with Stewart Downing, Jeffrey Schlupp and Saido Berahino all on board.
After 11 months and 152 minutes of football at Everton, £13.5m man Oumar Niasse is off on loan to Hull City, who have also signed Porto midfielder Evandro. Passing them on the M62 is Robert Snodgrass, who has turned down the obscene riches of China in favour of the obscene riches of the Premier League, with West Ham and Boro leading the chase.
Champions League winner and social media sensation Patrice Evra could become Sam Allardyce’s first signing at Crystal Palace.
Real Madrid are just the 40 games unbeaten in all competitions after toying with Sevilla before Karim Benzema’s injury-time equaliser in the Copa del Rey.
Arsène Wenger left a bucket in the garage of his Totteridge mansion overnight, in order to pour ice cold water over rumours that Mesut Özil’s Arsenal future is bound to his own. “It is part of it, but it’s not the only thing… I’m very relaxed about the situation,” Wenger chuckled.
Chelsea manager Antonio Conte has been named the Premier League’s Manager of the Month for the third month running – the first boss to win three in a row. Zlatan Ibrahimovic took the Player of the Month gong, only the second Manchester United player to do so since 2013. “I conquered England - it took three months” muttered the retiring Swede.
STILL WANT MORE?
Transfer window watch! Get all the latest news and moves from the Premier League, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga and Ligue 1. And you can also sign up to get updates via FaceSpace MessageApp, or whatever.
TNS’s Craig Harrison tells Stuart James about his journey from a horrific playing career-ending injury to masterminding a world record winning sequence that surpasses that of one of the game’s greatest teams. ‘People started talking about Ajax in the 1970s and Johan Cruyff, it was surreal’ he yelps. Read why they’re dancing in the streets of The New Saints.
Remember José Cardozo scoring for Toluca against América in 2003? Luckily for you Rob Smyth does, and he’s given it the Golden Goal treatment. Enjoy.
Fiorentina v Juventus: a rivalry stoked by ‘theft’, Roberto Baggio and machine guns. Luca Hodges-Ramon has more.
Ten things to look forward to this weekend: will Manchester United and Liverpool offer us a super scintillating Sunday better than the miserable Monday they inflicted on us back in October? Can Allardyce put one over his former club Taxpayer FC? Who will cope best with Africa Cup of Nations absences? Read more here.
New York City FC and Manchester City like to boast that they are separate entities, but how autonomous are they really, ponders Graham Ruthven.
You can read lovely tributes to Graham Taylor from Simon Burnton here, and former Villa midfielder Gordon Cowans here.
