It pays to be prepared. In the event of a nuclear apocalypse, there’s little you can do aside from panic – and indulge in a little futile wailing. Were we to wake to a zombie pandemic however, most people have a rough idea of how to fend for themselves. Bunkers, basements, gated communities and high rise buildings could offer shelter for those not sold on the idea of fighting, or you could just barricade yourself into your local pub.
Luckily, the powers that be have also considered their plans. Responding to a freedom of information request, the Ministry of Defence said its role in any such event would be “to provide military support to the civil authorities, not take the lead. Consequently, the Ministry of Defence holds no information on this matter.”
The government’s concept of operations document explains that the central government response to an emergency depends on the severity of the risk. If a zombie attack was classed as a “serious emergency (level 2)” the response would be coordinated from the cabinet office briefing room, or Cobra, involving several departments and agencies.
More likely, however, it would be deemed a “catastrophic emergency (level 3)” akin to “a major natural disaster, or a Chernobyl-scale industrial accident”. If this were the case, and a threatening influx of zombies couldn’t be managed at a local level, David Cameron, or the prime minister in place at the time of an attack of the undead, would lead the national response.
The document adds that “fortunately, the UK has no recent experience of a level 3 emergency, but it is important to be prepared for such an event should the need arise”. So emergency legislation could be rushed through to stem the wave of brain feasting, dead-eyed monsters. This does, of course, presume that zombies have not already infiltrated the highest echelons of power.
Your local council may be on its guard for supernatural terrors this Halloween: Bristol council, responding to an FOI request, released a heavily redacted “contingency plan for handling zombie outbreaks in Bristol”.
A handy checklist for the successful dispatch of rotting animated corpses is provided:
Remember the correct zombie killing procedure:
1 Fully disconnect the brainstem from the body through either blunt force or full head removal.
2 Avoid all unprotected contact.
3 Zombies are extremely aggressive. Do not approach unless adequately armed.
Procurement implications have also been considered in the event of a Bristol-based zombie apocalypse: “The council has entered into a multi-agency procurement contract for appropriate equipment – where possible in line with our buy-local policy. A catalogue of standard issue equipment – cuffs, stun guns, protection suits etc – is available on the staff intranet.”
But while the council is keen to impress its preparedness upon the public , the document warns it may not be able to maintain business as usual: “Due to urgent operational considerations, it is acceptable to suspend some elements of normal best practice in customer service standards when dealing with a zombie outbreak.” So if you do manage to survive the zombie hordes, you may still find your bin hasn’t been emptied. How irritating.
But, like the hypothetical monsters, zombie apocalypse queries may well be killed off: an upper tier tribunal ruled that such freedom of information requests could be classed as vexatious, as they cost councils and departments hours of fruitless work.
You may never know how, or if, your council will protect you and your loved ones if a siege of corpses storms your street in search of brains on which to feast.
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