Wales is in the midst of an epidemic.
It can strike anyone, of any age, and all the figures show it is getting worse.
It is not a disease. It is not a condition. It is a perfectly normal, everyday human emotion that everyone will feel at points in their life.
Loneliness.
Historically “loneliness” was seen as the domain of the widowed elderly, the awkward misfits, the hermits, the have-nots.
People isolated by mobility, mental health or destitution.
In 2019 the picture is very different. And that is not to underplay those issues. Not to ignore the elderly, the poor, those crippled by social anxiety.
But loneliness is spreading throughout society.
We need to talk about loneliness.
The people in this article are all perfectly functioning adults with careers and friends.
They are all different ages and backgrounds but they have bravely shared their stories to spotlight the hidden epidemic in Wales.
Jon's story
Jon Kissack, 52, moved to the Welsh capital with his husband Chris in 2015. They had been together 18 years when Chris died, leaving Jon alone in the city.
"Chris was from the Valleys, Nelson to be exact, and we always thought when it came to retiring we would leave London and move to Cardiff.
"However in 2013 Chris had a triple bypass operation that went catastrophically wrong. Although he survived what should have been a fairly routine operation - he came out of intensive care having totally lost his kidney function. After that Chris had to have dialysis four hours a day, every other day and couldnt continue to work.
"We sped up the retirement plan and sold our flat in London and bought a rundown terrace in Cardiff.
"Our routine fell into me working, Chris dialysing and every Saturday and Sunday working on renovating the house. We had no time to meet people and be social as Chris had very little energy.
"Chris was on a strict one litre of liquid intake in any 24 hr period and a strict diet, it really stopped any form of socialising, pubs, restaurants etc.
"We never developed any network of friends. Devastatingly Chris died in July last year. We’d been together 18 years."
Along with the pain of losing the man he loved and had spend the last two decades with, Jon was also left in a city without social network around him.
His friends are in London but can't bring himself to sell the home he and Chris built together.
"I threw myself into work, and I continued to renovate the house which I finished recently," said Jon.
"Now what do I do? My job is in London, my friends are in London. The easy option would be to sell and try to move back to London.
"However we put our heart and soul into the house we have renovated,and every tile, brick or stone is infused with Chris so the idea of moving is too painful. And I do love Cardiff - its a wonderful city.
"So I am stuck in a hard place. I have friends that I can call in London, I have to travel every week or so up to London so I get a 'friend fix' - but I have no one here in Cardiff to call up and have a chat, go for a beer with and at 52 to the idea of trying to make friends is daunting, almost insurmountable."
Kate's story
Statistics from The Young Women’s Trust show that almost a third in mothers aged 18-30 have feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Despite having 24/7 contact with their little one, simple adult interaction can be hard to come by.
Kate Elkins is a 31-year-old secondary school teacher in Cardiff. She is originally from Neath, but moved to the Welsh capital for work and is currently on maternity leave with her first children - twin boys!
Kate is warm, friendly and articulate. But she explains how the change from busy career to motherhood is quite isolating, despite her having a wide circle of friends.
She said: "I’m a new, young-ish mum to twins so am currently on maternity leave and have never felt so isolated in my whole life.
"I’ve got lots of friends (the majority of whom still live in Neath) and up until my twins were born last September, I used to spend my working day alongside hundreds of colleagues, pupils and parents.
"However, I now go for more than ten hours a day without seeing or speaking to anybody at all - aside from my five month old boys who haven’t quite mastered the art of conversation yet.
"I genuinely pity the first person who speaks to me after I have spent a long day changing nappies and singing nursery rhymes as I probably stun them with talk!
"In hindsight, maternity leave sounded so appealing - a whole year off work to spend with your babies! Other mums made it look like a special, wholesome time filled with coffee shop dates and days out at the park.
"However, the truth is is that it is an incredibly lonely time and the sense that you have been abandoned with two small babies and simply forgotten about is frequent and often overwhelming.
"Having grown up in a small part of Neath, there was very much a sense of community.
"There were always familiar faces in the town centre and family lived close by. However, city life, for me anyway, is very far from this."
Yvette's story
One of the easiest time to make friends is at university.
By graduation you have cemented lifelong friendships, but however strong, they can erode with time.
Yvette Amos, 33, moved to the then university at Uwic to study English and popular culture.
"I have found that friends I have made in Cardiff have moved to different cities and countries for work," she said.
"Approaching my mid 30s now, I can certainly relate to the feelings of loneliness, and not knowing how to make real, lasting connections - real friendships, I guess.
"While Cardiff is a wonderful, diverse, and friendly place, easy to get chatting to all manner of people; I do find that it’s the sort of place (like many cities) where people move on to other places, and other things, as quickly as they come in.
"Many of my friends also have moved to other countries, or to other parts of the UK, and it truly has left a hole in my life, where that sociability and connection used to be.
"Whilst also being tricky to make trusting relationships with individuals, I feel while the world is very global (and as you say) connected, I don’t feel a sense of community much.
"I do feel as if for the most part, a single entity, moving alone, no matter how big the crowd in this quaint city.
"I wonder indeed (outside of the local boozers!) how we can hope to have a sense of healthy community connection in the future. I suppose once it was a local place of worship, or perhaps family run store?"
It isn't easy to admit this but I am lonely | Will Hayward
Daniel's story
University might be held up as the most social time of you life, but it is perfectly possible to feel alone while there.
Distance from home, pressure to "make the most of it" and more time on the web can all contribute to that feeling of loneliness.
Daniel McCarthy, 22, is studying aircraft maintenance at USW in Treforest. He is happy to spend time by himself, and even actively seeks it sometimes, however he also identifies as lonely.
He said: "I consider myself to be a social person, especially in my workplace, which is dependent on frequent human interaction.
"However I know I also need time to myself, as I have done for the majority of my childhood, due to various personal quirks.
"But finding that balance between time for oneself and spending time with others is a fine balancing act, leading to, more often than not, a feeling of loneliness.
"This is occasionally true even when I am in the company of one or more people. It is a hard feeling to describe.
"I firmly believe we are the most connected, yet loneliest generation that has walked this Earth.
"Especially now people are more focused on image on social media they forget how to have a meaningful life with the people they know."
Kevin's story
When a relationship ends there is a big gap to fill. Time you spent with that person now has to be filled by something else.
Originally from Aberdare, Kevin Baker, 35, now lives in Ystrad Mynach. He moved there for a relationship which later ended.
"I was with my ex for eight and a half years," said Kevin who works for a Welsh council.
"The boys I had grown up in school with ave moved away to places like London and Madrid.
"There is a tight community in Aberdare. You feel like the local pub is a focal point.
"Loneliness crept up on me really. It is an issue that is slowly becoming an epidemic amongst young people and I do believe it’s not being helped by social media, which is why I decided last week to remove Facebook from my life.
"I have a good job, talk to people everyday in work, yet get home and there are days where I don’t have a decent conversation with others.
"I didn’t realise it was having an impact on my life until it contributed to the collapse of my previous relationship.
"Social media is a factor. I think things probably changed with the invention of smart phones, where messaging has become so easy.
"Back in the day it was easier just to pick up the phone and speak to someone or even better arrange to meet up and have a conversation.
"It is sad now when you jump on public transport, attend training, go to concert etc, everyone is head down and on the phone.
"I am guilty of it too and it is all a bit sad.
"It’s like having a conversation with a stranger is weird these days!
"Life in many ways was simpler before smart phones and yet how do we live without them now, everything can be done with a few clicks."
Since then Kevin literally ran himself out of loneliness and wants to tell people who are in a similar position to what he was - the is light at the end of the tunnel.
He said: "I joined a running club and a triathlon club. I have just started cross fit and will be doing a half Ironman in the summer. I have also reconnected with a lot of the boys from school.
"I hope people read this and know they can feel better. I just went to things and joined them on my own. People feel like they can’t do this but they can."
Charlotte's story
Charlotte Griffiths, 25, works in marketing in Cardiff.
After graduating from university she moved back in with mum and dad.
"My friends had gradually moved away for work. It had been happening for a while and suddenly I was like ‘oh crap’!
"At that time I was saving for a flat deposit so couldn’t afford to actually go out either.
"I was living with my parents and it is really hard in to meet people in the area.
"I joined a drama group and, looking back, it was the only thing keeping me going.
"My brother left uni, got a good job and had a partner so it was really hard with the comparison."
To combat this she moved back to Cardiff last summer and starting using the app Meetup to make new friends.
"As one of the only single people in the group I often find my weekends are spent in the house not speaking to anyone all day.
"In terms of dating, that’s going nowhere.
"I met a lovely group of people (on the app) but can’t always afford to go out as I’m in the process of buying a flat which all my spare money is going towards.
"People put stuff up on the app like 'shall we go ice skating?' It is all people in the 20s and 30s in similar situations.
"Social media shows only the best parts of everyone’s lives and it’s hard to not compare yourself.
"But I am in a much better situation now than I was in 2017, which I would say was the peak of my loneliness."
