Most of us pride ourselves on being good listeners. We believe we offer a supportive ear to friends, family, and colleagues when they need to talk. The truth is, there’s a vast difference between passively hearing words and engaging in genuine active listening. Many common conversational habits that we think are helpful or harmless are actually barriers to true understanding and connection. If you find yourself doing any of the following seven things, you may not be the listening expert you believe you are.
1. You’re Just Waiting For Your Turn to Talk
This is one of the most common listening pitfalls. The other person is speaking, but in your mind, you’re not absorbing their words; you’re formulating your response, rebuttal, or your own related story. Your silence is not about hearing them, but about reloading for your next conversational volley. True active listening requires you to quiet your own internal monologue and focus completely on the speaker’s message, not on what you’re going to say next.
2. You Hijack the Conversation With Your Own Story
Your friend starts telling you about their stressful week at work, and you jump in with, “Oh, that’s nothing! Let me tell you what happened to me…” This is called conversational hijacking. While you may think you’re showing empathy by sharing a relatable experience, you are actually shifting the focus away from them and onto yourself. It subtly communicates that your experience is more important or interesting, invalidating their need to be heard.
3. You Immediately Jump to Giving Advice
When someone shares a problem, our instinct is often to fix it. We immediately start offering solutions and unsolicited advice before they’ve even finished explaining the situation. This can be frustrating for the speaker, who may not be looking for answers at all; they may just want to vent and feel understood. A core principle of active listening is to first listen to understand, not to reply with a fix-it plan.
4. You’re Distracted by Your Phone or Surroundings
Nothing says “I’m not listening” quite like glancing at your phone, watching the TV over their shoulder, or scanning the room while someone is talking to you. Even if you think you can multitask, these actions send a powerful non-verbal message that they do not have your full attention. Active listening demands presence. It means putting away distractions, making eye contact, and giving the speaker the respect of your undivided focus.
5. You Interrupt Them Mid-Sentence
Cutting someone off before they’ve finished their thought is a clear sign of poor listening. You might be excited to add a point, or you think you know where their sentence is going, but interrupting is disrespectful. It breaks their train of thought and can make them feel like what they have to say isn’t valuable. A good listener practices patience, allowing the speaker the space to fully express themselves without being cut off.
6. You Judge Their Feelings or Experience
A friend confides that they are upset about something you consider trivial. Your response is, “You’re overreacting,” or “It’s not that big of a deal.” When you judge someone’s emotional response, you shut them down completely. Empathy, a crucial component of active listening, doesn’t require you to feel the same way; it requires you to accept their feelings as valid for them, regardless of your own perspective.
7. You Try to “One-Up” Their Problem
This is the cousin of conversational hijacking, often called “competitive suffering.” Your coworker complains about a headache, and you counter with the fact that you have a migraine. Your sibling talks about a bad day, and you launch into a story about your horrible week. This behavior turns connection into a competition. Instead of making the other person feel supported, it minimizes their struggle and forces them to engage in a pointless contest of who has it worse.
The Transformative Power of Truly Hearing Someone
Becoming a better listener is one of the most profound gifts you can give to the people in your life. It means moving beyond simply waiting for your turn to speak and embracing empathy, presence, and patience. When people feel truly heard and understood, trust deepens, relationships strengthen, and communication becomes more meaningful. By avoiding these common pitfalls, you can transform your interactions and build stronger, more genuine connections.
Which of these listening habits are you most guilty of, and how do you plan to improve?
Read more:
Why Active Listening Matters More Than Being Right
Want To Actually Resolve A Fight? Then Stop Saying These 10 Things Immediately
The post If You Do These 7 Things When Someone Is Talking, You’re Not The Good Listener You Think You Are appeared first on Budget and the Bees.
