This is going to be a long day, so I will have to start at one minute past midnight and take up the whole 24 hours. A lot of coffee will be drunk.
First of all, anyone who shouts something rude at a woman playing sport will have to explain their conduct in front of all her friends – and then do that activity themselves, with the woman and her mates “offering advice”.
Carpets will go. All of them. To be replaced immediately with beautiful self-cleaning laminate flooring. I haven’t found the perfect version yet, so it may have to be invented and manufactured on the day. I want it to look like carpet, but not be one. Carpets are the bane of a wheelchair user’s life. One minute you are happily moving in a certain direction; the next, the weave throws you out.
I really do not want any visually impaired people to be injured, but I really dislike tactile paving, especially when it is cracked or on an uneven or steep dropped kerb. The ones I dislike most have the metal buttons that have little chance of wearing down. I think I am meant to like it because all disabled people are the same.
Training to queue will be compulsory, and anyone who doesn’t do it will be fined. The same applies to anyone on a mobile phone shouting that they are in a queue. Likewise on a train. I don’t like quiet carriages, but people should be made to learn to speak quietly. And if people play loud music that you can hear through their earphones, those sitting nearest can pick the music. Get ready for Soft Cell and Depeche Mode. Nothing else.
People who leave rambling phone messages (and then you can’t make out the number they have left) will also be fined. That is why my answerphone message says (I hope politely): “Please don’t leave me a message, but send a text.” I adore mobile technology, but it annoys me as well.
The next is a bit tricky. You see, I love writing lists (I have a special book for them, which I carefully choose every year), but they will be next to go. No one should be expected to do more than they can remember, which for me would be about five things at a time. This is why I write lists. I would imagine that there would be a huge sense of freedom for a short while, but then panic and guilt, so this would have to be time limited.
