Dear Agony Akka,
Our RWA ladies’ group has been regularly organising kitty parties each and every month. But this time, one brihaspati woman in our gated community has decided to organise it on Budget Day. I am dreading the kitty party. Not because of pandemic — as you know, India has conquered Covid already. But because of this woman whose good name is Rohini. Earlier, kitty party meant snacks, tea, tambola, chit-chat. And as secretary I was always the prime mover and shaker at our meets. All that has changed since That Woman moved into Flat 12B. She says she is MA in “entire political science” and is showing off all the time. I know she is arranging this so that she can drop words like “fiscal deficit” and “GDP” and whatnot. She always manages to sound very knowledgeable and my hold on the ladies is slipping away. Please teach me a few Budget phrases and trivia that I can throw around casually during the kitty party and increase my popularity ratings.
— Lady of Learning
Dear LOL,
Your predicament is understandable. Even at their best, Budget speeches are full of mumbo-jumbo so that the government can describe it in any way it wants to — pro-poor, pro-growth, pro-digital, pro-farmer, etc. This makes the Budget very flexible. It also helps the Opposition parties. While happily missing Parliament session, they can simply pick up any one phrase the next day like multiple choice answer: anti-farmer, anti-labour, a blot on humanity, all of the above. Like that only, Rohini also knows that nobody knows anything, so she is bamboozling your women’s group members into thinking she is knowledgeable. She won’t be the first person with a degree in “complete political science” to pull off such stunts.
So how can you blunt this pseudo-intellectual insurrection? I don’t think you should even try to pick up some Budget phrases and financial jargon. With barely a day left for the big day, it is too much burden for a busy Ladies Club Secretary to carry. And anyway, you need at least one degree from Yale to make masiyal with fiscal.
Instead, I will suggest good idea. You master the crafty technique that politicians use when they want to spread blatant lies while simultaneously appearing to be sceptical about it. The simplest way to do this is to ‘forward’ the most cuckoo theories and innocently ask: ‘Is this true?’ For instance, you can practise this line: “I heard that the GST on beard-trimmers is being raised to 28% and our Dear Leader is preparing the nation for this by growing his beard. Is this true?” But I am afraid, dear LOL, that even this might tax your admittedly limited budget GK. Because if there is any follow-up question on Hair Oil, you will be stumped.
My bigger point, therefore, is this. You should be playing to your areas of strength, not to Rohini’s. Your best bet is to do what the TV anchors do. Monopolise the conversation and steer it towards topics that have nothing to do with anything. Watch a few prime-time news shows and get some tips on how to drown other people’s voices. As soon as the ladies club meeting starts, keep up a running commentary on the symbolism of the Finance Minister’s saree colour. Read up the Wikipedia entry on Tamil poet Avvaiyar — the good woman is sure to get a mention in tomorrow’s Budget. Garnish the conversation by quoting couplets that nobody understands. You will soon be the centre of attention. Who wants to know about Public Debt when you are spouting Poetry? And who will listen to Rohini talking about FRBM when you can baffle them with bahi-khata? Go forth and shine.
— AA
agony.akka@gmail.com
