A VISION OF HAPPINESS
It’s international weekend kids, so take your eyes off the transfer totaliser, take down the banner celebrating the £1bn jazzed up the wall by our brave Premier League boys, and get pumped for some red hot country-on-country action.
England go up against Slovakia, and they do so with a goalie who’s had an interesting few days. Earlier this week Tony Dorigo, former England defender and noted perm-sporter who spent a season in Serie A, advised Charles Joseph Hart to embrace life in Italy after his move to Torino. To embrace the language, the culture, the food, the fans. “You can’t go there and think you can live in exactly the same way you would here,” said Tone, trying to head off at the pass the prospect of a bemused Hart banging the table at his local trattoria, demanding egg and chips with a Jägerbomb chaser.
Perhaps Hart will take Dorigo’s words to heart and rock up to England duty this week on a Vespa, no helmet on, gesticulating wildly with spaghetti spilling from his mouth. Wayne Rooney gently nudges Harry Kane. “I hope he doesn’t try the accent,” he mumbles. “Imma tryin’ to fit een!” exclaims Hart, while everyone around him shuffles uncomfortably, but humours him. After all, this move to Italy has hit him hard, if the look on his face as he arrived in Turin this week are anything to go by, Hart’s face making a slapped arse look like a vision of happiness.
Hey, perhaps this week back with England is just what he needs to cheer himself up. He will after all still be in nets as the curtain raises on the Big Sam era, although that’s less a vote of confidence in him and more a recognition that the other two stoppers at Allardyce’s disposal either played in the Championship last season or didn’t really play at all last season. But hey, he’s there. That’s the main thing. We just want him to be happy, that’s all.
Still, at least Hart knows he’s allowed to play for his country, which is more than can be said for some of those called up for the inaugural Kosovo squad. Being a fairly box-fresh nation in Fifa terms, working out who’s eligible for their opening World Cup qualifier against Finland has been a fairly tricky business. To the extent that the pen-pushers at City Hall are still mulling over whether 10 of those selected will be allowed to play. “The various applications are currently pending and being investigated,” clacked a Fifa suit. “As a result and in accordance with our usual practice, we are not in a position to further comment on them, nor to give them an estimation of the timeline,” he continued, implicitly confirming that he is fun at parties. The game’s on Monday so, y’know, no rush lads.
Roberto Martínez might start wishing that red tape had prevented him from becoming Belgium boss, if his experience in the opening game against Spain is anything to go by. The Walloon balloons were thoroughly popped by David Silva and pals on Thursday night, boos ringing in the Belgian air as not even the presence of Thierry Henry’s tactical nous could save them from a 2-0 defeat. “We were fantastic, incredible, I was so happy with our performance,” we imagine Martínez, a relentlessly and often baselessly optimistic man, said, but even his veneer of positivity might be under threat if they get a shoeing from Cyprus.
Finally Wales, who will have to get used to their status among the big boys, after their success at Euro 2016 that even managed to warm the Fiver’s cold, dead, black heart. They’ll kick things off against Moldova, and the Fiver hopes Wales win if only for the rest of Chris Coleman’s family. “I can understand how players can get down after a tournament like that,” the Wales boss roared. “Then you’re home and back into reality, as husbands and fathers or whatever, it’s completely different.” We imagine Mrs Coleman was delighted to hear that one.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I noted that the players accept decisions in a calmer manner. It’s better for everyone, including the referees who are more relaxed and confident.” Optimism’s Bjorn Kuipers has his say after whistling his way through France’s 3-1 win over Italy with the help of a video-assistant referee.
FIVER LETTERS
“Fiver, congratulate yourself. It seems you found a dictionary and of course, like any child, landed on the dirty word. I guess there was also a thesaurus, so you didn’t have to type sh!t. Or did you just happen to land on the M word first by accident? Your use of the word is so apt, since it describes what is, on a daily basis, sent out by you – complete and utter …” – Nigel Assam.
“Having admonished Sky on their attempt to interview a fax machine on deadline day, I can’t help but notice that you switched over to using Manchester United’s old transfer fax machine which has a habit of losing paperwork on deadline day rather than using timely/untimely emails. This is obviously the reason for no Fiver Letters of the day appearing in Thursday’s edition of the Fiver and you may have to get someone to look behind the fax cabinet for the numerous funny letters of the day that have not been read” – Raymond Reardon.
“So, no reader letters? [yesterday’s Fiver] Was that because of poor submissions from readers, or because you had so much fantastic material to publish? Or did the Fiver just not really give a damn. Doesn’t really matter, does it?” – Michael Wilner.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is… Nigel Assam.
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BITS AND BOBS
Yaya Touré has been upgraded to first class on the Do One Express after he was left out of Manchester City’s Champions League squad.
Crystal Palace are sounding out the idea of asking Mathieu Flamini if he’s ever seen Alan Pardew’s dad-dancing. Palace are one of four clubs keen on the former Arsenal midfielder.
Diego Costa reckons he would get less criticism if he was ‘a natural Spaniard’. “They criticise me a lot and if I played for Real Madrid or Barça and was a natural Spaniard they’d say I had a good game,” he huffed.
There’s tension in the air at the Hawthorns, with West Brom’s underwhelming transfer window leading to friction between Tony Pulis and the board, and the club chairman John Williams issuing a plea for unity – in other words, an admission that it’s all gone a bit frosty.
Virtually unknown Southampton goalkeeper Alex McCarthy has been given the nod from Big Sam to join the England squad for their World Cup qualifier in Slovakia, after his club-mate Fraser Forster pulled out with minor arm-knack.
Sunderland are pleading with Fifa suits to give them dispensation to sign the Boavista goalkeeper Mika after a jammed fax-machine, or some such paperwork mishap, prevented them finalising the move before Wednesday’s deadline even though a deal had been agreed.
August 1: “The minimum conditions to be able to carry forward this work I do with passion are lacking. Difficulty is part of the job and I believe I have shown, particularly during last season, that I am not afraid of obstacles. But here, the mark has quite clearly been overstepped. There are new problems on a daily basis that have just piled up.” Gennaro Gattuso makes his feelings clear upon walking out as manager of Pisa.
September 2: Gattuso returns as manager of Pisa.
STILL WANT MORE?
Can Bobby M bring the solidity to Belgium he never managed to deliver to Everton? Will Raheem Sterling shed off Current Scapegoat status? Will Holland’s slump ever be arrested? All those teasers and more are among our 10 things to look out for in the upcoming World Cup qualifiers
The great Premier League loan-player stockpile: are clubs such as Chelsea polishing diamonds, hiding bad buys? Louise Taylor looks at the evidence
“I want to win everything there is to win with Bayern Munich” Xabi Alonso speaks about his Bayern future and Liverpool past in this exclusive! extract! from Simon Hughes’s new book Ring of Fire
David Luiz isn’t really shouty Antonio Conte’s type of guy, but with the firm manly arm of N’Golo Kanté on his shoulder, he can settle back in at the Bridge, reckons Dominic Fifield
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
