It turns out the one thing money can’t buy when you have put a meandering, fish-filled river in the dining room of your mega-mansion is the guarantee of dry feet.
“Oops,” cries billionaire John Caudwell, losing his balance and teetering on a stepping stone as he reaches for the light switch.
“I haven’t fallen in yet,” he says, quickly balancing himself as shoals of rainbow-coloured Malawi cichlids scarper under the dining table.
Er, have others?
“Yes,” he admits. “A couple of people have fallen in. Fortunately, most of my friends aren’t really drinkers – if they don’t drink so much they’re not going to fall in the pond.” This is the 67-year-old Phones 4u tycoon’s favourite room within the £250million Mayfair residence he has recently re-furbished at a cost of £65million.
I am on a mind-boggling personal tour of his 43,000 sq ft, eight-floor, 15-bedroom, London home, complete with underground eight-stack car port, which is believed to be Britain’s most expensive house.
And, even though there’s a gilded ballroom downstairs, this dining room is arguably the showstopper.
How could it not be when, floating dreamily above the water, is a 15ft preserved tree trunk crowned with silk cherry blossom, and golden lizards are climbing the wall.
Although interior designers, including Real Housewives star Dawn Ward, did most of the work, the river was John’s idea, as was the lava-inspired wall running the length of the subterranean swimming pool and sauna (pricetag £200,000).
I was ready not to particularly take to the moneyman behind the opulence, but the fact that he calls the extravagant indoor stream a “pond” is a likeable sign that he hasn’t left his roots in Stoke-on-Trent.
He tells me: “I grew up in a terrace, we took the metal bath off the wall outside, carried it in and put it by the fire, and I was allowed one kettle-full of water.
“John then, wouldn’t have been able to comprehend this house in his wildest dreams.”
My tour had not got off to the best of starts.
Stepping into the palatial hall, I was informed it was a “no shoes house”. Which led to me standing before a billionaire beneath crystal chandeliers, with my big toes poking out of holes in my tights.
Thankfully, he took pity on me, and the boots went back on.
For four years, John’s 300-strong team has been doing up the 1880s mansion, actually, two joined together, one of them once owned by the Sultan of Brunei’s brother. We begin in the ballroom, which holds 120 people and where the gold leaf alone cost £28,000.
It was key to John buying this place. Since selling Phones 4u for £1.5billion in 2006, John has been dedicated to philanthropy, fundraising for seriously ill and disabled children through his charity Caudwell Children, and for research into Lyme disease, which affects himself and his family.
He has pledged to give 70% of his wealth away when he dies – although his five kids won’t be left too hard up.
Today, he insists the prime use of this property is as a “lure” for A-list donors. He admits he is no Elton John, “who gets everyone to his ball”.
He says: “Having a home like this that everyone on the planet wants to visit, even the rich, it’s an asset that helps. Princess Beatrice came one day to have a look and see me.
“She walked in – and it really tickled me. She said, ‘Oh, my gosh I’ve never seen anything like it’. I chuckled and said, ‘No, of course you haven’t’.”
John and his partner Modesta Vzesniauskaite, 36, a former Olympic cyclist from Lithuania, have relatively modest private quarters.
He gives me a glimpse of a very white kitchen with two staff members lingering, and a lounge with plain sofas. Their quarters do open on to the river-filled dining room and the couple also have an “entertainment room” in the basement, with mirrored dancefloor, a bar, velvet booths, and a pair of gold, transgender nudes.
He likes “thought-provoking” art and has a butterfly-covered AK-47 rifle in the ballroom.
He says: “Modesta and I did come down once just us, turned the music up loud and had a dance.
“This is not just opulence to spoil myself. It’s hugely profitable, and everything I do has to have a profit on it.”
Britain’s Most Expensive Home: Building for a Billionaire, is on tomorrow night, Channel 4, 9pm.
