They said they would never forget the nurses after all they’ve done, and they have indeed remembered them, because they’ve offered them a pay rise of one per cent.
It’s the sort of reward you get from a grandad when you’re seven.
Rishi Sunak should have asked a nurse to hold her hand out and say: “Here you are, dear, that’s to get yourself a lollipop on your holidays. Don’t waste it.”
Then Boris Johnson would tell them: “Say thank you to Mr Sunak, or you can give it back.”
When Rishi hears the nurses aren’t satisfied, he might tell them: “In that case, we’ll also give you the chance to earn an extra pound if you wash the pigs on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s farm.”
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Some Conservatives offered the explanation that if the nurses had been given a bigger rise “everyone would want a bigger rise”.
Maybe they said something similar to SERCO and the companies they offered £12billion to for a track and trace system.
They must have looked them firmly in the eye, and said: “If we give you billions of pounds for a system that never works, EVERYONE will want billions of pounds to provide something that never works.”
This is what the nurses need to do. Instead of whining, they should stick in a bid to develop something they’re incapable of providing.
Then the staff at Whipps Cross Hospital should call Matt Hancock, and promise to provide all Britain’s electricity using an old sock, for only £12billion. The money would be delivered the next morning.
There are other people who have managed to get by, such as Matt Hancock’s friend and neighbour Alex Bourne, who was given a contract to supply millions of little vials after he contacted Hancock on WhatsApp.
The nurses should show this initiative. Instead of swanning about with bed-pans and respirators, they should do something useful, such as moving next door to Matt Hancock.
Characters such as Dido Harding – who’s in charge of the track and tracing system that’s almost useless and is married to a Conservative MP – is probably disgusted that nurses get paid at all.
She’s unpaid for her test and trace role, working as a volunteer, so she must think: “Why can’t they do the same? Isn’t it rather vulgar, wishing to be remunerated for attending to the sick?
"Don’t they have a trust fund or family estate?”
But this government is usually quick to correct its mistakes, so I expect Rishi Sunak will soon announce: “We have decided to be even more generous to our medical staff, and are providing a 25 per cent increase in the amount of tax-free applause.
“Starting next April, I’ll instruct my servants to clap loudly on Wednesday mornings and even shout, ‘You go, hospital people’, rising to a whistle on a Saturday, because we will never ever forget the valuable contribution of their profession, whose name I can’t quite recall.”
