In pictures: X Factor auditions 2009

Cheryl Cole – has vowed to be a tougher judge this time round. No word on whether this will extend to the person who chooses her outfits Photograph: ITV

Holly Willoughby will have to combine her role as host of The Xtra Factor on ITV2 with sitting alongside Phillip Schofield on the This Morning sofa. Let's hope she doesn't get the two mixed up and mistake Schofield for a talent show contestant. 'And what can you do?' Photograph: ITV

Dannii Minogue. Rumours of her demise as an X Factor judge were evidently exaggerated. She is pictured having just left an audition for an ITV4 remake of I, Claudius Photograph: ITV

Dermot O'Leary - has criticised the BBC for ditching judge Arlene Phillips from Strictly Come Dancing in favour of Alesha Dixon. The X Factor, of course, would never replace an older judge with a younger woman who rose to fame in a girl group. Just ask Sharon Osbourne Photograph: ITV

Louis Walsh questioned whether the X Factor places too much strain on some contestants. Ironing his shirt would have apparently placed too much strain on Mr Walsh Photograph: ITV

When Simon Cowell gets angry steam doesn't come out of his ears. Flames do. That or he's sporting a very ill-judged hat. Help! Simon's hair is on fire! Photograph: ITV

Look! It's a contestant! Hard to tell from this angle whether she has a good singing voice or not. What we do know is that she auditioned in Manchester. And she's called Despina. As in Despina Tap, presumably Photograph: ITV

Fellow contestant Scott James has Asperger's syndrome. Walsh referred to the singer – tipped to do well this year – in his comments about the show putting pressure on its contestants. He's not singing Hand In Glove by the Smiths. He's just wearing one Photograph: ITV

'Put your hand in the air if you prefer Strictly Come Dancing! Oh no! What have I done?' Christine tries out in at the Manchester audition, although by the looks of it she could easily be cheering on United at the Stretford End Photograph: ITV

'I'm a little teapot, short and stout, here's my handle...' 'Next!' Or very possibly Nikki from Manchester has taken umbrage with one of the judges' comments. Presumably a putdown from new Mrs Nasty Cheryl Cole Photograph: ITV

Rudolph from the North, oh, hang on, it's Karen from London. She auditions with a number by Adam and the Antlers. Maybe Photograph: ITV

Will their X Factor appearance last longer than their heels? Not if their name is anything to go by – Kandy Rain. Awesome! Photograph: ITV

It's Nathan from London. Comedy chicken, comedy socks, comedy hoodie, what's not to like? Anyone? Hello? Photograph: ITV

Jumping for joy? Or a plea for help getting out of those trousers? London auditionee Behrouz Photograph: ITV

It's Princess Sweetie, and she's in Birmingham. She's enjoying herself – but are the judges? Photograph: ITV

No, not Harry Enfield's Double Take Brothers but John and Edward, who try their luck in Glasgow. We can only hope it's not a novelty act involving the zipper on the right chap's trousers Photograph: ITV

'And this one goes out to all you multi-millionaire talent show judges out there!' Jade at the London audition – she certainly looks the part. But does she sound it? Photograph: ITV

Imagine if you were this guy and you went on straight after the chap with the chicken on his head. 'No, I forgot to put an animal on my bonce!' Anyway, this is Steven from Cardiff and he appears to be just what the nation is crying out for – a Timmy Mallett tribute act Photograph: ITV

Kate, Manchester. What is it people say about blue and green? 'They go well together, particularly when offset with a black-and-red patterned skirt'? Something along those lines, for sure Photograph: ITV

Kayley the 30ft women from Manchester. 'Put me through or I will pick you up one by one and throw you against the wall like so much flotsam and jetsam.' That, or the perspective of the picture has made her appear a little taller than she really is Photograph: ITV

Vikram auditioning in Cardiff. Who's the rose for? Bet it's not Louis Photograph: ITV

It's 2GFW in Cardiff. I can only hope, for the chap in the middle's sake, that the girl in the right didn't have a curry the night before. No word on what 2GFW stands for - 'Too good for (Louis) Walsh'? Photograph: ITV

I'm no Derren Brown, but it would appear from the looks on the faces of something called Casyr Hot Shot that they have not been given altogether good news by the judges, this time in Manchester Photograph: ITV

Kyle in Glasgow does his best Statue of Liberty impression. Wrong arm, Kyle, wrong arm! Photograph: ITV

It's January in Manchester. As opposed to Manchester in January, when it is unwise to wear a sleeveless top Photograph: ITV

What's Carl from London hiding under his T-shirt? Oh Photograph: ITV

The Birmingham auditions were clearly hit by a shocking shortage of mirrors in the contestants' dressing rooms. Just ask Faye Photograph: ITV

Rozelle from London turns it up to 11 Photograph: ITV

'No offence Simon but could you hurry it up a bit? Countdown starts in 10 minutes.' It's Alan. He's in Birmingham Photograph: ITV

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to The X Factor audition in London. No? His cluck was worse than his bite. OK, then, what about ... here's one contestant who was guaranteed to make a cock of himself. Oh please yourselves! It's David from London Photograph: ITV

No, it's not Pete Waterman after he's just raided the dressing-up box, although it looks a little like it. It's William from London Photograph: ITV

'So I said to the barman, whadya mean have I got any ID?' It's William from London again, rounding off our X Factor preview. Go, Bill, go! Photograph: ITV