Much mockery has been made of “kidults” – grownups whizzing to work on micro-scooters, burying their noses in shoot ‘em up video games or buying colouring books in the name of “mindfulness”.
According to a survey for the kids’ TV Channel Tiny Pop, two-thirds of British adults identify as “big kids”. Clearly, the idea of never growing up is even more popular than I thought. So, here are 10 suggestions for adults who wish to spend their time childishly.
1. Sleepovers
Try going to someone else’s house to stay up late eating junk food and cupcakes, then – just as you are falling asleep in front of a film with a bowl of popcorn – climb into bed and gossip until you fall asleep. My attempts to solicit an invitation to this sort of event in my neighbourhood have been rebuffed, but I put this down to the small-mindedness of my neighbours and not the fact that I am suspected, probably unfairly, of being a) weird, b) a serial snorer and c) a sufferer of night-time flatulence.
2. Sweets
When I go into a proper sweet shop and see all the possibilities, only a sense of “grownups don’t really buy lollipops, gobstoppers and blackjacks” stops me from filling a bag. But what the hell. My teeth are beyond saving, as is my waistline. Anyway, I’m sick of all that raw, organic, Fairtrade sugarless chocolate.
3. Bouncy castles
An adult bouncy castle, especially if shitfaced, would be a great way of passing a summer afternoon. Could even be sexy, if you had the right co-bouncees and were young enough. Not recommended for those over 50, however – there is a limit to how ridiculous you should allow yourself to look after a certain age.
4. Goody bags
You often get a goody bag full of tawdry rubbish if you go to a PR party, but this has never caught on for adults in the domestic arena. So, next time you hold a wingding, make sure your guests get a personal bag of crap at the end of the evening. Alternatively, put in drugs or cash.
5. Pocket money
You should give yourself pocket money – a sum, sealed off psychologically from all other expenditure, that is purely for pleasure, fun and frivolity.
6. Lie-ins
Beloved of teenagers, but usually involve too much self-reproach for adults, who always seem to feel the need to “do” something. Personally, I can think of few more pleasant ways to spend a morning than leaving your guilt at the bedroom door, turning off, tuning in and slobbing out.
7. Cuddly toys
A lot of women do this anyway, particularly those in the outer suburbs who have positive-thinking legends on their fridge magnets and framed gold-leaf Buddhas on the stairwell. Once, in a moment of existential crisis, I took one of my children’s teddies to bed with me, held it all night and talked to it for hours about my difficulties and sadness. It made no difference. Tragically, the teddy disemboweled itself the following morning. I’m willing to try again, but my kids won’t let me.
8. Fainites
When you are involved in a punchup down the pub after an acrimonious football match, try crossing your fingers and yelling “fainites” or “squibs”. It probably won’t work, but your adversaries might feel sorry for you while they beat you up.
9. Crying
If you are accused of being insensitive, as so many men are, you can easily disarm this criticism by bursting into hysterical sobs.
10. Bath toys
Baths can be boring. I’m not sure rubber ducks and plastic submarines would make it any less so. However, I like the idea of waterproof novels (yet to be invented), novelty head cushions and miniature motorboats.
Note: I am shortly to pitch to Guardian Masterclasses an advanced kidult course. Bring dummies and silly string. Fees payable in chocolate coins or hugs.
