A HEARTY REPAST OF BOILED CABBAGE WITH UNSALTED CAULIFLOWER
Hungary qualified for a major tournament last night. And for the second time in a matter of days, the Fiver wondered whether it had somehow been magically transported back to the 1950s. On Friday evening, after a hearty repast of boiled cabbage with unsalted cauliflower and flavourless carrot, the doors of the television cabinet were excitedly thrown open, and the set within was eagerly tuned to Television Station with the hope of watching the Republic of Ireland take on Bosnia-Herzegovina in the European Nations Cup. But all that could be seen was an eerie white flicker, with indistinct shapes occasionally flashing in and out of view. The Fiver assumed the tube had blown, and tasked four men wearing bowler hats and long brown jackets to haul the blessed contraption down to the repair shop, in the hope of getting it fixed in time for the coronation.
Turns out, however, that the Fiver had overdone it on out-of-date tinned meat and powdered egg, and was merely hallucinating as a result of a serious vitamin deficiency. It was 2015 after all, and the match had simply been played out in a thick, impenetrable, 1950s-style pea-souper. The Irish were second best for most of the evening in Zenica, but took the lead when Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane ran on to the pitch under cover of fog and combined down the right to set up Robbie Brady. But 13-man Ireland couldn’t hold on, and Edin Dzeko equalised with a few minutes to go. At least this is how we assume Ireland got away with a 1-1 draw back there. There’s no other rational explanation, so this one seems as good as any.
Tonight’s return leg in Dublin is expected to be played in colour at 1080p, while meteorologists are hopeful that everyone will be able to see what’s going on this time. Whether that’ll prove a blessing or a curse for Irish fans remains to be seen. Ireland are able to welcome back John O’Shea and Jonathan Walters from suspension, while Shane Long is training again after a month out with ankle-knack and may be good for at least a place on the bench. Their home form is promising, having gone unbeaten in six competitive matches, a run which includes that win over Germany. They’ve got an away goal in their pocket, and the crowd at their back. On the other hand, Edin Visca may spend the entire evening running at Stephen Ward. So this one could very much go either way. It promises to be a cracking match. The Fiver would love to watch, but with the telly in the repair shop, we’ll have to dig out the old wireless instead. What’s the frequency for the Light Programme again?
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
QUOTE OF THE DAY
9 March 2012: “We are working hard for the development of Nepalese football. I’m sure Nepal can go further in international football and Fifa is helping” – alongside Sepp Blatter, the head of Nepal’s FA and former Asian Football vice-president Ganesh Thapa announces plans to develop football in the country.
16 November 2015: “[Thapa] committed various acts of misconduct over several years, including the solicitation and acceptance of cash payments from another football official, for both personal and family gain” – Thapa is banned from football for 10 years for bribery and has been accused of embezzling up to £4m of money earmarked for, yup, developing football in the country.
QUOTE OF THE DAY TWO
“After two days of training under him I thought, ‘Who is this idiot?’ After a week, I thought, ‘He’s right.’ He’ll always be in my heart, Louis van Gaal” – Xavi shares his first impressions of his former manager with the world.
FIVER LETTERS
“Flash Keeper? Scramble? Anyone who’s anyone knows that you simply had Rush Goalie (one designated player who can play in goal and outfield), or ‘Monkey Rush’ (where anybody could take on the goalkeeping duties, usually ‘decided’ by whoever was closest to a goal-bound shot, and which resulted in many a spectacular Stéphane Henchoz-esque stop). Any variations on these two are nonsense” – Anthony Schia.
“Re: Flash keeper/rush goalie etc, in areas of Yorkshire it is known as goalie wag” – Richard Cottyn.
“Your link to the flock of birds stopping play reminded me of Finland v Belgium and an evil-looking owl perched on the crossbar” – Graham Urban.
“Does the Fiver really think a Shane Long goal scored against a national team three years ago, under different management and with several different players, may be more relevant than a goal scored a month ago against the reigning world champions? Perhaps over-emphasising past glory under different circumstances simply suits the Fiver, for some reason” – Christopher Smith.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prize letter o’the day is: Christopher Smith. Chris wins a spanking new copy of Football Manager 2016. We’ve got another 49 to give away so get those fingers pumping.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
BITS AND BOBS
England have been urged to sing La Marseillaise at Wembley on Tuesday, with France’s national anthem displayed on the big screens before the match. Don’t know the lyrics? Learn ‘em here. Meanwhile, Just Fontaine has appealed in the direction of the French Federation for them to not host Euro 2016. “I think France should forego the tournament. I am very afraid that this black Friday could be repeated,” said the 82-year-old.
FA chief suit Martin Glenn has urged supporters going to Wembley to set their watches five minutes early. “We want to demonstrate our country’s solidarity with France,” said Glenn.
Everton have paid tribute to a fan of the club, who was one of the people to lose their lives at the Bataclan theatre on Friday night.
Arsène Wenger has repeated his call for blood testing to be introduced in football and insisted that anyone testing positive should have their contacts terminated. “I’m not satisfied with the level of testing because I believe blood tests should be done,” he thundered.
Germany manager Joachim Löw says the decision to go ahead with the friendly against Holland is a force for good. “It’s going to be a clear message for freedom and democracy,” Löw remarked.
Paul Lambert says he is feeling “refreshed” going into his new challenge as manager of Blackburn. “The opportunity came up right out of the blue,” he smirked, removing the cucumbers firmly placed behind his specs. “I’ve had nine months off and really enjoyed my time.”
Raúl has sailed into his retirement with a wide grin and a trophy in tow after he helped New York Cosmos to the NASL title in the final match of his 21-year-career.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY! DOWNLOAD FOOTBALL WEEKLY!
STILL WANT MORE?
Jonathan Wilson took a break from singing that George Ezra ditty to see Hungary reach their first tournament in 30 years thanks to a 2-1 win over Norway in Budapest.
Peru have endured a similarly diabolical recent past but Luis Miguel Echegaray asks if La Blanquirroja finally have room to hope.
Poor David Moyes, booted out of his hotel room in San Sebastián having left Real Sociedad in the same place he found them: 16th. British managers have not always failed in La Liga, though. Nick Miller recalls the successful days of El Tel and John Toshack.
Could Lionel Messi, fed up of being chased by the tax man, swap Las Ramblas for Upper Street, Islington? The Barcelona to Arsenal move and more in an entirely believable edition of the Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
