A STORY ABOUT COMEDY IN THE FIVER
Few laughs are as forced, fake, exaggerated and downright obsequious as the Football Press Conference Laugh and a classic of the genre could be heard at Jürgen Klopp’s latest audience with the ladies and gentlemen of the Fourth Estate. Taking his seat at the top table for media duties before Aston Villa’s visit to Anfield on Saturday, Klopp greeted his audience, picked up a water bottle, unscrewed the lid and announced that he would not be answering any questions about $tevie Mbe.
Following a pregnant pause he grinned, showing all present his expensive Dulux Colour Chart “Frosted White” veneers, prompting all present to realise he was joking and completely lose their minds. While it was unlikely to get him an opening slot on Live at the Apollo, as gags go it wasn’t too bad; we’ll certainly give him that. However, given the reaction it got from the assembled hacks, the German could have been forgiven for thinking he’d morphed into mid-1980s Billy Connolly, as his audience erupted into paroxysms of collective mirth. Braying and honking at preposterously great length, they slapped their thighs and rubbed tears from their eyes … then asked him questions about $tevie Mbe.
With the Anfield favourite returning to his old stomping ground as Villa’s manager, it is no surprise the former Liverpool skipper and fan favourite has captured the pre-match headlines. And having been on his current stepping stone for all of four games, the obvious focus was on whether or not he was destined to manage his old club in the future.
“Yes, absolutely,” tooted Klopp, to stony silence before tapping his mic. “The only thing is when is the right moment for that. I think it will definitely happen and that is good for everybody.” Meanwhile in his own press conference, Mbe wasn’t so much cracking wise as resisting the urge to commit an act of violence as yet another journalist asked him about his relationship with Liverpool. “I want to win every game that I play in and now my priority, my focus, and everything I give on a daily basis, will be for Aston Villa,” he sighed. “One thing I can guarantee the supporters, the players and all the staff here is that when I commit to something, I’m all in.” An assurance of sorts that, in comedy terms, he’ll be at Villa all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress and try the chicken.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!
Join John Brewin from 8pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Brentford 0-0 Watford in the Premier League.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Erling Haaland will take the next step. Bayern, Real, Barcelona, Manchester City – these are the big clubs he can join. City won the Premier League five times, significantly more than Manchester United. When we moved to BVB, we all knew this step would come” – infamous Mr 20% Mino Raiola plays fast and loose with Premier League facts as he tries to engineer a bumper move from Dortmund for his goal-guzzling Norway striker.
THE TOP 100
Who is the Guardian’s No 1 female footballer for 2021? It’s … oh, just click to find out.
FIVER LETTERS
“You can tell Matt Dony (yesterday’s Fiver letters) not to worry. In a few years’ time Liverpool will have an ex-player who was much better than Divock Origi being brought in as their woefully under-qualified manager” – Richard Saunders.
“As a flamin’ Australian, just when I thought there was no way for Sam Kerr to become more of a national icon she goes full Andrew Symonds on a pitch invader (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). No offence to our nation’s frontline worker heroes (or Pat Cummins), but I think she’s a lock for Australian of the Year” – Adam Osborne.
“There are multiple permutations for Peter Lingard’s team-related pub names around England (yesterday’s letters). Forest County, City Rovers, etc. But I would definitely be happy to fork out London prices for Tin in The Ham Palace” – Andrew Want.
“I was thinking of opening a pop-up Christmas pub called Bar Humbug” – Peter Worley.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’ the day is … Peter Worley, who bags a revised and updated version of Richard Foster’s Premier League Nuggets. We’ll give a copy away every day this week, and it is available to buy here.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Here’s the latest Football Weekly Extra podcast. There’s a new Ashes pod about too, if you’re that way inclined.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The top 42 clubs in Spanish men’s football have voted through a €2.1bn investment from private equity fund CVC Capital Partners for an 8.2% stake in a new company that will manage their broadcasting revenues. Only Real Madrid, Barcelona, Athletic Bilbao and Ibiza voted against, while one club abstained.
Brighton v Spurs on Sunday has been called off because Covid is refraining from doing one and Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta wants clearer rules around postponements.
Anthony Martial’s Mr 15% has also been flapping his gums wildly in the hope of earning some serious coin. “Anthony wishes to leave [Manchester United] in January,” wibbled Philippe Lamboley. “He just needs to play … and I will speak to the club soon.”
Meanwhile, Ralf Rangnick revealed he got on the blower to Paul Pogba to ask him when he might be able to do a shift in United’s midfield. “We had a telephone call for about 10 or 15 minutes,” yelped Rangnick, who has yet to meet Pogba while he recuperates in Dubai. “He told me he is getting better but … of course he has been idle for quite some time.”
Arsenal boss Jonas Eidevall is trying his hand at optimism after a walloping at the Emirates by Barcelona in Women’s Big Cup. “It’s great even if it doesn’t feel good losing 4-0,” he parped.
And Brendan Rodgers sounds delighted to be taking Leicester into Tin Pot after being dumped out of Big Vase by Napoli in a thrilling 3-2 defeat. “With all due respect to the competition, I’m not sure what it is,” he head-scratched.
STILL WANT MORE?
OK, so now you know Alexia Putellas is No 1, here’s Bea Redondo on how the Barça midfielder became the best in the world.
Ten things to look out for in the Premier League, including Christian Benteke being prolific … at missing big chances.
Photographer Sophie Grew is following the Women’s FA Cup on the road to Wembley, continuing with her latest picture essay on Wolves v Nottingham Forest in round two.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
WON! WON! WON!
Congratulations to Tony Crawford and Noble Francis who correctly answered the The Blizzard’s fiendish question about which former Liverpool forward was the only player to play international football in four decades. It was Jari Litmanen. The Quizzard: The Blizzard Quiz book are on their way.
Readers can buy a copy of The Quizzard for the reduced £6.99 (print) or £5 (digital) by entering code GQUIZ at the checkout.
