I thought long and hard about writing this. Not least because Sarah Everard’s terrible story is still unfolding.
And because, by the time this column is printed on Sunday, everyone will have seen nothing but headlines and articles about it.
Most importantly, I hesitated because right now it really does feel like a moment for men to just shut up and listen to what women are telling them.
But then I heard the MP Jess Philips talking about how it was men who were going to have to fix this problem and I realised that perhaps there were a few things worth saying to my fellow men, things that seem obvious to me, but might not be to everyone. So, guys...
If you find yourself starting a speech, or a social media post, with the words ‘Speaking as a father and a husband’, stop it now.
The idea that you can only come to value someone as an equal human being by marrying them or being involved in their conception is not marking you out as the stellar individual you think it is.
Similarly, if you’ve been involved in promoting that appalling ‘Not All Men’ hashtag on social media, stop it now.
As a signifier of terrible thinking it’s up there with the racism of ‘All Lives Matter’, or with being the kind of guy who proudly tweets ‘When’s International Men’s Day then?’ every International Women’s Day.
The people who suffer from the problem are telling you what it feels like. Shut up and listen.
When women are saying something like, ‘if we’re the only two people walking towards each other on a deserted street, I feel much safer if you cross the road,’ then, yes, there is much to talk about here.
Like what an appalling state of affairs it is that women feel this unsafe when confronted by a lone man. We can – and must - have a long conversation about how we got to this place.
What we shouldn’t do is spout idiotic arguments like ‘I shouldn’t have to cross the road because a woman feels unsafe.
I’m not a bad guy. And what if it makes me late for where I’m going?’
You’re just being asked to cross the road, not ford a raging stream. As for ‘I’m not a bad guy’, see ‘Not All Men.’
And, dude, no one cares if you’re late. Unless you’ve got a coiled hose over your shoulder and are running towards a burning building, just shut up, listen to what women are telling you, and cross the road.
‘What’s wrong with giving women a friendly smile?’ Well, many women are saying that strangers smiling at them can make them feel uncomfortable. That one man’s ‘friendly smile’ is another’s ‘disturbing leer.’
Might be best to avoid the confusion and just, you know, listen to what women are saying and save your ‘friendly smile’ for people you know.
Oh, and talking of people you know. You know that friend of yours? We’ll call him ‘Stevie.’
There’s banter when the lads get together, sure, but Stevie’s has an edge to it.
When you’re all together on a night out Stevie talks too much about women. Stevie stares too long and too hard at them. He pesters them at the bar, long after their polite smiles have hardened into strained grimaces.
It’s not just the girls’ job to tell Stevie to leave them alone, or the bouncers.
As a general rule, if you see a man openly harassing a woman in the public, it is now your problem too.
It beats me why you’re still friends with Stevie, but it’s time to say to him - ‘Enough. Shut up and listen to what these women are telling you.’
Do you really need to have all of this spelled out for you? Especially today of all days.
Aren’t you, after all, already someone’s son?
A woman most likely screamed in pain to bring you into the world. How about her?
Do we really have to go this far back to try and find some respect for women within you? We do?
Ok. Try this: think back to your earliest memories, maybe around the age of three.
That time you fell and smashed your forehead off the coffee table.
When you woke up crying in the dark after a terrible nightmare.
When you got lost at the shops for a minute, panic increasing as you darted helplessly between the forest of rushing legs.
Who was there, picking you up? Folding you into her arms and telling you ‘Shhh, it’s ok. It’ll be all right.’
If everything else fails, if you’re not a husband, if you don’t have a daughter, if every fibre of your being is itching to type the words ‘Not All Men’, try thinking about her.
Think about your mum, scared and alone, walking along a dark street late at night, hoping the man looming towards her along the pavement will cross the road.
As I was finishing up writing this, I read a piece by my friend Marina Hyde, about how, just the day before, a man had followed her along the street shouting abuse at her for no reason.
She talked about how often things like this happen to women.
About the men working across the road, and how they ignored her.
And about how she wound up raising her palm to the man and saying ‘STAY AWAY FROM ME.’
It made me think of my two-year-old daughter Alexandra.
There is a thing they teach the small children at her nursery school.
When one of the other kids is being mean, when one of them (usually a boy) pushes them, or becomes aggressive, they are taught to raise their palm to them and say ‘NO THANK YOU!’
And I often find myself thinking about it. About Alexandra, on the wrong street, at the wrong time, with the wrong guy coming towards her, the kind of guy who is going to push her over and far, far worse. Who a raised palm won’t stop.
Who isn’t going to hear ‘NO THANK YOU.’ Who will...
If you let these kind of thoughts run away with you for long enough you end up feeling sick, scared, angry and helpless.
You feel exactly like millions of women in this country must feel all the time.
Shut up, start listening to them.
