POOR ARSÈNE’S A-COLD!
It’s more than two decades since a stranger arrived in the north of London Town, pulled up his wagon outside Highbury Stadium, and started to shift bottles of Dr Arsène’s Amazing Restorative Hydrogen-and-Oxygen-Flavored Polar Inorganic Compound™ from the back. As he launched into his sales spiel – “It’s the taste!” – suggestible members of the local soccer team gathered round to sample the miracle elixir. “Coo!” they thought as they began to feel some strength return to their legs, their temples started throbbing a little less alarmingly, and that strange dull stabbing sensation in their side went away. As they cheerfully emptied their pockets to purchase as many bottles of the magical liniment as they could afford, Dr Arsène gathered up the falling coins and quietly asked his assistant to dig out his old rainmaking kit, and maybe mark up that old crate of broccoli by 400% while he was at it.
But familiarity breeds contempt. And it seems the soccer stars of today no longer listen to Dr Arsène quite as intently as players once did. Now, instead of aiding recovery by simply washing down a large plate of steamed greens with a delicious pitcher of room-temperature Compound™, then putting their feet up for a nice snooze, players are experimenting with cryotherapy, a modern technique which involves freezing muscles in the hope of de-jiggering them at double-quick speed. “Is it smoke and mirrors?” asks a clearly irritated Dr Arsène. “Yes!” An unambiguous blast of righteous ire, and he’s not just worried because, as players seek revitalisation elsewhere, sales of his once-trendy Compound Beverage™ and Green Snack® meal deal have fallen back to the record lows of the Merso-Adamian era.
“If you read the science, some have proved [cryotherapy] works and some have proved it doesn’t,” sniffed the good doctor, as he moodily implemented a two-for-one discount across his entire agricultural-produce range. “At the end of the day, we have improved a lot the medical treatment. But if you have a muscle problem, it takes 21 days. It took 21 days 30 years ago. We have to respect nature.” At which point Dr Arsène stumbled over a sack of kale he can’t get shot of, then stubbed his toe into one of the many unopened boxes lying around. Effing Compound™! You can’t give the bloody stuff away these days! And he’s really hurt his toe, it’s swelling up a treat. Has anybody got any ice?
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“There are certain situations in which I must control myself. I’m a bit injured but I’d rather be injured myself than have an injured player. I can handle it. I’ll try to avoid similar situations in the future” – Valencia coach Marcelino there, having celebrated his side’s winner against Real Sociedad so hard that he twanged his hamstring.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I read that Pep Guardiola considers the Littlewoods Cup a ‘waste of energy’ for the great Manchester City. What I want to know is this: what did The Fiver offer Pep to get him to join in the STOP FOOTBALL campaign?” – Bob Zoellner.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Eni Aluko, Lianne Sanderson and FA representatives will give evidence to a parliamentary committee in connection to the Mark Sampson allegations on 18 October. Meanwhile, chief suit Martin Glenn has been given a vote of confidence by FA blazers.
After looking up the lifespan of the average Chelsea manager, Antonio Conte has made the not unreasonable point that he’s likely to be back in Italy before long, prompting subs across Fleet Street to dust off their dropped bombshell headlines. “Italy is my homeland, so once I have had some good experiences, I’ll be back,” he reasoned.
José Mourinho will not face any more time on the naughty step after being sent to the stands for his one-man pitch invasion during Manchester United’s 1-0 win over Southampton.
Having trousered £51,000 from the English, Scottish, Welsh and Norn Iron 1-0ish FAs, Fifa is set to reverse its decision about whether players can wear poppies or not after deciding it is not a political symbol after all.
Do One dept: John Sheridan has been sent skittering out of Oldham, Ady Pennock’s been mutually consented out of Gillingham (with Peter Taylor to temporarily replace him) and Ross County have lobbed Jim McIntyre in a dumpster alongside his 2015-16 manager of the year trophy. In Spain, Fran Escriba has been has-una-d from Villarreal and replaced by Javi Calleja.
And Nasty Leeds captain Liam Cooper is in the Scotland squad for their World Cup qualifying matches against Slovakia and Slovenia. “I probably should have had him in the last squad to be honest,” parped Wee Gordon. Full squad: Jordan Archer (Millwall), Craig Gordon (Queen’s Celtic), Allan McGregor (Hull City); Ikechi Anya (Derby County), Christophe Berra (Heart of Midlothian), Grant Hanley (Norwich City), Liam Cooper (Nasty Leeds), Charlie Mulgrew (Blackeye Rovers), Andrew Robertson (Liverpool), Kieran Tierney (Queen’s Celtic), Steven Whittaker (Hibernian); Shortbread McFiver (Fiver Towers) Stuart Armstrong (Queen’s Celtic), Barry Bannan (Sheffield Wednesday), Scott Brown (Queen’s Celtic), Darren Fletcher (Stoke City), Ryan Fraser (Bournemouth), James Forrest (Queen’s Celtic), James McArthur (Crystal Palace), John McGinn (Hibernian), Matt Phillips (West Brom), Matt Ritchie (Newcastle United), Robert Snodgrass (Aston Villa); Steven Fletcher (Sheffield Wednesday), Leigh Griffiths (Queen’s Celtic), Chris Martin (Derby County).
THE RECAP
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STILL WANT MORE?
Fans of discussions about systems designed to manoeuvre trains from one track to another will be disappointed that our weekly Talking Points blog is, in fact, about the weekend’s Premier League football.
Paolo Bandini has stopped drinking tiny coffees long enough to make readers of a certain age feel even older by penning 1,473 words on why Federico Chiesa (son of Enrico, feeling old fans) could be the future of Italian football.
Andy Brassell has put down his Oktoberfest stein long enough to rattle out 1,716 words on why Bayer Leverkusen might finally be through their personality crisis.
Sid Lowe interrupted his 2am evening meal to piece together 2,555 words on the transformation of Atlético Madrid.
Lawrence Ostlere puts the hex on Marco Silva’s Watford.
It took both Adam White and Eric Devin to get to the bottom of whether or not Marcelo Bielsa wants to quit Lille. (Spoiler: he does not).
Nick Miller sat in the stands as Sheffield United beat Sheffield Wednesday 4-2 and thought you might like to read his take on it all.
And Jonathan Wilson ran his tactical rule over the Seagull’s Super Sunday soaraway er … defensive masterclass.
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