Dear me, I am terribly confused. Still intrigued and curious and a bit thrilled (only a bit) and wanting to know what happens next (just about). But confused. I don’t want to mention the dreadful DA words (whisper it – Downton Abbey) in this hallowed, unpolluted space. It would be like saying the C word in a church. Or calling Cynthia common to her face. But I fear Downton Abbey has influenced this series too much and it has become super-soapy, too episodic, and jumping all over the place – while missing the one thing we really want to see. Or two things, really. I mean, where are the Maharajah and Phyllis/Sirene to liven things up? Come on, casting department, get your money’s worth.
This was a strange episode. Some cracking moments (especially “gobble, gobble, gobble” – as long as you hadn’t just eaten your tea), but some brow-furrowing scenes too. This whole thing has been about the buildup to Ralphie finding out the truth about his parentage. “With Reggie? Oh, love. Did you never think?” So Ralphie is Cynthia’s husband’s son? I was not expecting this. I assumed she herself was somehow his secret mother. (Is she? Is that still possible?) And I thought Cynthia hated Reggie. Why is she living through Ralphie, then? Or is this a long game for her to get revenge on Reggie through Ralphie? Or is Ralphie her one stab at respectability after Reggie took it away from her? As I say, I’m confused. I give up.
Meanwhile, with Leena in prison, Operation Adam went into overdrive. At least until Cynthia was able to, er, take things in hand and, er, work on Lord Hawthorne. Who needs a justice system when you have Cynthia? She is a one-woman judge and jury – they might as well make her the empress of India. She’s got the wardrobe for it. As for Leena, I can’t help feeling this isn’t the last we’ve seen of her. I hope she finds something else to wear in prison besides the gold dress from the fashion show. It’s going to get ruined.
I like the tension that is building around the “secret” (is it really a secret to anyone?) relationship between Alice and Aafrin’s buttocks. When you’re with Aafrin the earth always moves. But this time they really went to town, as my mother likes to say. And now heart-attack-prone Papi is brandishing the incriminating book of pencil portraits! “Did I give you too much freedom?” Aafrin has been too friendly to the west and shown too much love (and buttock) to the bookshelf. I rather liked this pseudo-Shakespeare scene. “Is this my boy I see before me ...” (I paraphrase). But despite these lengthy, erudite explanations, Aafrin’s motives are still mysterious. Are we supposed to think he is choosing between Bonkers Naresh and Alice? Come on.
In happier news, I love the white pantsuit of the Boring American Lady (Madeleine). And in a shock move, I have developed a soft spot for the nasally compromised Mr Khan. Poor Mr Khan. He wanders around in his neatly pressed suit, hoping to catch Sooni’s eye and speaking his beautiful English, and things never turn out well for him. Let’s have a happy ending for Mr Khan. If it’s good enough for Lord Hawthorne … (Sorry.)
Political shenanigans
This episode was gobbled up – yes, we’re going there – with “personal politics” (let’s call it that), so we didn’t see much of the bigger picture. But what’s this? How is Bonkers Naresh still alive and reciting Bengali poetry? He and Charlie should form a League of Psychopaths. It’s time to light the fuse and blow everyone to kingdom come, including the lords and ladies! But whether Aafrin is ready or not (and he is definitely not ready), I think we might be seeing some dynamite action next week. I hope Bonkers Naresh has some time left over to groom his moustache.
Evil Britisher of the week
Mr Charlie all the way, yet again. And – oh dear God – he’s got his hands on the scissors, and now Percy looks like a badly shorn sheep. This may be Mr Charlie’s most barbaric act yet. Is there any clearer message that he’d scalp his own son just to annoy Alice? “Word of advice: take a bath. You smell rather like my breakfast.” Kill him, Muddle. Kill him! Wowzers. She did it. “Would you mind awfully going upstairs for a minute?” I can’t bear this. Is this really appropriate? I know it’s Channel 4, but really. I felt sorry for Blake Ritson (Charlie) because this was a horrible scene to act. But he did it brilliantly, and then it wasn’t as bad as we feared. And Alice has put her nice black dress on, the one from the fashion show. And Ralphie’s coming to save the day. Eventually someone is going to have to kill Mr Charlie. I am hoping it will be badly shorn Percy.
Julie Walters fan club
Goodness. This calls for a triple measure of gin to steady the stomach. Gobble, gobble indeed. And barely had she removed her white gloves and finished with Hawthorne than Ralphie was whacking her across the face and messing up her Marcel wave. What an episode for Cynthia.
I loved the primitive vinegar-spiked skin medicine: “Maybe it was more of a glug. It was good enough for our Lord on the cross … Would you look at the state of my lawn?” The perfect attitude towards the Baby-Faced Scot, too. “Bugger off back to your pointless wives and unspeakable hygiene.” And I adored her relish at saying “up” to Lord Hawthorne. And great protection of Alice: “He’s better equipped than Kaiser’s kitchen.” (Do Ralphie and Alice have the same father do we know?) As for the scene with “Edward”... well, let’s just say that Cynthia’s bedside manner is second to none. Bravo, Julie. Bravo, Cynthia.
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