FROM RUSSIA WITH, ERM
With only three months left until the big Ethics World Cup kick-off, The Fiver thought it was high time we checked in with our Stolichnaya-drinking, Cossack-dancing, Lada-driving, interweb-hacking, alleged-election-meddling, former Gulag-dwelling Russian cousin, Valery Aleksandr Rasputin Fiverski, to see how the hosts are shaping up. We couldn’t get through to him so tried his former PE teacher, who works at the Russian embassy, but all we got there were the indecipherable and stressed yelps of a secretary and the distant gnawing sound of a hungry shredder.
So it was with a heavy heart that we did our own research instead. Russia’s form since last June reads: LLWDLDL. And that W only came courtesy of South Korea’s Kim Ju-young slipping on a pair of clown shoes and bundling in two own goals in three second-half minutes to give Russia a 4-2 win last October. It’s the kind of form Derby County’s class of 2008 would be proud of. In Russia’s latest outing they were walloped 3-0 by a cigar-toting Brazil team kitted out in velvet smoking jackets and slippers. And if it wasn’t for Igor Akinfeev’s octopus heroics in goal, that scoreline could have been approaching double figures. Still, at least that defeat will have helped the host nation’s scary-looking boss, Stanislav Cherchesov, get a little closer to working out what his best team is. Wouldn’t it?
“We are starting everything from scratch again,” he sniffed before Tuesday’s friendly against France. Ah. You see, for the past 78 years Russia have had a defence built on the Berezutsky twins and Sergei Ignashevich, all of whom began their careers when Charlie Chaplin was a global superstar. And when Russia almost made as much of a show of themselves at Euro 2016 as England did, the defensive trio decided to call it a day. They have since been replaced by a collection of young defenders so calamitous they make Titus Bramble look like Franco Baresi. The Berezutskys even had to go public this month to re-confirm their retirement when a few fans’ panicked calls for their return grew to a full-on clamour. “With three months remaining until the World Cup, it is time to state clearly that myself and my brother have retired from the national team. Our health doesn’t leave us any other option,” they croaked.
Ten years after Russia lit up the Euros with their free-flowing football it looks like the Class of 2018 are going to leave a bigger stink this summer than Weird Uncle Fiver did at Jongleurs with his 70s redux collection of jokes. It’s a desperate situation for the hosts but it does have the potential to be very funny, especially when the camera cuts to Vladimir Putin’s non-plussed mush after a 1-0 defeat by footballing powerhouse Saudi Arabia in the tournament opener. And still, at least it will be a well-attended, brilliantly organised festival of bonhomie, progressive views and a shared belief in sport as a vehicle for betterment and change, eh? Eh?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t want to go there. If you want to talk about the programme, I’m really, really happy to, but I really don’t feel this is an interview about West Ham or talking about my manager or talking about the troubles my chairmen face. I’ve agreed to see you today because it’s a serious issue. So far you’ve used this programme to attack my chairmen, to attack Lord Sugar, attack David Moyes” – Karren Brady and a very illuminating interview with Simon Hattenstone.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the first edition.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Presumably once Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s stint at LA Galaxy is over he’ll be offered a role at Old Trafford, along the lines of a recruitment or player liaison officer. Something with an HR bent, which would allow him to take out an advert in the Manchester Evening News with the slogan: ‘I’m back and this time it’s personnel.’ Sorry” – Ian Sargeant.
“You have to feel sorry for Tim Grey (Friday’s Fiver letter) – probably the only Fiver reader still paying enough attention at the dog-end of the week to send in a letter. Reward … he’s told he’s won nothing, but that the next person to write in could win a real prize” – Jon Alma.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Ian Sargeant, who bags a copy of Vince, the autobiography of Vince Hilaire.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Uruguay are China Cup champions after seeing off Wales 1-0 through an Edinson Cavani goal.
In what passes for hot England news, Jack Butland will start Tuesday’s game in goal against Italy.
Following the 1990 tribute 1-0 defeat to Costa Rica, Matt Ritchie, Scott McTominay and Grant Hanley have all abandoned the good ship Scotland before Tuesday’s friendly against Hungary with unspecified knack.
With a ticket on the fast train to relegation, things aren’t looking particularly rosy at West Brom. Now this from new chief suit Mark Jenkins: “I’ve come back and I’m shocked at what I have found in some of the decisions that have been made.”
Fun and games in South America dept: Brown striker Martin Minadevino made sure to get full value from the first red card of his career by unleashing a face-high, studs-up challenge on Los Andes midfielder Gustavo Turraca in the Argentinian second division. “I had the chance to apologise to my colleague in the tunnel,” sniffed Minadevino. “In 16 years of playing, this is my first sending off.”
And Arda Turan has gently reprimanded Turkish journalists who approached his wife and asked her whether she was disappointed about the simple nature of her wedding ceremony to the Basaksehir midfielder. “Be respectful, or I will crush your head and eyes! You’re talking to my wife,” he soothed.
STILL WANT MORE?
Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis strongly rejects charges of drug trafficking and financing an illegal operation in Greece, and you can read all about it right here.
Women’s football in Brazil, Chile and Argentina was close to oblivion. Not anymore, cheers Brenda Elsey all the way from Buenos Aires.
Martin Cloake on Spurs’ ticket price issues at White Hart Lane.
Steven Reid tells Ed Aarons that “[Mr] Roy is an inspiration” with a straight face.
Photographing football stickers in odd places is not quite enough to keep Matt Johnson happy, so he’s started writing about it as well.
Drake, David Brent, The Joshua Tree and Peak Gareth all feature for the first time ever in a piece about England, thanks to Barney Ronay.
The England team is in a good place, shame about some of the fans, sighs Richard Williams.
TAM, GAM and other MLS business.
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