Troll pacts ... Finnish folk-metal band Korpiklaani
There's no argument as to what was the greatest thing in popular music in 1981. Stand And Deliver by Adam and The Ants took an art form previously the preserve of dull teenagers obsessed with kissing and made it into something about cool things like highwaymen.
I don't think you necessarily needed to have been six years old to appreciate this, though I was. The great thing about Adam And The Ants was that they totally ignored that stifling cliché, "write about what you know". In retrospect they seem like the last hurrah of an era when pop music could be fantastical and, in the best sense, a bit silly.
Happily there is still one genre where there's a fair chance of hearing a song about a highwayman, or perhaps a Viking, or a pirate, or a troll, sung, moreover, by somebody dressed for the part. That genre is metal. Raise some kind of a flagon to Finnish bands like Turisas, the inventors of Battle Metal, or the wonderful, troll-obsessed folk-metal band Korpiklaani, who look and sound like they think rock was invented by Henry VIII after too much mead.
It's not just Finns either. Scotland's Alestorm are the latest exponents of the brilliantly ludicrous Pirate Metal and Norway's dark lord of electro-freakery Mortiis has made a lengthy career out of sticking a prosthetic nose on his face and pretending to be some kind of hobgoblin.
These are men who have truly understood Adam Ant's commandment: "ridicule is nothing to be scared of". Why is it that pop music, which is routinely derided for being childish and image-obsessed, no longer has the same easy access to the dress-up box?
It's probably that the proper stars in the pop playground these days are the cool, good-looking kids. They don't need to create some kind of fantasy world. Their world is exciting enough with its ribbon-wrapped assortment box of potential partners and a dress code which is all about accentuating their lithe loveliness.
Meanwhile Turisas and Korpiklaani are stuck indoors. They've just been killed by an orc and the ten-sided die has got jam all over it. They have a choice between singing about how they can't get a girlfriend (indie) or creating a different, more exciting version of reality via the medium of metal, which, as Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden can probably testify, has the bonus of making them a little more shaggable.
The problem for mainstream pop since the 70s is that metal has siphoned off many of the best freaks and losers. If only the next winner of X-Factor could be somebody wearing a prosthetic nose the charts would surely be dramatically improved. Or perhaps one of the new wonky pop bands might care to oblige? Just imagine: combine pop's ability to come up with tunes you can hum, with metal's over-active imagination and flamboyant dress sense and you could have something, perhaps, very nearly as good as Adam and the Ants.
